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Savage Love
By Dan Savage
I am marrying a man with two children—a boy and a girl—and we want to
include his children in our wedding party. My best friend and maid of honor
happens to work as an escort. You and I agree that prostitution should be
legal and that sex work shouldn’t be stigmatized, Dan, but the ex-wife of my
fiancé disagrees strongly. She somehow deduced what my BFF does for a
living, and now she has told my fiancé that she will not allow her daughter
to participate in the wedding if my BFF is the maid of honor. She says she
does not want their daughter to think that being a prostitute is okay. His exwife will not budge. I am furious that this woman would have me remove my
oldest, closest, most important friend from my wedding party. What say you,
Mr. Savage?
Too Angry For Cute Acronyms
I say it’s disturbing that your fiancé’s ex-wife isn’t demanding that both
her children be removed from your wedding party. Not because I agree with
her—I most certainly do not—but because I firmly believe that someone
who’s being a dick about something is obligated be a logically consistent
dick.
If tossing rose petals in the presence of a known prostitute—known to her,
not known to her daughter (how on earth would her daughter find out?)—is
going to pollute her daughter’s tiny mind, then bearing rings in the presence
of a known prostitute is going to pollute her son’s. If this woman believes
that appearing in wedding photos with a sex worker will result in her
daughter one day doing sex work, why isn’t she concerned that her son will
one day hire a sex worker? Or do a little escorting himself?
This woman is trying to screw with you, TAFCA, otherwise she would’ve
yanked both kids. But this is the kind of issue that could land your fiancé
back in court—if his batshit ex decides to really push it—and a sex-negative
judge could tear up your husband-to-be’s custody agreement and place limits
on his (or your) access to his children, all because his new wife is BFFs with
a sex worker. So you’re going to have to give way, TAFCA. But I think you
should drop the kids, not your BFF, from your wedding party.
And while you might be tempted to tell the kids to go ask their mother
why they’re suddenly out of the wedding party—thereby making her the bad
guy—take the high road and come up with an explanation that makes sense
to the kids and spares their feelings… if, you know, these kids were actually
looking forward to being in your wedding party. There’s a small-but-notinsignificant chance that your fiancé’s children will be relieved to be left out.
As much as they may like you, as much as they may approve of your
relationship with their father, TAFCA, a child can feel under pressure to play
a public role in a divorced parent’s second (or third or fourth) wedding.
Since children—particularly small children—may not feel comfortable
saying no, lest that “no” be misinterpreted as disapproval of their parent’s
new spouse, I believe that smart parents and smart stepparents-to-be should
err on the side of not asking their children to toss petals, bear rings, or make
toasts.
Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole
thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a
lot more than I needed to. Three months after it was over, I broke contact
with her. Six weeks later, she started calling me, but I didn’t respond. One
night around then I was in my basement bedroom at about midnight. She
started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my
window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came
at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started
choking me. She spent that night in jail, having been dragged off my front
porch by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last
communication I had with her was an e-mail in which I told her not to
contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It’s been about a
year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something
like “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I want to know if she’s okay, if she’s on a
good path, etc., but I don’t want to be her friend, or even see her in person
ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?
Wanting Après-Resolution
Never, WAR. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.
If you’re concerned about how she’s doing, ask a friend-of-a-friend-of-afriend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if what you’re
after is some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your “bad choices”
caused her—choices you didn’t elaborate on in your rush to get to her
faults—then you’re not really motivated by any genuine concern for her
well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience.
Either way, no good will come of contacting her. Let it go.
I’m gay, been gay for years now, and I want to be with a man as a life
partner. My problem is that I honestly don’t enjoy anal, but I like my
boyfriend to be dominant, the man, the boss—however you want to define it.
Is that just plain weird? Will I find a man?
Worried About My Ever After
The results of a study recently released in the Journal of Sexual Medicine
might interest you, WAMEA.
Researchers from George Mason University and Indiana University asked
nearly 25,000 gay and bi men about their last sexual encounter with another
dude. “Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last
sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Joshua G.
Rosenberger, one of the study’s authors, writes. Fewer than 40 percent of the
men surveyed fucked ass or got their asses fucked during their last sexual
encounter. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal
sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time,” Rosenberger says. (Most
interesting data point: Gay and bi men have “immense sexual repertoires.”
Researchers documented more than “1,300 combinations of activities.” Most
concerning data point: Only half the men who reported having anal
intercourse the last time they fucked used condoms. Many of these men are,
presumably, in long-term relationships, and may not need to use condoms.
But high HIV-infection rates among gay and bi men prove that there are lots
of guys out there who should be using condoms and are not.)
Back to you, WAMEA: Some of those gay and bi guys studied might have
had anal sex the second-to-last time they got it on, or were looking forward
to anal the next time. But we know from other studies that there are lots of
gay and bi guys out there—some estimates put it at 25 to 30 percent—who
never have anal sex. They just don’t dig it. Your mission is to find a
dominant, manly, bossy man with whom you’re sexually compatible, i.e., a
bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs,
your Christmas ham—whatever—but not your ass.
Confidential to Everybody: Watch this: tinyurl.com/3eowo9l. Do this:
tinyurl.com/4yntf8f.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at
thestranger.com/savage.
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