Download Example Essay #2 - the Home Page of L. Lennie Irvin

Rum & Diet Cola – Is it a Healthy Choice?
Many consumers today are exposed to a great amount of advertising through television,
radio and printed information. As in the ad for Bacardi Rum and Diet Cola (Ladies Home
Journal, February 200_), have advertisers gone too far to reach out to consumers in trying to
relate to their needs? Advertisers have learned to use various types of propaganda techniques to
entice consumers into considering their product.
First, let’s consider the Bacardi Rum and Diet Cola ad. Does the advertisement show that
their product is one that everyone would like to take part of? According to Ann McClintock, she
states that “ In the bandwagon technique, advertiser’s pressure. Everyone’s doing it. Why don’t
you?” (McClintock 667). The bandwagon approach discusses the desires by consumers not to be
Comment [LI1]: I like the Essay Question, and
then your answer in the next sentence, but this
statement is too general to work as your Thesis. You
want to state that the Baccardi and Rum ads are
using propaganda techniques.
Comment [LI2]: Better Topic/transition/Linking
sentence needed that LINKS to your thesis. But
because you don't have a clear expression of your
thesis, this transition sentence struggle.
Comment [LI3]: I notice only one quote from the
McClintock essay—you need two per body
paragraph to define what each technique
different from others. In this past year we have seen an increase in consumers desire to be health
conscious and be selective in the amount of their carbohydrates and sugar intake. According to
the Bacardi Rum and Diet Cola ad, the drink has 0 Carbs and 0 Sugar. This ad tells consumers
Comment [LI4]: I think I need to see more
clearly what is the bandwagon.
that it is alright to have this alcoholic beverage because they and many others can still stay on
their path of selective carb and sugar intake.
Secondly, in the rum and diet cola ad, the advertisers seem to overlook the obvious which
Comment [LI5]: LINK to thesis?
is drinking alcohol and seem to focus more on the healthy aspect of these products.
Comment [LI6]: Thesis: This rum and diet cola
ad uses propaganda techniques to sell its product.
Ann McClintock discusses this type of propaganda technique. “Card Stacking means that one
Transition: Secondly, this rum and diet coke ad uses
propaganda techniques because we can see the ad
clearly using the technique of card stacking.
side may suppress or distort evidence, tell half-truths, oversimplify the facts or set up a strawDon't forget what we covered in EC#4 on
Conherence! Topic/transition/linking sentences.
man, a false target, to divert attention from the issue at hand..” (McClintock 666).
Comment [LI7]: Never "drop" a quote in the text
like this. After "technique" you should have a
comma rather than a period. Always integrate your
quotes into your text.
The true issue of this advertisement is not about watching your carbs and sugar intake, but rather
getting the consumer to purchase their alcoholic beverage. The advertiser fails to show the
negative side effects of consuming alcohol.
Last, glittering generalities is the final technique that is used in this advertisement. “Using
glittering generalities is the opposite of name calling. In this case, advertisers surround their
product with attractive-and slippery-words and phrases” (McClintock 664).
Comment [LI8]: Notice that you have only one
quote from McClintock and only two sentences of
Secondary Support pointing out instances of this
technique in the ad.
Comment [LI9]: Better transition—but notice
that you have it as a statement of fact or information
rather than a statement of reason and opinion.
Comment [LI10]: Another dropped quote.
The glittering generalities approach wants consumers to have a good overall feeling about their
product. When looking at the ad, consumers do feel good about drinking a Rum and Diet Cola
drink because it has 0 Carbs and 0 Sugar. Consumers gladly accept the bolder and more obvious
Comment [LI11]: You already used this phrase.
print of an alcoholic, health conscience drink, rather than the smaller, lesser print discussing the
Comment [LI12]: I don't exactly follow what
you mean by smaller print?
repercussions of drinking alcohol.
Manufacturers will continue to use various propaganda techniques to reach out to
consumers. “We read advertisers’ propaganda messages in newspapers and magazines; we watch
their alluring images on television. We absorb their messages and images into their
subconscious” (McClintock 663). As consumers, it is up to us to look at the advertisement and
decide for ourselves if we want to believe what they want us to believe or rather form our own
opinion.
MISSING WORKS CITED PAGE???
Feedback on the Essay: (0301)
CRITERIA FOR EVALUATION
Score on a 1 to 4 scale (4 being the best)
Appropriateness
4
Unity and Focus
2/3
--poor transitions sentences
Has the author addressed the topic and task
appropriately? Have they used appropriate word
choice?
Has the author made a clear point and stuck to it?
Comment [LI13]: Never drop a quote into your
text.
--ambiguity over thesis
Organization
Has the author arranged the ideas in a clear, logical
way? Is there a sense of essay form?
Development
3
Is there enough support to be convincing? Is it
detailed?
2
--missing second quote from essay
--inadequate support in body paragraphs.
Sentence Skills
3
Usage
3
Has the author avoided major sentence skill errors such
as sentence fragments, run-ons, subject-verb
agreement, and faulty parallelism?
Has the author avoided usage errors in verbs, standard
word formation, articles, comparatives and superlatives
and word choice?
Mechanical Conventions
Has the author avoided errors in spelling,
capitalization, and punctuation?
Total Essay Score:______2 – 2/3____
3
Writing Grade: __________
4-- a well-formed writing sample that effectively communicates a whole message to a specified audience.
3-- an adequately formed writing sample that attempts to communicate a message to a specified audience.
2-- a partially developed writing sample in which the characteristics of effective written communication are only
partially formed.
1-- an inadequately formed writing sample that fails to communicate a complete message.
You have a good foundation here for a good essay. The essay, though, has many rough edges,
most noteably ambiguity around your thesis and inadequate support in your Body paragraphs. A
firmer anchor in the McClintock essay with at least two quotes from the essay might help you
find clear connections to that definition within the advertisement. This essay is sort of a
matching essay
Propaganda Technique(s) definition Å----Æ Specific Features in Ad that match the definition.
Formatted: Right: -0.38"