Download Intimacy and Closeness within Families

Intimacy and Closeness
within Families
COM 3013
Intimacy in the Family

Understanding intimacy within the family realm
involves exploring
(1) the development of marital and family intimacy,
(2) the communication building blocks of intimacy, and
(3) the barriers to intimacy.
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Tami Davis
Development of Intimacy
 Persons,
such as partners or family
members, collaboratively create a unique
relational culture that represents their
understandings of each other and the
world.
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Tami Davis
Development of Intimacy

Relational culture is fundamentally a product of
communication—it arises out of communication,
is maintained and altered in communication, and
is dissolved through communication.

It is within these relational cultures that intimacy
and closeness develop consistent with the
understandings of the members, their cultural
backgrounds, and family-of-origin experiences.
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Tami Davis
Intimacy
 Most
individuals have a sense of what
intimacy means but multiple definitions
exist.
 Some
descriptions of intimacy suggest it is
about persons seeking someone to
reassure them that they are worth loving
or a quest for a reflected sense of self.
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Tami Davis
Intimacy

Intimacy also means that "we can be who we
are in a relationship and allow the other person
to do the same"
(Lerner, 1989, p. 3).

Others refer to intimacy as involving a cluster of
interpersonal emotions including love, warmth,
passion, and joy that are tied to intimate
feelings.
Guerrero and Andersen (2000)
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Tami Davis
Marital and Family Intimacy

Marital and family intimacy reflect many similarities.

Marital intimacy involves the following characteristics:



a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal
relationship;
a detailed and deep knowledge and understanding from close
personal connection or familiar experience; and
sexual relations
(Feldman, 1979, p. 70).
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Tami Davis
Marital and Family Intimacy

contented couples exhibit a 5 to 1 ratio of positivity that
includes:







displaying interest,
affection,
caring,
acceptance,
empathy, and
joy
With the exception of sexual relations, these characteristics may
be applied to all family relationships
(Perlmutter, 1988).
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Tami Davis
Family Intimacy

Family intimacy involves interpersonal devotion
along intellectual, emotional, and physical
dimensions.

This is demonstrated by shared knowledge and
understanding as well as close loving
relationships, both of which are reflective of
developmental stages and culture.

Such a concept of intimacy translates into reality
through the communication patterns of families.
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Tami Davis
Family Intimacy
 Intimacy
embodies each member's past
intimate experiences, current need for
intimacy, perception of the other, and
desire for increasing predictability within a
relationship.
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Tami Davis
Intimacy

The rule of reciprocity in intimacy is controversial.

Expectations of reciprocity promote unrealistic
expectations of emotional fusion and is "alien to the
acute experience of self and partner as related entities"
(Schnarch, 1991, p. 116).

Persons have varied levels of tolerance. When one
member of a couple feels that the intimacy is becoming
too great, he or she will initiate some type of conflictual
behavior to decrease the amount of interpersonal
closeness.
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Tami Davis
Family Intimacy

The same concept may be applied to other
family relationships.

Each two-person subsystem sets its limits for
acceptable intimacy.

These limits change over time.

These acceptable limits of intimacy reflect the
family's ways of showing affection and the depth
of the particular relationship.
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Tami Davis
Step Families
 Intimacy
in stepfamilies is exceptionally
complex, particularly in the early years.
Issues of loyalty, guilt, and loss compound
the ability of stepchildren and stepparents
to develop intimate ties.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Activity

Create your own definition of intimacy.

Get in a small group

Provide two examples of a marital and family
relationship characterized by intimate
communication.

Discuss some specific communication
behaviors.
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Tami Davis
Developing a Relationship Culture
 All
developing intimate relationships reflect
a history-building process.
 There
are multiple perspectives on how
this occurs, the most common of which
involves developmental stage models.
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Tami Davis
Stage Models

Models of linear relationship development based on
stages through which the partners move as they draw
closer.

These researchers hypothesize that interpersonal
exchange gradually progresses from superficial,
nonintimate areas to more intimate, deeper layers of the
self.

People assess interpersonal costs and rewards gained
from interaction because future development of a
relationship depends on their perception of this
exchange.
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Tami Davis
Dialectical Approaches
 Theorists
who question stage models
believe they are linear and static, implying
relationships remain in the same place for
a long time.
 A dialectical
perspective highlights the
continual tensions that relationships must
manage.
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Tami Davis
Dialectical Approaches
 Relationships
are maintained by the ways
partners manage competing needs and
obligations, how they organize and
coordinate their activities, the way they
introduce novelty and pleasure into their
relationship, and how they build a place in
which to nurture the relationship
(Werner & Baxter, 1994, p. 324).
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Tami Davis
Dialectical Approaches

Dialectical tensions raise the questions: How close can
we get without interfering with each other? How much
closeness do we need? How can we live together
without hurting each other too much?

These questions are indicators of the tensions all
relationships face.

A dialectical approach focuses on competing and
opposite possibilities that exist in a relationship
(Brown, Werner, & Altman, 1994).
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Tami Davis
Dialectical Approaches
 Dialectical
struggles are especially
complicated in new stepfamilies.
 The
adults try to maintain a high level of
closeness and connection with each other
while dealing with the tensions created as
children try to stay tightly connected to
their biological parent and distant from
their stepparent.
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Tami Davis
Dialectical Approaches
 Although
all humans seem to have
intimacy needs—to be loved, held,
touched, and nurtured—there may also be
fear of intimacy: a fear of being controlled
by another, loved and left by another, or
possessed by another. Thus, the needs
and fears become part of the struggle.
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Tami Davis
Developing a Relationship Culture

Boundaries influence how much intimacy occurs in
family subsystems and how intimacy may be developed
with those outside the immediate family.

Gender-related attitudes support or restrict the capacity
of members to develop certain levels of intimacy.

Knowledge about another family member is not sufficient
to develop intimacy. Relational growth depends on
communication about that knowledge
(Duck, Miell, & Miell, 1984).
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Tami Davis
communication as a foundation of
intimacy
 The
basis for all relationships lies in the
members' abilities to share meanings
through communication.
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Tami Davis
factors in the development of
communicated-related intimacy.
 talk,
 confirmation,
 self-disclosure,
 sexual
communication,
 commitment, and
 forgiveness.
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Tami Davis
Talk
 There
are direct and indirect messages
that create and reflect investment in a
relationship.
 Direct
relational talk occurs when partners
share with each other their feelings and
desire to grow in the relationship
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Tami Davis
Talk
 Both
direct communication and intentional
metacommunication are essential to
developing and maintaining intimacy
(Schnarch, 1991).
 Talk
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creates its own rewards.
Tami Davis
Confirmation
 Confirming
messages communicate
recognition and acceptance of another
human being— a fundamental
precondition to intimacy.
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Tami Davis
confirming messages
 recognizes
the other person's existence,
 acknowledges the other's communication
by responding relevantly to it,
 reflects and accepts the other's selfexperience, and
 suggests a willingness to become involved
with the other.
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Tami Davis
Confirmation
 Confirming
communication is
characterized by recognition, dialogue,
and acceptance, which indicate a
willingness to be involved.
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Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 Self-disclosure
is an important, complex,
and difficult type of communication.
 self-disclosure-
occurs when one person
voluntarily tells another personal or private
things about himself or herself that the
other is unable to discern in a different
manner
(Pearce & Sharp, 1973).
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Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 It
involves risk on the part of the discloser
and a willingness to accept such
information or feelings on the part of the
other.
 Trust,
the essence of which is emotional
safety, serves as the foundation for selfdisclosure.
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Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 High
mutual self-disclosure is usually
associated with voluntary relationships
that have developed a strong relational
culture and are characterized by trust,
confirmation, and affection.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure

Traditionally, self-disclosure has been
considered a skill for fostering intimate
communication within families.

Selective, rather than total, self-disclosure
contributes to intimacy development.

Essentially, self-disclosure is coordinated
through a boundary management process tied to
partner or family rules
(Petronio, 2000).
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Tami Davis
Variables in Self-Disclosure
 Family
Background
 Spousal Relationships
 Partner Relationships
 Parent-Child Relationships
 Satisfaction
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Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 The
self-disclosure process has an
overlooked nonverbal component.
A
sequence of appropriate nonverbal
signals occurring in the context of verbal
disclosure also contribute significantly to
mutual understanding.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 Families
create unique opportunities for
self-disclosure.
 Joint
living provides the potential for such
interaction. Yet, this can take place only
where positive social relationships,
including trust, exist.
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Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure

One is likely to repeat self-disclosing if it is
rewarded or met with a positive response.

In a family that indicates satisfaction at knowing
what the members are thinking or feeling, even if
the information itself is not necessarily pleasant,
continued self-disclosure is likely.

If self-disclosure is met with rejecting or
disconfirming messages, the level of sharing will
drop significantly.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 Although
self-disclosure enhances
intimacy development, it can be used to
manipulate or control another family
member.
 Partial
or dishonest disclosures can
undermine trust in a relationship.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Self-Disclosure
 Self-disclosure
bears a direct relationship
to family levels of cohesion and
adaptation.
 An
extremely cohesive family may resist
negative self-disclosure because it would
threaten the connectedness, particularly if
the family has a low capacity for
adaptation.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Activity
 Get
in a small group and discuss:
 Under
what circumstances, if any, would
you recommend withholding complete selfdisclosure in a marital and/or family
relationship?
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Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication
 For
most partners, sexuality within a
marital relationship involves far more than
just physical performance;
 it
involves the partners' sexual identities,
their history of sexual issues, their mutual
perceptions of each others' needs, and the
messages contained within sexual
expression.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication
 The
quality of the sexual relationship
affects, and is affected by, the other
characteristics of intimacy—

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the affectionate/loving relationship and a
deep, detailed mutual knowledge of the two
partners.
Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication
 Healthy
sexuality reflects the balanced
expression of sexuality in family structures
that enhance the personal identity and
sexual health of members and the system
as a whole
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Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication

At both the marital and family level, sexual issues are
linked directly to communication.

Communication plays an important role in the
development of intimate sexuality"
(Troth & Peterson, 2000, p. 195).

Sex communication implies "people exchanging verbal
and nonverbal messages in a mutual effort to co-create
meaning about sexual beliefs, attitudes, values, and/or
behavior"
(Warren, 2003).
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication
 Sexuality,
including sexual attitudes and
behavior, may be viewed as a topic of
communication, a form of communication,
and a contributing factor to overall
relational intimacy and satisfaction.
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Sexuality and Communication
 It
is important for partners and family
members to talk about sex because
sexuality is part of the essence of who we
are, and not to talk about it sends
messages that there is something wrong
with it.
Sheehy (1997)
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Tami Davis
Socialization and Sexuality
 The
basis for a mutually intimate sexual
relationship reflects each partner's
orientation toward sexuality, particularly
that which is learned in the family-of-origin.
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Tami Davis
Socialization and Sexuality

The sexual dimensions of family life are tied strongly to
gender identities, boundaries, and developmental
change.

Much of your sexual conduct was originally learned,
coded, and performed on the basis of bio-social beliefs
regarding gender identity, learned in your family-oforigin.

Parents possess a set of gender-specific ideas about
males and females developed from their childhood
experiences and from "typical" behaviors of girls or boys
of similar ages to their children.
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Tami Davis
Parent-Child Communication
 Much
of what you learned about sexuality
took place within the rule-bound context of
your family.
 Sex
communication within the family has
become more open in the past decades
due to greater societal openness, media
references to sex, concerns about health
issues, and greater parent comfort.
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Tami Davis
Parent-Child Communication
 Many
parents "recognize the importance
of communication and want to
communicate with their children but they
lacked good sexual communication role
models in their own lives and are unaware
of how and when to initiate sexual
conversations"
(Hutchinson, 2002, p. 246).
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Tami Davis
Socialization and Sexuality

According to Maddock (1989), sexually healthy
families are characterized by:




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respect for both genders;
boundaries that are developmentally appropriate and
support gender identities;
effective and flexible communication patterns that
support intimacy, including appropriate erotic
expression; and
a shared system of culturally relevant sexual values
and meanings.
Tami Davis
Commitment
 Commitment
implies intense singular
energy directed toward sustaining a
relationship.
 It
is only through commitment that a loving
relationship remains a vital part of one's
life.
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Tami Davis
Commitment


involves one's internal devotion to the relationship


Personal dedication
Constraint commitment
refers to factors that keep people in relationships
regardless of devotion.
• includes religious beliefs, promises, children, finances, or
social pressure.
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Tami Davis
Commitment
 Commitment
is associated with higher
relationship satisfaction and stability and
with behaviors that maintain and enhance
the quality of relationships
(Flanagan et al., 2002).
 Intensity,
repetition, explicitness, and
codification support commitment talk
(Knapp & Vangelisti, 2000).
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Tami Davis
Forgiveness
 Defining
forgiveness is difficult because of
multiple meanings.
 It
may be viewed as "a transformation in
which motivation to seek revenge and to
avoid contact with the transgressor is
limited"
(Fincham & Beach, 2002, p. 240
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Tami Davis
)
Forgiveness
 Frequently,
forgiveness implies an explicit
renegotiation of the relationship that
usually involves metacommunication.
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Tami Davis
Barriers to Intimacy

Building marital or familial intimacy can be
difficult and risky.

For many-it is more comfortable to maintain a
number of pleasant or close relationships, none
involving true intimacy, than to become intensely
involved with a partner or child.

Some family members establish barriers to
relationship development to protect themselves
from possible pain or loss.
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Tami Davis
Barriers to Intimacy
 General

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Fears
There are many reasons for a fear of intimacy,
including: merger, exposure, attack, and
abandonment.
Tami Davis
Barriers to Intimacy

Jealousy

Although sometimes jealousy is seen as a sign of
affection, when it becomes violent or obsessive, it
creates a barrier to intimacy.

Jealousy is an "aversive emotional experience
characterized by feelings of anger, sadness, and fear
induced by the threat or actual loss of a relationship with
another person to a real or imagined rival"
(DeSteno & Salovey, 1994, p. 220).
COM 3013
Tami Davis
Jealousy
 cognitive
jealousy is negatively related to
relational satisfaction;
 constantly
mulling over jealous concerns
heightens tension.
 Jealousy
tends to erode relational
connections.
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Tami Davis
Jealousy
 Frequently,
family jealousy occurs when
members fear they may lose something
they value, such as the intensity of a
particular relationship.
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Tami Davis
Deception
 Given
that trust appears as a hallmark of
intimacy, deceiving another violates the
understanding.
 Most
people expect family and loved ones
to be truthful as a sign of connection or
relational commitment.
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Tami Davis
Deception
 Deception
involves intentionally managing
verbal and/or nonverbal messages so that
another will believe or understand
something in a way that the deceiver
knows is false
(Buller & Burgoon, 1994).
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Tami Davis
Activity
 Get
in a small group
 Take
a position on the statement:
 If
you have to work at a relationship,
there’s something wrong with it.
 Defend
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your position
Tami Davis