Download UNDERSTANDING COUNSELING IN A PASTORAL SETTING

Archpriest George Morelli, Ph.D.
GOD,
HEALING AND
PRIESTLY MINISTRY

The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy
Spirit, One God, is magnificently
summarized by St. John Chrysostom in his
Divine Liturgy: "for Thou art God ineffable,
inconceivable, invisible, incomprehensible,
ever existing and eternally the same."
 “The
Son is the living, essential, and precisely
similar Image of the invisible God, bearing the
entire Father within Himself, equal to Him in all
things, except that He is the Begetter. It is the
nature of the Father to cause; the Son is the
effect. The Father does not proceed from the
Son, but the Son from the Father. The Father
who begets is what He is because of His Son,
though not in second place after Him.”

The Divine Persons and their communicative
interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the
Divine Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit
cannot be conceived apart from each other, in as
much as the Divine Essence will lead to Divine
action (Divine Energy) and the creation of the
cosmos and mankind itself. Mankind was created
to be in communion with God and with one
another. The depth of the Trinitarian communion
of love, which is descriptive of their essence and
which also will serve as the purpose of mankind's
creation…

The Divine Persons are not added to another, they exist in one
another: the Father is in the Son and the Son is in the Father,
the Spirit is united to the Father together with the Son and
'completes the blessed Trinity' as if He were ensuring the
circulation of love within it. This circulation of love was called
by the Fathers [Sts. Basil and Maximus the
Confessor] perichoresis, another key word of their spirituality .
. . Along with kenosis [emptying]. Perichoresis, the exchange
of being by which each Person exists only in virtue of His
relationship with the Others, might be defined as a 'joyful
kenosis'. The kenosis of the Son in history is the extension of
the kenosis of the Trinity and allows us to share in it. Clement, O. (1993). The
Roots of Christian Mysticism. Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.


The nature of their sin was that they looked to the
creation rather than the Creator for the life (which
includes knowledge and wisdom) that can only come
from God. In fact, the Fathers posit that if Adam and Eve
had obeyed God, they would have matured in
understanding and discernment and eventually would
have come to know good and evil without becoming
captive to the evil.
The result of their disobedience was catastrophic. Adam
and Eve lost the Spirit of God and became subject
instead to the dust out of which they were created. Man
became bound to the earth rather than its master. He
was expelled from the Garden because knowing now
only separation from God, he could no longer be part of
its primordial harmony.
 We
share in the sin of Adam in that we are
born into a world where the consequences
of sin prevail. These consequences are not
only the outward brokenness like disease
and death, but interior disorder as well.
Our nature is corrupted. We are subject to
temptation, prone to sin (the passions),
and share in death.
 “when
he has attained dispassion … he …
has no further anxiety about the three that
were divided, for now with God they have
made peace with one another. These three
are the soul the body and the spirit.” [Palmer,
G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds). (1979). The Philokalia, Volume 1: The Complete Text;
Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and
Faber.]
 St
Macarius the Great, :"We can cultivate
the ability to discern right and wrong if we
understand the three movements which
lead to passion: The first is a natural
movement, inherent in the body, which
does not produce anything sinful or
burdening to the conscience, but merely
lets it be known that it exists in the body"
—such as hunger “The Teachings of the Holy Fathers on the Passions (1986).
Richfield Springs, NY: Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society

St. Mark the Ascetic: "Here we see that the natural appetite of
the body innocently expresses itself: feeling the pangs of
hunger, we prepare food and eat to fullness. Suddenly certain
thoughts come to us involuntarily. Until 'our will consents,
these thoughts constitute neither virtue or vice, but merely
disclose the inclination of our will." This is the reason I use the
term biological substrate in discussing emotional disturbance
and the passions. Orthodox anthropology that suggests that
"natural movements,” "inclinations," are the biological
substrate of passions and further sins, etc. I do believe what
are called "natural movements" are not the same as the
"original nature" of man, but are a result of our fallen nature.
These words of the Holy Fathers are pastorally and clinically
useful in understanding the connection between body and
spirit. [Philokalia I]

In the Orthodox Church, healing of the soul ranks
higher than the healing of the body. In fact, the
healing of the body is offered as a sign of His
mercy and blessing to the person experiencing
God's healing and to inspire others to do His will.
Healing is to be sought both through prayer and
the application of physical sciences, but no
complete healing is possible apart from the final
resurrection of an individual because the sentence
of death still reigns in the mortal body. Further, not
all people are healed, despite fervent pleas to God
and the applications of the best medicines.
Sometime illness needs to be endured.

The Church Fathers give us insight into how we can use
illness and the acceptance of mortality (death) to grow in
Christ. St Ilias the Presbyter wrote: "Suffering deliberately
embraced cannot free the soul totally from sin unless the soul
is also tried in the fire of suffering that comes unchosen. For
the soul is like a sword: if it does not go 'through fire and
water' (Psalm 66:12, LXX) -- that is, by suffering deliberately
embraced and suffering that comes unchosen -- it cannot but
be shattered by the blows of fortune" (Ilias the Presbyter,). We
have to acquire an attitude of embracing both illness and the
inevitable death of earthly life as part of God's divine will for
us. This is true not only for the sick, but also their loved ones
who share in the suffering. In those cases where a healing
does occur, it happens so that we may love God even
more.[Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3:
The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of
Corinth. London: Faber and Faber. ]

Sometimes physical sickness is necessary to heal the
soul. St. Maximus the Confessor wrote, "Suffering
cleanses the soul infected with the filth of sensual
pleasure and detaches it completely from material
things by showing it the penalty incurred as a result
of its affection for them. This is why God in His justice
allows the devil to afflict men with torments." The
acceptance of our illness and death as God's will is
one means by which we embrace the saving grace of
Christ. This is a hard saying to accept, but those who
have suffered in Christ testify to its truth. Could we
not allow that sometimes God understands what we
do not understand?


“The sacrament of priesthood is deeply
significant…Despite the Orthodox emphasis on the
‘royal priesthood’ of all believers, the Church also
recognizes a difference between laypeople and
ordained clergy, the latter being entrusted with the
celebration of the Eucharist, and having the power
of ‘binding and loosing’. Ordination into a
hierarchical rank, be it of bishop, priest or
deacon, is not only a change of status but a
transition to another level of existence.”
Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion. (2002). The Mystery of Faith: An Introduction to
the Teaching and Spirituality of the Orthodox Church. London: Darton, Longman
and Todd.
 “[This]
grace is so exceedingly great that
were men able to see the glory of this grace,
the whole world would wonder at it; but the
Lord has veiled it that His servants should not
be puffed up but find salvation in humility …
Truly noble is a priest —- the minister at
God’s altar.” The words of Christ Himself
given to his apostles and followers tell us of
the consequences of receiving His gifts: “…to
whom much is given, of him will much be
required…” (Lk 12:48) [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan
the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.]
 Thus
all who make up the visible Church
on earth each a different function
depending on God’s grace. As St. Paul
tells us: “Now there are varieties of gifts,
but the same Spirit; and there are varieties
of service, but the same Lord; and there
are varieties of working, but it is the same
God who inspires them all in every one.
(1Cor 12: 4-6)
 The
Church founded by Christ and enlivened
by the Holy Spirit at Pentecost is also
hierarchical, that is to say made up of bishop,
priest, deacon and those baptized into the
royal priesthood. The teachings of Christ are
understood and expressed in Council by the
bishops and informed by the priests that
surround them and confirmed by the people
of God, the royal priesthood. This is done in
union with the common teaching and
common mind of the church as passed on
through the apostles and Church Fathers.
 Do
thou Thyself, O Master, look down from
heaven upon thou who have bowed their
heads unto thee … heal the sick, Thou
who art the physician of our souls and
bodies

“We accept all those things which have
been handed down by the Law and the
Prophets and the Apostles and the
Evangelists. We know and revere them,
and over and above these things we seek
nothing else.” St. John of Damaskos [Philokalia II]
 St.
Basil in his Divine Liturgy reminds all who
surround the Holy Table: “Be mindful also, O
Lord, of the Priesthood, the Deaconate in
Christ, and every priestly rank, and put not to
confusion any one of us who stand about Thy
Holy Altar.” The ministry of service of the
priest-bishop is to preach, teach, sanctify and
pastor, that is to say lead the flock of Christ.
But the grace that outflows from ordination is
not personal but is effectuated by God.
 “Do
thou, the same Lord, fill with the gift of
Thy Holy Spirit this man whom it hath
pleased thee to advance to the degree of
Priest; that he may be worthy to stand in
innocency before thine Altar; to proclaim
the Gospel of Thy kingdom; t minister the
word of Thy truth; to offer unto thee
spiritual gifts and sacrifices; to renew thy
people through the laver of regeneration.”

“It is not Damasius, or Peter, or Ambrose
or Gregory who baptizes. We are fulfilling
our ministry as servants, but the validity of
the sacraments depends upon you. It is
not within human power to communicate
the Divine benefits – it is your gift, O Lord.”

Consider the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk
10: 30-37): ”But a Samaritan, as he journeyed,
came to where he was; and when he saw him, he
had compassion, and went to him…” Bishop
Hierotheos Vlachos (1994) emphatically states: “In
St. John Chrysostom’s interpretation of this
parable it is clearly evident that the Church is a
Hospital which heals those sick with sin, while the
bishops and priests, like the Apostle Paul, are the
healers of the people of God.” Vlachos, Bishop
Hierotheos, (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the
Fathers. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.

“..the priest is properly a spiritual
physician who cures people’s sicknesses.
Worship and sacrament must be placed
within the therapeutic method and
treatment.” Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994).

Healing can only be enlivened with the reception of the Holy
Mysteries of the Church. Holy Baptism; Chrismation;
Eucharist, (reception of the very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity
of Christ); Holy Confession, (metanoia, repentance in mind,
heart and action, true sorrow for sin and longing for and
working on being in communion with God); Holy Unction, the
quintessential Holy Mystery of healing in which the priest
prays: “… this oil, that it may be effectual for those who are
anointed therewith, unto healing and unto relief from every
passion, of every defilement of flesh and spirit, and every ill;
that thereby may be glorified Thine all holy Name, of the
Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and ever,
and unto ages of ages. Amen;” Holy Orders, (ordination to the
diaconate, priesthood, episcopacy) and Blessed Marriage,
(male and female uniting to become one flesh, blessed by the
Church).

Christ told His apostles, “It [domineering others] shall not be
so among you but whoever would be great among you must
be your servant” (Mt 20: 26). For as St. Paul told the
Corinthians: “For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus
Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus'
sake.” This implies that we interiorize the compassion of
Christ: “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for
them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep
without a shepherd.” (Mt 9: 36). This recognizes that the priest
and all who are true Christians “Put on then, as God's chosen
ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness,
meekness, and patience, forbearing one another…”. (Col3:
12-13). For as St. Paul explains “if one member suffers, all
suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.
Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.
(1Cor 12: 26-27)

For the priestly office is indeed discharged on earth, but it ranks amongst heavenly
ordinances; and very naturally so: for neither man, nor angel, nor archangel, nor any other
created power, but the Paraclete Himself, instituted this vocation, and persuaded men while
still abiding in the flesh to represent the ministry of angels. Wherefore the consecrated
priest ought to be as pure as if he were standing in the heavens themselves in the midst of
those powers. Fearful, indeed, and of most awful import, were the things which were used
before the dispensation of grace, as the bells, the pomegranates, the stones on the
breastplate and on the ephod, the girdle, the mitre, the long robe, the plate of gold, the holy
of holies, the deep silence within. But if any one should examine the things which belong to
the dispensation of grace, he will find that, small as they are, yet are they fearful and full of
awe, and that what was spoken concerning the law is true in this case also, that "what has
been made glorious hath no glory in this respect by reason of the glory which excelleth."
For when thou seest the Lord sacrificed, and laid upon the altar, and the priest standing and
praying over the victim, and all the worshippers empurpled with that precious blood, canst
thou then think that thou art still amongst men, and standing upon the earth? Art thou not,
on the contrary, straightway translated to Heaven, and casting out every carnal thought
from the soul, dost thou not with disembodied spirit and pure reason contemplate the things
which are in Heaven? Oh! what a marvel! what love of God to man! He who sitteth on high
with the Father is at that hour held in the hands of all, and gives Himself to those who are
willing to embrace and grasp Him. And this all do through the eyes of faith!
[http://orthodoxchurchfathers.com/?mode=frames&query=Treatise%20on%20the
%20Priesthood&width=512]
 Spiritual
Counseling is based on Spiritual
Fatherhood, which in turn is based on the
relation ship of the Person’s of the Holy
Trinity among themselves, which starts
with the Father who is the “Begetter.”
 Knowledge
of the Mysteries of God
 Scrutinizing the heart

Summary of the teachings of St. Irenaeus [Hausherr, I.
(1990), Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East.
Spencer, MA: Cistercian Publications.
MENTAL
HEALTH
PROFESSIONALS
Typical
Program
 The
Clinical Ph.D. program at Rutgers
University is an American Psychological
Association accredited training program. We
are a member of the Academy of
Psychological Clinical Science, a coalition of
doctoral and internship training programs that
share a common goal of producing and
applying scientific knowledge [emphasis
mine] to the assessment, understanding, and
amelioration of human problems.
 Clinical
faculty conduct research on cognitive
and behavior therapies, health psychology,
psychophysiology, applied behavior analysis,
prevention, substance abuse, emotional
intelligence, cognitive functioning, eating
disorders, anxiety disorders, and autism.
Students have the opportunity to work with
child, adolescent, adult, and older adult
populations in multiple research labs at
Rutgers and affiliated institutions. The training
approach relies heavily upon a mentorship
model of training.
2003
2004
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
Number of 345
Applicants
340
354
273
244
260
296
275
Number
Offered
Admission
9
9
8
8
12
7
7
Size
of 8
Incoming
Class
8
7
4
4
8
3
5
Number of 8
Incoming
Students
Receiving
Full Support
8
7
4
4
8
3
5
12
GRE Data 2003
(Average
Scores)
2004
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
Verbal
622
680
670
650
690
640
720
660
Quantitativ 717
e
750
700
720
750
690
720
710

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

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



PSY 2900
PSY 2445
PSY 3800
PSY 2430
PSY 3250
PSY 2050
PSY 1951
PSY 1952
PSY 2040
PSY 2460
PSY 2420
Professional Ethics
Psychotherapy Research
Psychometric Theory
Cultural, Racial, and Ethnic Bases of Behavior
Psychological Testing
History of Psychology
Intermediate Quantitative Methods
Multivariate Analysis in Psychology
Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology
Diagnostic Interviewing
Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Psychological Disorders
Clinical students must also take one course in each of the following substantive areas: biological bases of
behavior (e.g., PSY 2480, Human Neuropsychology/Neuroanatomy; PSY 2450, Affective and Social
Neuroscience; PSY 1808, Neurobiological Aspects of Psychopathology); social bases of behavior (e.g.,
PSY 2500 Advanced Social Psychology); cognitive-affective bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2400 Cognitive
Psychology and Emotional Disorders); and individual differences (Required course PSY 2040
Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology fulfills the individual differences requirement for State
licensure).
In accordance with American Psychological Association guidelines for the accreditation of clinical
psychology programs, clinical students also receive consultation and supervision within the context of
clinical practica in psychological assessment and treatment beginning in their second semester of their
first year and running through their third year. They receive further exposure to additional topics (e.g.,
human development) in the Developmental Psychopathology seminar and in the twice-monthly clinical
psychology “brown bag” speaker series. Finally, students complete a year-long clinical internship.
 Qualifying
Examination before beginning
Dissertation 16 hours (2 8 hr days)-Covers
all areas in psychology
 Dissertation Defense (Oral Test 2-3 hours)
 Complete
3,000 hours of qualifying
supervised professional experience, 1,500
of which must be accrued post-doctorally.
For further information about supervised
professional experience, please review
section 1387 of the California Code of
Regulations at
http://www.psychboard.ca.gov/lawsregs/
 Taking a written and oral state examination
Spiritual
Ethos The Church Fathers teach that
the intellect is a characteristic of the highest value,
given by God, that a person can possess. Intellect
does not mean high intelligence necessarily, but
the faculty of intellect, namely, the ability to reason,
distinguish, create, and all the qualities associated with
it. Further, there is a moral imperative implied in their
assessment. Since the intellect is a gift from God, we
must exercise the intellect to the best of our ability.
Neglecting the power of the intellect means we are not
conforming to the will of God. Consequently, we must
use the full measure of our intellects in the theory and
practice of psychology.
 By
consensus the Church Fathers
consider:
 Intelligence to be related to the spiritual
perception of God and that which is Godly
and which is inspired by Him.
 Reason is a faculty of the soul related to
mind. It is discursive and uses logic. St.
John of Damascus calls it a “sense of the
soul,” also called “[a faculty]” Philokalia II

St. Maximus the Confessor taught: "the
grace of the most Holy Spirit does not
confer wisdom on the Saints without their
natural intellect as capacity to receive it."
Goodness and wisdom is granted to man
by his "volitive faculty, so that what He
(Christ) is in His essence the creature may
become by participation" [Philokalia II]
 Since
the rules that govern the world are
written into the very fabric of creation and
discerned by reason, the atheist, agnostic,
or those committed to Christ can discover
what they are. Uncovering them is not
dependent on whether or not one believes
in God. Use of a faculty (reason) in which
we are made in God’s image makes it a
Godly task.

What is termed the "scientific method" is the
procedure by which scientific inquiry takes place.
The scientific method is not static, but dynamic and
ever changing that is refined as scientists get
better at doing the "work of science." In psychology
for example, as recent as thirty years ago only
individual research studies were done. In the last
few years researchers have been able to take the
results of many individual studies to analyze the
effects as a single study in a statistical procedure
called "meta-analysis" Advances like this
frequently occur.

Observations. Observations are defined by the procedures
used in measuring or assessing a subject; e.g. the intelligence
of an individual is defined operationally by the score on a valid
and reliable intelligence test.

Hypothesis. These are assumptions or guesses as to how
observations are related to each other to predict observable
and measurable outcomes.

Falsifiability: A hypothesis must be falsifiable. A "good
hypothesis" can be falsified while a "bad outcome" cannot be
falsified.

Data Collection. Individuals chosen to be subjects in studies should be randomly
selected. Subjects need informed consent but should be unbiased so as not to
influence the outcome of a study. Researchers also have to be unbiased.
Further, extra factors (variables) have to be eliminated in the studies. For example,
say a researcher is studying whether a new vitamin promotes growth and designs a
study so that only males makeup the vitamin group (the group taking the vitamin)
while females makeup the control group (the group taking a placebo). The study is
biased because an equal number of both sexes should makeup both groups.

Data Analysis and Reporting. Measurements are analyzed, interpreted, and
reported by accepted statistical methods. If the predicted outcome occurs this is
considered support for the hypothesis.

Special Studies. Strictly speaking, case studies, correlation investigations,
naturalistic observations, questionnaires, and surveys are not experiments. They are
the source of the hypotheses that lead to experimental investigations.
Psychoanalysis
• Circular Reasoning
• Reification
It is unethical, negligent, immoral, and sinful to use
non-scientific psychological methods for the treatment
of mental disorders, for educational purposes, to
promote family & social functioning, provide pastoral
care and other efforts toward behavior change. Only
when psychological methods are submitted to scientific
discipline can they be considered reputable,
trustworthy, and ultimately helpful.
 Mental health practitioners must keep up with the
scientific research in their field. Likewise educators and
parents should know the techniques shown to be
effective with their families and children. Clergy should
be informed of real scientific interventions to aid their
pastoral ministry and make proper referrals.




Bishop Hierotheos (1998) states that the use of contemporary
psychology to guide men is a secular view of pastoral care and
cannot substitute for asceticism and the hesychasm (silence) taught
by the Church. God as both the source and end of a person's healing
and sets the precepts of sound psychological practice squarely
where it belongs: in the tradition of the Church., "Pastoral care is the
work of the Church...it is the Church's method for guiding men
toward deification."
Scientific psychology is not a substitute for the asceticism, the
spiritual wisdom of the Church Fathers, hesychaism (silence),
prayer, the Holy Mysteries (sacraments), all the constituents that
make up life in the Church. Rather it complements the teachings
about how the Christian life ought to be lived. Scientific psychology is
a tool, based on our God given reason, to foster communion with
God. In the spirit of St. Luke and all the physicians of the Church:
healing should lead to thanksgiving and blessing towards God.
Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos
Monastery.
A
Primer on Principles of Behavior
 A Primer on Cognitive-Behavioral-Emotive
Interaction

All must be done in the spirit of an "Orthodox Family
Culture“: the totality of family actions, behaviors and
beliefs should be permeated by Orthodox teachings and
practice. By marriage the Orthodox couple is ‘ordained’
so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox
home and family a ‘domestic church’, a ‘little church in
the home.’ The Orthodox wedding prayer states: "Unite
them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair
children for education in thy faith and fear
[acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God]. By
daily prayer together, scripture reading, attendance at
Divine Liturgy and Services and bringing a Christian view
of world events into the family, Christ can be at the center
of every home.

Parents should inform their children what are the
behaviors they want from their children. Reasonable
boundaries should be set and then maintained by
cognitive-behavioral management techniques. These
techniques are based on behavioral science research.
God made us in His image and we are called to be like
Him. The Church Fathers have told us that one of the
important ways we are made in His image is in our
reason and free will. Therefore when we use the tools
and techniques science offers us we are conforming to
the image of God in which He made us. Also did not
Our Lord tell us to "be wise as serpents" (Mat. 10:16)?
Using behavioral science tools in Christ's name is
surely following His Divine Will.

Parents want their children to behave appropriately. We have to have
in mind exactly what behaviors are appropriate and/or inappropriate.
These behaviors (and their boundaries or limits) will change
depending on the age, maturity, peers, and culture of the child,
surroundings and family. As a general rule, boundaries grow with
age. A little visual graphic of a series of boxes from small to large
may be useful in explaining this. A child has freedom within the box,
The sides represent the boundaries (set by parents, society and our
Orthodox Christian morality). As a child gets older the box gets
bigger. Note however that there are still boundaries. [This is true
even as adults.] As a rule the boundaries should be enforceable and
not too different from the child's peer group. For example, bedtime
set at 7:00 PM for a 13 yr old is 'to small a box', 1:00 am would be 'to
large a box' (more suited for someone almost 18 years with
supervision). Unrealistic boundaries undermine the authority and
credibility of parents and invite rule breaking.
 Behavioral
Pinpointing is what is:
• Said
• Done
• When
• Where
 The
abstraction trap has to be avoided:
• Use of general terms: “be good,” or “don’t be
bad.”

“Pinpointing" behavior is usually the most difficult for
parents to learn. The definition is easy: what is the child
doing or saying, when, and where. It is the opposite of
general descriptions. For example, describing a toddler's
eating as "good" is totally useless. Telling a child "You were
bad today ..." is equally meaningless. Words like "good, bad,
hostile, considerate ...etc." are all abstract words:
meaningless for behavioral management. If a teacher
reports back to you that your son was hostile today. What
does this mean? It could mean anything from the child using
some rude word to a classmate, to picking up a baseball bat
and hitting someone. These are examples of pinpointed
statements: "While standing on the lunch line John kicked
Sheila"; "While sitting at dinner Todd placed his milk glass
an inch from the edge of the table and he hit into it when he
swung around."

In giving instructions, parents often fall into the
"abstraction trap": "When we get to Grandma's I want you
to be "good" today. Compare this to a behavioral
pinpointed instruction. "Elizabeth, when we get to
Grandma's I want you to play with your Barbie doll at the
table and if you want something to eat or drink I want you
to ask Mommy or Daddy. OK. Remember don't leave
your play area unless you ask first." The child knows
exactly what is expected from him or her. (This is also
true for adults. Poor spouses, managers etc. ask others
to "try harder" or be "more detailed" or "care more;" not
realizing these terms are abstractions, having many
different possible interpretations, and are ineffective in
communication and in facilitating behavior change)
 The
events that follow a behavior will
determine if the behavior gets stronger
or weaker. There are basically two types
of events that follow behavior: Rewards
(or reinforcements) and punishments.
 Positive
(+) Reinforcement: Behaviors
(good or bad) increase when followed by
a pleasant (to the child) consequence
 Negative (-) Reinforcement: Behaviors
(good or bad) increase when followed by
taking away an unpleasant (to the child)
consequence
 Positive
(+) Punishment: Behaviors (good
or bad) are decreased when followed by
an unpleasant (to the child)
consequence.
 Negative
(-) Punishment: Behaviors (good
or bad) are decreased when taking away
a pleasant (to the child) consequence.

If a child places their dirty dishes in the sink (a good behavior) and
the parent says "Mary, I am proud of you for putting your dish in the
sink," (and the child smiles noting pleasure at the praise) such good
behaviors will increase. But suppose Joseph is told to drink his milk
and he defiantly says "No" (a bad behavior) and you say "Yes you
will" and he says "No" again (not only a bad behavior but now an
additional bad behavior because he is talking back to you) and you
say again "I told you, you will drink your milk" Such bad behaviors
will increase. Why? Because they are followed by rewarding
consequences. The parent is attending to bad behavior. [Note. In this
case Joseph should be told ahead of time the consequence of not
drinking his milk, (or better: the favorable consequence or outcome
of drinking his milk) "Joseph if you don't drink your milk you will have
an extra garbage chore to do." (or "You will not watch your 7:00 PM
TV show." (alternatively: "Joseph, if you drink your milk, we will do
your garbage chore for you today," or "You will get to watch that
show on TV at 7:00 PM that you wanted."] Simply say it once and
then apply the consequence.

Parents also want to decrease bad or inappropriate behaviors. This
is done my making sure unpleasant or unfavorable events
(punishments) follow inappropriate behaviors. Mike is playing
Nintendo instead of doing his homework. His parent may say "Well
Mike you decided to play instead of doing your homework, you will
loose Nintendo for one day until this time tomorrow. (punishment) If
you do your homework tomorrow right after school and finish by 5:00
PM you can earn back the Nintendo game." (This is expressed as
reward for appropriate behavior). There is a very important lesson in
this example. When using punishment a parent must make sure that
it is followed by rewarding appropriate behavior. Research has
shown that punishment by itself is ineffective. Also at all times
punishment should be said in a soft tone (unemotionally). Follow the
advise of Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick." In
this example the "stick" is simply the consequences of the
inappropriate behavior. (e.g. in the loss of the Nintendo game).



The child cognitively focused on the relation between his/her
behavior and the consequence. If the parent gives the
consequence in an angry tone the child thinks "Boy is Mom or
Dad mean" ... they are right and the child just lost the
connection between their own inappropriate behavior and
punishment. The child's attention is now focused on the parent
(and the mean tone of voice).
The child does not learn and resentment builds.
Often angry behavior modeled by the parent is performed by
the child. This angry behavior would be considered by the
parent as inappropriate for the child to display. If this happens
the parent has lost out twice (the child does not learn the
original homework-Nintendo connection and is instead
learning (from the parent ) that angry behavior is OK.

Children are especially susceptible to being influenced
by modeling (also known as observational learning)
although the effects of modeling occur at all ages.
Psychological research has found substantial support
for the influence of modeling in children's learning and
resultant performance (Bandura, 1986) The work of
Gerald Patterson (Patterson, DeBarsyshe & Ramsey,
1989) suggests that prosocial as well as deviant social
behavior is heavily influenced by observing the social
exchanges in the family, as well as the child's
temperament, parental discipline style and personality,
and the social context of the family. [Bandura, A. (1986).Social
foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall;
Patterson, G.R., DeBarsyshe, B.D., & Ramsey, E. (1989). A developmental perspective on antisocial
behavior. American Psychologist, 44, 329-335]

Children are among the greatest hypocrisy detectors in the
world. When they witness and experience a discrepancy
between what they are taught by Christ and His Church and
what is practiced in the Domestic Church the consequences
are spiritually and morally devastating. The disconnect is
immediately seen. The children's faith in the credibility of the
Christian understanding of husband-wife, father-mother,
family life and/or the moral authority of Christ and the
message of His Church is shattered. Contemplate Our
Lord's dire warning: "Whoever causes one of these little
ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a
great millstone were hung round his neck and he were
thrown into the sea." (Mk 9:42).

Shaping is defined as the rewarding of successive
approximations of the correct response. I
purposely used the example of the milk glass and
the plate above. It is an example almost every
parent will recognize because it is frequently in
such a situation that parents first encounter this
problem. Invariably, most children place their milk
glass at the very edge of the table next to their
plates. Invariably children fidget, twist, and swing
around with body and arms. Invariably the milk
glass is hit and the milk spills all over. Sometimes I
almost think there has been more milk spilt than
has gone into their children's little bellies.

Consistency means applying these techniques as
close to 100% of the time as humanly possible. In
clinical-pastoral settings, in order to make the point of
how important consistency is, I will sometimes rather
dramatically say to parents: "I don't want 95%
consistency or 99.5 % consistency nor 99.9%
consistency, but 100% consistency." Consistency is
most important when learning new behaviors. It is also
most important when dealing with problematic
inappropriate behaviors. But individual differences in
strength of appropriately-learned behavior are also
very important and must be taken into account when
applying the consistency tool.


A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by
acquiring the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and
feelings. Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true
communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way. This
definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance should
be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also
called pragmatics of speech); and 2) only delivered when pleasant or
neutral communication fails to bring about the desired result. If this
approach fails, only then should an escalation of words and
increasing communication pragmatics (tone of voice, volume, pitch,
etc.) be employed.
For the Christian a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics
must be done in the love of Christ which includes patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - what is known in
scriptural terminology as the "fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23)"
(Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian
Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliAssertiveness.php.).
 The
Problem: At times a family member, or
even someone outside the family will
stubbornly insist on his or her own viewpoint
and be intent to prove the other wrong. It
almost appears like warfare in which the
insisting one will not back off until their
spouse or child declares "unconditional
surrender." Morelli, (2010a) discussed a very
effective communication tool in dealing with
such situations. It can be used in situations in
which your point of view is rejected outright. It
is called the disarming technique:

After expressing your view to a person and it is rejected,
disarming becomes a powerful way to deflect conflict.
Basically it makes a neutral statement about the other
individual’s response. One does not have to agree to what
was said and what you consider false, so truth as you see
does not have to be compromised. This is especially important
if the truth you expressed and that was rejected by another
individual reflects the orthodox teaching of Christ and His
Church. Some representative Disarming Responses: “Hum!
That’s an idea;” “That is one way of looking at it;” “That’s a
possibility;” “That’s a point to consider.” If the person you are
communicating with is a friend and you want to maintain the
friendship and they keep pursuing the point a last effort
communication might be: “Well if we want to keep our
friendship, we will just have to agree to disagree on this point.”
[Morelli, G. (2010, April 09). The Disarming Technique. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-thedisarming-technique]




With Godly insight into the problem of what we today are calling
consistency, St. John Chrysostom, using the vocabulary of his day,
warns parents about providing "external safeguards of wealth and
fame", what we have been calling rewards, which shield them from
"the winds."
In the words of the golden-mouthed Saint:
“Don't surround them with the external safeguards of wealth and
fame, for when these fail -- and they will fail -- our children will stand
naked and defenseless (Morelli: never having learned responsibility),
having gained no profit from their former prosperity, but only injury,
since when those artificial protections that shielded them from the
wind are removed they will be blown to the ground in a moment.
Therefore wealth is a hindrance, because it leaves us unprepared for
the hardships of life. So let us raise our children in such a way that
they can face any trouble and not be surprised when difficulties
come."
 Authoritarian
 Authoritative
 Neglectful
 Permissive

Morelli, G. (2006, February 4). Smart Parenting Part II: Behavioral Management Techniques.
www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php.

[Morelli, G. (2009, May 22). Smart Parenting XVI: Styles of Parenting
http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-xvi-styles-of-parenting ]

This parenting style communicates and explains household rules to
the child in a respectful and warm, but firm, tone. Often
communicating the consequences of non-compliance is enough to
influence behavior (Morelli, 2006). Research shows this to be the
most effective parenting style (Baumrind, 1991). Parents who use
the Authoritative Style set boundaries and even high standards for
their children. However, these parents are less concerned with
having obedient children as an entitlement of their parenthood, as
they are with shaping the behavior of their children for the child’s
good and welfare. They are attentive to their child’s point of view, but
will then explain the reason for the family rules which have been set.
Within the boundaries of the family rules which have been explained
to the child, they encourage the child to make their own decisions,
be autonomous, individualistic and independent. They are less likely
to employ physical punishment, but are adept and skillful in applying
rewards and punishments in a scientific (and spiritually sound
[Baumrind, D. (1991). “Parenting Styles and Adolescent Development,” in J. Brooks-Gunn, R.
Lerner & A. C. Petersen (eds.), The Encyclopedia on Adolescence, 746–758. New York: Garland.]
 Our
perceptions or interpretations of
events trigger our emotional responses
and our subsequent behaviors
 Rational
Perceptions: Functional emotions
and behaviors
 Irrational Perceptions: Dysfunctional
emotions and behaviors
 Christian
parents must use the scientific
understanding of human behavior in a
synergia with authentic communion with
Christ and His Church and the expression
of genuine Christian love for their children.
 Selective
Abstraction
 Arbitrary Inference
 Personalization
 Polarization
 Generalization
 Demanding Expectations
 Catastrophizing
 Emotional Reasoning

Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. NY: Guilford; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in
Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.; Morelli, G. (2006, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional
Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php.
 Selective
abstraction is focusing on one event
while excluding others. An example would be
a parent that selectively focuses on a bad
grade their child just received on their report
card, while ignoring good grades in other
subjects. This irrational perception might lead
to anger or depression. Such a parent might
lash out at the child instead of praising the
child for the good grades the child received
and coming up with a solution to improve the
bad grade.
 Arbitrary
inference is drawing a conclusion
unwarranted by the facts in an ambiguous
situation. A parent, in a situation similar to
the one described above, might conclude
the child's next grade report would
continue to be unsatisfactory. This would
lead to further anger and depression.
 Personalization
is attributing an event that
occurs in personal and subjective terms. For
example, a father may become angry or
depressed thinking that her child is
deliberately getting bad grades to "get back at
him." A typical statement that reveals
personalization is taking place is, "why are
you doing this to me?" The parent
immediately personalizes the statement with
no evidence that the child was deliberately
trying to do this.
 Polarization
is perceiving or interpreting
events in all or nothing terms. A parent may
become depressed after the child receives
a B rather than A on the child's report card
and feel that the child is a poor student. This
parent polarizes events into two categories, in
this case good student vs. bad student, and
fails to see that all events can be graded on a
continuum that extends beyond the two poles.
On such a scale a B grade is closer to
an A than to an F, for example
 Generalization
is the tendency to see things
in always or never categories. A parent
becomes depressed when viewing their
child's bad behavior. The parent irrationally
concludes that the child will "never change
and will always" be the same. The dysphoria
may lead to a self defeating pattern of
behavior which further distances the parent
and her child thereby setting herself up for the
very thing she did not want: a badly behaving
child.

Demanding Expectations are beliefs that there are
laws or rules that have to be obeyed. For example,
a parent may be depressed because his child
talked back to him. They may (irrationally) believe
that a universal law disallows the back talk and,
once broken, allows the parent to become upset.
The parent forgets that obedience cannot be
coerced. Even God asks, rather than compels, us
to obey Him; a contingency that exists because
mankind is created free (another characteristic of
man being created in the image and likeness of
God, Morelli, 2006). [Morelli, G. (2006, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in
the Modern World. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php]
 Catastrophizing
is the perception that
something is more than one hundred
percent bad, terrible or awful. Citing the
example above, a parent who reacts to her
son's talking back as if it's the end of the
world falls into catastrophic thinking. The
response is usually an out of control anger.

Emotional Reasoning is the judgment that feelings
are facts. A parent may feel that her child does not
like her. When she is asked how she knows this
the response is usually that "my feelings are
always right." She confuses the ‘reality’ of her
feelings with the tools needed to objectively prove
a fact (which feelings are incapable of doing). An
effective response that clarifies the distinction to a
person bound to emotional reasoning is, "No
matter how strongly some people felt at the world
was flat, (before 1492 AD) the world was really
round. ‘Feeling’ that something is true does not
mean that it ‘is’ true.
 Once
parents recognize their thinking is
distorted (distorted cognitions) regarding
their children, they have to change or
restructure the irrational thinking. Three
questions can be posed to help them
change their thinking:
• Where is the evidence?
• Is there any other way of looking at it?
• Is it as bad as it seems?




A parent concludes (arbitrary inference) that after a bad grade
their child's performance will never improve (generalization).
Answering the three questions might help the parents come up
with a more rational approach and be less angry or depressed.
The parent might reason:
“True my child did get a poor grade, but with the teacher's help
and specific tutoring my child could improve and raise his grade.
Another way of looking at it is I do not even know why the poor
grade was earned. If I talk to the teacher and find out more,
maybe we can find a solution to the problem. It is not as bad as it
seemed a moment ago. I see I can do something about it.”
Following this change in thinking (called: cognitive restructuring
process), parents begin to feel less angry, anxious, and
depressed. They become more behaviorally pro-active in dealing
with their child's problem.

Special considerations are necessary for demanding
expectations and Catastrophizing occurs. Parents
with demanding expectations frequently try to impose
(sometimes forcibly) a personal set of rules on their
children. Laws of nature like gravity are inviolate. God
made the universe to function by these laws. Social
laws and norms however, are of a different type. They
implicitly recognize a person's capacity for freedom,
particularly his volition in determining whether or not
to obey them. Man cannot violate the natural laws like
gravity, but he is free to disobey God's commandments
as well as social norms, laws, and family rules.
Neither God nor Godly parents want these social rules
to be disobeyed. The behavioral management
techniques discussed above are intended to help
parents teach their children to obey God's
commandments and the reasonable family rules set by
parents.
 The recognition that obedience to the commandments
of God as well as the reasonable norms of society
cannot be coerced is not meant to diminish a person's
responsibility toward them. Understanding that the
expectation of obedience functions as a ‘preference’
rather than a ‘demand’ however, avoids the emotional
overreactions triggered by Demanding
Expectations and Catastrophizing.

 When
the rich young man did not follow
our Lord's counsel, the Gospels do not
report that Jesus displayed a "hot"
emotion. If anything, the emotion of Jesus
could be described as disappointed but
"cool" (Matthew 19: 16-30). If this were a
parenting situation, it would be an
opportunity to use the previously
discussed behavioral management tools.
A
special cognitive technique has been
shown to be effective with
catastrophizing (Burns 1989, Morelli, 2004).
(When actual trauma situations in a family
occur frequently the priest or a mental health
clinician will be involved; a situation
addressed below.) The technique involves
evaluating the situations on a zero to 100
scale, with zero being the most pleasant thing
event that could imagined. Burns, D.D. (1989). The Feeling Good
Handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. NY: William Morrow.


Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event
(zero). Sitting on a sun drenched tropical beach is a typical
image. They often need help however, imaging a worst event
scenario (100) in graphic terms. Parents seldom have trouble
imaging a very pleasant event (zero). They often need help
however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic
terms.
In pastoral and clinical counseling I use of the example of the
particularly horrifying death of a medical missionary in South
East Asia several years ago to help parents create their
'Mental-Ruler.' After starvation failed to kill the physician
quickly, his captors placed chopsticks in his ears and
hammered them in a little each day, until the chopsticks
penetrated his brain, resulting in an agonizing death.
 Parents
will frequently say the untimely
death of their child is the most awful thing
on earth. The word "death" is an abstract
sanitized (and therefore useless) term.



The priest should take care not to inadvertently endorse a catastrophic
mental ruler appraisal. The loss of a child is a bad thing. Appropriate sorrow
and grief is a natural and normal human reaction. Unless the type of death
the child suffered reaches the 100 point on the "Mental Ruler Scale"
however, it is less than the most terrible thing that could happen to a person.
In the case of the death of a child the parish priest or clinician would usually
be available to the family during this time. It is important to let the grieving
process occur and allow the parents and loved ones to express their deep
feelings. Pastoral or clinical intervention during this time would be highly
inappropriate. Simply being in the presence of the grieving parents and
family with compassionate love, support, and prayer, would be an
appropriate application of Christ's healing ministry.
A priest may unintentionally say something like, "Oh! isn't it awful," or "Oh!
How unbelievably terrible," thereby adding to the hurt of the grieving parent.
An more appropriate response would be "I am sorry for your loss, may God
have mercy on us, may your child be numbered among His loved ones," to
avoid affirming and contributing to the Catastrophizing the parents display.
 Further,
catastrophic evaluations
frequently broadcast a lack of commitment
to Christ. As true followers of Christ,
Orthodox Christian parents must
understanding that God who freely gives
life also calls us all back to Him. No one
has the right to even a single breath not to
mention a set number of years of life.
 “When
I see Christians cry because their
fathers passed away, I am upset, for they
neither believe, nor understand that death
is simply a journey to a life of another kind.
Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt. Athos,
Greece. Holy Mountain Press.
• Let us glorify and worship Jesus, the
Word of God, Who, according to His
love, came to save us by His cross,
and is coming again to resurrect
Adam’s children in the great day
when His majesty shall shine forth.


All events, even tragic ones, have some meaning. God can
make all things new - even out of the worst tragedies
(Revelation 21:5). We have to trust in God and his purposes. It
falls on the priest to use spiritual as well as psychological
means to aid parents who are struggling with the meaning of
the death of their child.
For parents who are trying to master emotion management,
prayer, selected spiritual reading, and the holy mysteries have
to be the foundation of any psychological change. Parents are
called to experience God in their hearts. If God indwells in us,
all things are possible. The words of our Lord can motivate us
to learn the sometimes difficult task of emotional control: "With
men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
(Matthew 19:26).

The Blessed Orthodox Marriage
 HUMAN
LOVE IS INCORPORATED INTO
THE KINGDOM OF GOD- DIVINE LOVE
 ST. CLEMENT OF ALEXANDRIA:
“HOUSE OF GOD”: “I AM IN THE MIDST
OF THEM” [MT 18:20]
 MARRIAGE
IS THE IMAGE OF GOD’S
FAITHFUL LOVE FOR ISRAEL
 THE CROWNING:
JOY: THE COUPLE IN A SPIRIT OF LOVE IS UNITED
FOR ETERNITY; TRANSFORM THEMSELVES INTO
THE LIKENESS OF GOD BY EMMANUAL (GOD
WITH US) [IS 7:14] ‘DANCE AROUND THE GOSPEL
BOOK
MARTYRDOM: ENORMOUS SELF SACRIFICE: THE
COUPLE BECOME MARTYRS IN THEIR OWN
RIGHT: KENOSIS-THE SELF EMPTYING CHRIST
 The
Orthodox Wedding Ceremony. After
praying that the servant and handmaiden
be united by God, the priest continues:
“Unite them in one mind and one flesh,
and grant them fair children for education
in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the
awesome, transcendent God].
 By
their marriage Orthodox couple is
ordained so to speak or commissioned to
create an Orthodox home and family (The
Domestic Church). This is the vocation of
Orthodox marriage.
 ”.
The existence of a “home church” dating
from Apostolic times comes right from St.
Paul. In his instruction to the Romans (16:3,5)
he says: “Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow
workers in Christ Jesus, … greet also the
church in their house.” And to the Corinthians
(16:19) he says: “The churches of Asia send
greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the
church in their house, send you hearty
greetings in the Lord. “.
 This
requires that parents not only be
hearers of the Word, but also doers of the
Word. They must learn the way of God,
particularly His design for marriage and
family through study, prayer, being united
to His Church through obedience,
reception of its Holy Mysteries and practice
of the spiritual life.

Ideally, a true Orthodox Christian domestic church
in our day should look like (but is not limited to)
something like this: Jesus Christ is at the center or
hub. Husbands, and wives, as such, and as fathers
and mothers, should be the leaders of the "church
at home" in Christ's name. They should bless one
another and their children, bless the food which is
partaken, give thanksgiving for all that God has
provided (house, furnishings, etc.), thank God for
health and talents, and lead by the sanctity of their
conduct as well as their words.

No catechesis can take place without the full
deployment of the Domestic Church. The Orthodox
family home has to reflect in its entirety the
teachings of Christ and the application of these
teachings as understood by His Church in the
world today. Formal parish catechetical lessons
usually at best may last 45 minutes to 1 hour a
week. The number of hours in an entire week is
168 hours. Considering of the importance of
models in shaping behavior, how much impact can
a 1 hour Church School have when it is not
reflected in the family lifestyle during the other 167
hours comprising the week?
 It
all begins with pre-marital counseling
 Evaluation of
• Commitment
• Loyalty
• Moral values
• Sexual intimacy
• Importance of the God, the teachings of Christ
and His Church
• Romance
• Companionship
• Forgiveness
• Trust
• Respect
• Sensitivity
• Sex-Gender roles
• Physical attractiveness
• Sexual faithfulness
• Faithfulness during times of trial and tribulations
 “As
I turned my attention to the problems
of couples, I found that they showed the
same kind of thinking aberrations—
cognitive distortions—as my depressed
and anxious patients…they were unhappy,
tense and angry…they tended to fixate on
what was wrong with their marriages and
disregard—or blind themselves to—what
was good.” Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper & Rowe
 Romantic
Love
 Togetherness
 Romantic Fulfillment
 Fear of Being Alone
 Rejection Phobia
 Inclusion
 Trapped
 Perfectionism
 Disapproval
 Permission
Seeking
 Domination/Submission
 Pleasing Others
 Anti-Negotiation
 ENTITLEMENT
 RECIPROCITY
 NAGGING
 Help Addiction
 Superman/Superwoman
 Achievement
 Romantic
Personalization
 Parental Personalization
 Conflict Phobia
 Justice
 Coercion
 Hopelessness/Helplessness
 Ultimatum
 Disclosure Demand
 Truth
 Sameness
 Disclosure
Phobia
 Mind-Reading
THE
UNHOLY TRINITY:
• ENTITLEMENT
• RECIPROCITY
• NAGGING
 You
feel you deserve love, happiness,
respect, because of your “title” (motherfather/husband-wife) and when people do
not live up to your expectations you have
the right to feel angry and taken advantage
of.
 Antidote: Preferences based on love and
people’s freedom
 You
feel you have the right to have others
do for you if you have done something for
them even if they never agreed or even
knew about it ---a unilateral contract
 Antidote: be upfront tell people what you
want if you want them to do something for
you before you do something
 You
feel expressing persistent reminders is
the best way to get others to do what you
want – people in order to maintain control
over their lives will frequently do the
opposite of what you want
 Antidote: After a single preplanned cue,
giving people freedom to be part of the
decision making process regarding their
own behavior.

The "Preference Scale" is a tool I developed
years ago in my clinical and pastoral practice to
help couples negotiate the conflicts and
collaborate on the problems that marriage
inevitably imposes. This tool can foster effective
communication and eventual compromise
between husband and wife. The clinician,
chaplain, or pastor can help a couple master the
tool, particularly in terms of "debriefing," where
the couple develops a deeper understanding of
previous conflicts that helps them learn how to
handle future conflicts in more constructive
ways.
 The

scale runs from +10 down to -10:
+10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10
 On
the plus side of the scale activities or events
that a spouse likes are rated; the greater the like,
the higher the positive number. On the minus
side activities or events that are disliked are
rated; the greater the dislike, the higher the
negative number.
.
Morelli, G. (2007, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The "Preference Scale" - A tool
for Communication, Negotiation and Collaboration. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php

Staying focused involves each spouse
understanding the core view or the other and not
focusing on tangential issues.

Case Study Presenting Problem:
• Several years ago I counseled a couple that was unhappy,
particularly the wife who initiated the counseling. She
described the source of the unhappiness in her marriage as
her "husband's obsession with golf." She indicated that he
played golf every chance he got and that when he got
home he was so tired he had no energy for anything else.
She "hated" his golf friends and blamed them for her
husband's "obsession."

In many marriages, the targets of this type of misfocus include, friends, family, work, recreational activities,
even church. This is not to say that these areas may not be a
problem. For example, if a husband has a friend who
influences him to frequent an adult lounge after work, his wife
would correctly assess that this is not an appropriate
friendship for her husband in terms of strengthening their
marital bond. The moral orientation of this friend is a large
problem, so much so that the friend would be seriously
detrimental to a marriage in Christ. The wife would deal with
this problem in terms of the debasing nature of the
entertainment, as well as the detrimental influence of the
friend on her husband. In situations other than these however,
it is important to communicate only her real needs or desires
in their relationship.



If a couple really believes that love is no more than experiencing
their love initial attractions over and over again, then when those
feelings subside (and they will), they tend to believe that the value of
their marriage has declined as well.
When the idea takes hold, the couple becomes susceptible to
feelings that undermine deeper commitment. Disappointment
ensues, and the couple may find it increasingly difficult to enjoy
activities together. Sometimes anger arises leading to more conflict
and even greater disappointment. Sooner or later one or both of the
spouses concludes that the love is gone and the marriage is over.
Researcher Aaron Beck (1988) described this corruptive cycle:
“There are several kinds of expectations that operate at different
stages of a marriage. The early, romantic expectations concern
loving and being loved -- continuously. One of life's cruel deceptions
is the myth that the intense idealization and infatuation that draw a
couple together will guarantee a loving relationship over the years.”

In some marital relationships, however,
togetherness is not defined as a union of one flesh
in Christ. Instead, the partners believe that marital
happiness and satisfaction are acquired through
an "incestuous sameness" They believe that a
marriage flourishes and that a sense of personal
worth and values occurs only through experiencing
an intense love by their partner of their identical
interests, enjoyments, and pursuits. They have in
mind not just an ordinary caring and love, but a
notion of caring, affection and togetherness that
has a desperate character to it.


Alongside this view of "desperate caring" is the belief that
being alone is distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful
(phobia). Persons holding such conceptions and experiencing
the accompanying emotions play a game with those around
them. If they think their spouse has intense love for them and
shares their interests, they are happy. If they think their
spouse's love is not intense enough or has different interests,
they view themselves as not worthwhile. Feelings of self-worth
sail back and forth. They want the marriage to continue
because being alone engenders anxiety and fear. Activities in
marriage involve collaboration.
Antidote: Restructured Cognition: “It would be nice if my
spouse enjoyed a particular activity, but I can still enjoy myself
without my spouse's participation."



An individual with rejection phobia would likely feel that
because they were rejected in some way by their spouse they
were personally 'defective.' This dysfunctional attitude is
frequently accompanied by the perception that if they are
rejected by their spouse, they will also be rejected by other
significant persons in their lives, or by others that could be
significant to them in the future.
This perception is unrealistic, and is actually based on several
cognitive distortions. These cognitive errors often lead to
further emotional problems such as anger, anxiety and or
depression, which can contribute to further martial
dysfunction.
Antidote: Recognition of faulty thinking. There is no verified
information about what others are thinking or feeling. Some
may find him or her very worthy.
A reaction of the spouse who demands Desperate
Togetherness. The husband (or wife) feels
trapped; the partner is manipulating and controlling
them in ways that prevent him from freely giving
their love to each other. There is a feeling that they
must be available whenever their spouse wants.
 Spousal obligations are not met. Both may feel
victimized and trapped. The spouse who feels
trapped in a definition of love imposed by the
spouse experiences feelings of deprivation and
oppression.


The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a
"prison inmate" in this way: "You know when you
tell me I don't love you unless I do something your
way (then give a behavioral example), I feel
trapped. I love you and sometimes I want to be
able to express and show you in ways I really feel.
I want to show you I love you in ways and at the
times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when
you expect and demand me to do it all the time.
Maybe we can talk about how to share our love
expressions, and the times we spend together in
ways that fit both our desires."
DISTINGUISHING “BEING PERFECT” FROM
“PERFECTIONISM”:
 The holy spiritual Fathers of the Church were focused
on perfection. This is so well illustrated in the subtitle of
Book I of St. Gregory of Nyssa's Life of Moses (1978).
The subtitle of Book I is: "Concerning the Perfection In
Virtue."
 Christian perfection is not limited to the individual and
their relation to God and neighbor but to the marital
relationship itself. One of the petitions of the opening
Ektenia or litany of the Betrothal Service prays "[God]
will send down upon them perfect and peaceful love,
and His help, let us pray to the Lord."



“Perfectionism" is viewed as a cognitive-emotional aberration
by mental health clinicians and researchers. The Holy Church
Fathers were realistic in their understanding of Christ's words.
For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken
into account. God is infinite and humans are finite. God is
boundless and endless, humans are always in process.
Human existence will always be the ascent of a ladder, an
ascent that never reaches the top. Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev tells
us: "..this ascent is endless, as its aim is the unbounded
God.." quoting St. Isaac: "The limit of this journey is so truly
unattainable that even the saints are found wanting with
respect to the perfection of wisdom, because there is no end
to wisdom's journey. Wisdom ascends even till this : until she
unites with God ... And this is the sign that the insights of
wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God Himself.” Alfeyev, Bishop
Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian
Publications.


It is in this spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage,
both of oneself as a spouse and of the spousal behavior of the other,
should be formed. It is important to keep in mind and to apply this
marital ektenia petition of St. John of the Ladder, (1982) who said:
"Love, by its nature, is a resemblance to God, insofar as this
is humanly possible" [emphasis mine]. We have to remember we are
human.
This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to
focus on the good will, intention and striving for perfection in
marriage. A perfect and peaceful love in marriage would conform to
St. Paul's so well known description of love as he told the
Corinthians: "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not
irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the
right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never ends; (1 Cor 13: 4-8).


The range in which to practice imperfection tolerance is in the -1
to -5 range. Behaviors or performances below this range -6 to -10
are possibly serious problems that should be dealt with by more
invasive psychological procedures .
Examples of behaviors most often reported by couples that are
most amenable to intervention developing imperfection
tolerance in the -1 to -5 range usually involve typical everyday
differences in lifestyle and behavior in marriages that all spouses
confront: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dropping laundry on the
floor, leaving the toothpaste tube uncapped, over or undercooking
a dinner dish, missing an appointment, being late from work or
chore, forgetting a birthday or other celebration, forgetting to pick
up an item in the store, etc.

Some behaviors are beyond imperfection
tolerance. These behaviors would rate in the
extreme minus range. All have to be dealt with
immediately, firmly and with interventions
appropriate to the seriousness of the behavior.
Adultery would be an example of a behavior that is
not to be tolerated and requires immediate spiritual
and psychological intervention. Consultation with
one's spiritual father or mother, parish priest and
scientifically trained and licensed mental health
practitioner is necessary. Prayer and the Holy
Mysteries of the Church will be the foundation of
any spiritual intervention.





There is another category of spousal behaviors that is
beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors fall into the
category of extreme abuse. This abuse behavior is seriously
sinful and immoral and would certainly be considered illegal in
most Western governmental jurisdictions. Abuse falls into four
categories:
Physical, (hitting, battering, spanking, etc.);
Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate touching, glancing,
language etc.);
Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms "You
idiot, looser" [actually mild, often far worse words or phrases);
Neglect (legally denying food, shelter, education, or necessary
care).

Immediate protection from the abuse must be
enacted. This may mean physical separation. All
laws relating to abuse must be followed, including
reporting to the proper law enforcement agencies.
As some of these extreme abuse behaviors are
illegal, it should be noted arrest and incarceration
of the abuser after juridical procedures would
result. Medical and psychological treatment should
be considered and employed as appropriate.
Medical and psychological consultation is a
necessity in such circumstances. [Morelli, G. (2005c, December,
04) Abuse: Some Pastoral and Clinical
Considerations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAbuse.php.]



A priest may be a mandatory reporter in some jurisdictions
(The Seal of Confession is excluded)
If an abuser approaches the priest for the Holy Mystery of
Confession. Sometimes it can be anticipated what the person
is about to say. Many times others in a parish may know
something and word has gotten back to the priest hinting at
some serious family trouble. Often a priest can "intuit" the
problem through the spiritual gift of discernment.
In such a case I would inform the 'alleged' abuser you cannot
hear his/her confession at this time. The upcoming discussion
will not be a confession (thus not under the seal) on a given
disclosure. If it can be sensed by the priest that abuse is
occurring. All mandatory reporting laws have to be followed.
If the abuser comes to the priest, the priest must
attempt to convince the abuser to accept the fact
that they have as serious problem and must seek
the help that is needed and if illegal activity is
occurring to report to the legal authorities.
 Clergy also have to do all they can to intervene to
protect potential victims. This may include referral
to appropriate emergency psychological care. In
the most serious cases such as a credible death
threat, an immediate call to police and/or
emergency services would be warranted.

 Bad
self-esteem is a type of narcissism (or
self worship). St. Paul told the Philippians:
"Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in
humility count others better than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own
interests, but also to the interests of others"
(Philippians 2:3-4). The Church Fathers warn
against the bad self-esteem using the Greek
term kenodoxia where keno means esteem
that is empty, vain, hollow, groundless,
deluded and doxa means glory, praise.

“Self-esteem" means a true and honest appraisal of
both one's strengths and weaknesses, particularly in
reality-based therapies. We see here an inversion of
meaning where good self-esteem is close to the
patristic definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos
taught that, "The humble person must possess every
virtue...the signs of humility: when one possessing
every virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be
the more a debtor to God ... because one has received
so much by grace." Centuries earlier, St. Isaac the
Syrian wrote: "The person who has attained to
knowledge of his own weakness has reached the
summit of humility" [Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian.
Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation; Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.).
(1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St.
Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]

In terms of the marital (or any) relationship,
continuously changing one's self-appraisal
(whether virtuous or weak) based on the opinion of
others leads to grave instability. It leaves a person
with so sense of grounding and stability and makes
him vulnerable to manipulation by others. It can
lead to a subservience to others that allow a
person to be controlled in ways that lead to
inappropriate and even sinful behaviors. When a
person has a recurring pattern of adopting the
opinions of others in their evaluation of himself,
depression and loss of self-respect are frequently
the result.
 One
characteristic of individuals who have
an exaggerated need for approval
is evaluation sensitivity. They are
constantly monitoring the speech, speech
pragmatics and body language of their
spouses (or others around them) for either
their approval or disapproval.

One can commence a questioning process as to
whether the approval of one's spouse is of absolute
necessity. This is an important question. It really
means asking if it is necessary for life itself, like the
critical necessity of air to sustain life. One way of
preparing an answer is to pose the question: “How did
you think and feel about yourself before you knew your
spouse?” Most individuals would answer that they did
at some point not see the approval of their significant
other as critical in this sense. They were living
life without spousal approval. On the other hand, at no
point were they living without breathing air. Thus, while
spousal approval may be desirable, it is not absolutely
necessary.

It is important to recall our Lord's words: "How can you
believe, who receive glory from one another and do not
seek the glory that comes from the only God?" (John 5:
44). Our holy spiritual fathers of the Church did not use
the words "approval" or "recognition" but rather termed
it philodoxia or love of praise, warning against it as a
spiritual danger. St. Theodoros the Great Ascetic taught:
"...love of praise banish[es] remembrance of God from
the soul. ..And when remembrance of God is absent,
there is a tumult of the passions within us" [Philokalia II]The
good saint said that from love of praise would arise a
"great swarm of all manner of evil." It influences our
moral judgment which involves "scrupulous
discrimination between good and evil; and this involves
sound moral judgment."

We must continually reorient our life goals in terms of the
one and only real necessity. St. Paul told the Romans
what this is: "To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to
set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans
8:6). It is the Spirit that is necessary for life, not approval
from others, not even from one’s spouse. Rather, the
spouses must seek the Spirit together as one flesh. To
accomplish this they have to adopt the mind of doing
things as "as one flesh;" so that by glorifying and praising
God together, in turn His grace will fall on them as "united
in one flesh," not in competition with each other, but in
blessed union. The good race St. Paul spoke of is not
only a sprint run by the solitary runner, but also the relay
race of marriage. In this way both, in union with each
other, achieve esteem in Christ.


Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) considered
this "need" as one of the major "irrational beliefs triggering
emotional dysfunction," he discovered in his clinical research.
He defined this irrational cognition as: "The idea that one
should be dependent on others and needs someone stronger
than oneself on whom to rely." Ellis pointed out "freedom and
independence are endorsed in our society."
This kind of psychological reliance on another person as an
absolute support is considered far off from what is true and
necessary for a stable and healthy self-identity. While intercooperation and collaboration between people in our complex
society facilitates functioning like communication, the
production of good and services, transportation, and so forth,
it is irrational to maximize this interdependency by forfeiting to
others the choices that are properly befitting to oneself. [Ellis, A.
(1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.]
At first glance it may appear that the holy Spiritual
Fathers of the Church have little to say
on overdependency -- an important constituent in
marital discord discovered by researchers studying
the interpersonal dynamics of marriage. A closer
look at the teachings of the Fathers however,
reveals deep intuitions about human nature and
relationships that penetrate this type of marital
dysfunction.
 For example, St. Thalassios told us: "Our Lord
Jesus has given light to all men, but those who do
not trust in Him bring darkness upon themselves"

[Philokalia II]

People with overdependency feel anxious and
nervous about making decisions on their own. They
feel safe when others make decisions for them.
Behaviorally they appear helpless and submissive.
Spouses with overdependency frequently ask their
partner for reassurance regarding the choices they are
making about current actions and possible future
goals. Frequently they feel more secure following their
partners' choices than any they could make on their
own and can include every day activities such as
recreation and meals or life goals such as occupation
and employment. This could be viewed as living in
"darkness,” as St. Thalassios told us.

Cognitive Restructuring: The dependent spouse may
ask himself for "proof or evidence" of this irrational
need. Alternatives may be explored. In this case,
asking themselves (aided by a licensed, trained mental
health practitioner if necessary): "Was there ever a
time in which you were not with your spouse and made
your own decision about something?" can be helpful. I
have found that patients will first focus on some poor
decisions they made in the past, but with persistence a
great number of good decisions can be uncovered.
Then, clinically - or pastorally - I ask the patient what
they can learn from this new information and
interpretation.




Dependency is a characteristic of children. Independence (conforming to
God's Will) is a characteristic of Christian adulthood. This echoes the
observation by St. Paul: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought
like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish
ways" (1 Cor. 13: 11).
St. John of the Ladder: On Unmanly Fears
Step 21 of the Ladder of Divine Ascent, is titled: On Unmanly Cowardness.
He describes " ... a childish behavior within a soul advanced in years ... it is
a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the unexpected."
The inspired Holy Father pointed out "(F)ear is danger tasted in advance, a
quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of
assurance." We will all go before the "dread judgment seat of Christ" as
individuals. Our accountability before Christ is an individual accountability.
As St. Paul taught: "So each of us shall give account of himself to God"
(Romans 14:12). I cannot imagine Our Lord being pleased with an
overdependent spouse going before Him and saying "I couldn't decide for
myself which was good or bad, right or wrong, I was afraid to make my own
decisions so I let my husband (wife) make my decisions for me."

Some married couples feel their spouse should
spontaneously know and sense what they want and/or
need. They may feel that to have to communicate is a
sign of a lack of love. In fact it is quite the opposite — not
communicating broadcasts a lack of love. In the example
of Our Lord, early in his ministry he spoke in parables to
those who were "hard of heart." St. Luke comments on
the reason why Jesus did not speak, that is,
communicate clearly: "But they did not understand this
saying, and it was concealed from them, that they should
not perceive it…" (Lk 9: 45). But for those whom He
loves, because they love Him Jesus says: "…the hour is
coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but
tell you plainly of the Father" (Jn 16: 25).

A wife may tell her husband, "I want you to be a better
husband." Or she may say, "I want you to pay more attention
to me." Alternatively, a husband may say to his wife: "I wish
you would be more caring," or "I sure wish you would be a
better housekeeper." These are abstract, meaningless
requests (similar to how Jesus spoke "in figures" to those who
did not love Him). Abstraction is the mother of ambiguity,
which in turn is the mother of multiple interpretations, which in
turn is the mother of discord. They keep hurling the abstract
words back and forth at each other. Couples who find
themselves in "abstract" (or no) communication often come to
perceive the other as selfish and even evil. The
misunderstood spouse tends to feel angry, deprived,
depressed and or frustrated. Sometimes labeling, or namecalling arguments follow. Alternatively stonewalling, shutting
the other out, then a veritable marital cold war ensues.

Behavioral Pinpointing: In the above example, in place of
the abstract communication, the wife might say to her
husband, "Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour
before bedtime with you each evening alone together, and just
talk and hold each other. This would allow us to share what
happened during our day. I would feel much closer to you."
"Joe, you are off every other Saturday and sometimes just
tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch
with you for a couple hours and do something together." A
pinpointed statement the husband may say to his wife: "Sally,
I'll empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes every
evening, I really don't like dishes piling up in the sink. I would
really appreciate if you would rinse them and put them in the
dishwasher right after dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs
and that is a real turnoff."

The married should be advised that they endure
with mutual patience those things that bring
displeasure and that they exhort [negotiate] one
another to salvation. For it is written" "Mutually
bear one another's burdens and you will fulfill the
law of Christ." [Gal 6:2]. For the law of Christ is
charity…Therefore, by imitation, we complete the
law of Christ when we kindly confer good things to
others and sustain the evil actions of others. For
the married should be advised, then, they not
worry themselves so much on what they must
endure from their spouse but consider what their
spouse must endure on account of them. [St. Gregory the
Great. (2007). The Book of Pastoral Rule. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.]

For Orthodox Christians, help is a problematic
concept. As an abstract construct help is
ambiguous and open to multiple interpretations.
The American Heritage Dictionary (1994) defines
help as "to give assistance to." This definition
lacks, however, an interpretation of the effect
of help on others, as well as the motive for giving
assistance, to name two important criteria. The
scriptural, patristic and spiritual dimensions of help,
offering a rich matrix for behavioral evaluation.
Consider some examples of what has been
called help that may occur in family situations.
 Example
I. A newborn infant has soiled
itself and the baby's parents help by
changing the dirty diaper and cleaning
their infant.
 Example II. A real help problem brought to
me in counseling several years ago: A
physically and psychologically healthy 7year old is helped by his mother to wipe
himself after toileting.
Example I. A 2-year old is thirsty and asks his
mother's help to get him some juice from the top
shelf of the refrigerator which is out of his reach.
 Example II. Another veridical family interaction: A
mother, 16-year old son and 13-year old daughter
are in the upstairs family room watching television.
The daughter asks her mother: "what snacks are in
the kitchen cabinet?" The mother helps by going
down and reporting back to her daughter. The
teenage girl then tells her mother which snack she
wants and her mother goes back to the kitchen to
retrieve the snack she wants and brings it back to
her daughter.



Example I. A working couple has a school-age child who
needs a ride home after a school event. The child's mother is
extremely stressed and tired after a grueling day at work. She
would have to go out of her way and be stuck in traffic to pick
their child up. The father, who had the day off, is quite relaxed
sitting around the house and playing videos. The wife calls her
husband and asks him to pick up their son.
Example II. A working couple has a school-age child who
needs a ride home after a school event. The child's mother is
extremely stressed after a grueling day at work. The father
had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and
is playing videos. She thinks calling her husband would be
inappropriate. He would be displeased and she would not be
fulfilling her obligation as wife and mother. Tired and stressed
as she is, she heads toward the child's school, in traffic jams,
for the pickup.
A
husband helping his wife who is eager to
learn household financing ‘herself’ by
doing all the domestic bookkeeping
‘himself.’
 A wife who insists on helping her husband,
who really enjoys cooking, to help the
marriage by ‘not’ allowing him in the
kitchen.
 A husband who helps his wife by picking
out the clothes she buys and wears.

Mindless helping broadcasts a psychological need to nurture.
In part this may be related to a mindset of the spouse that
unless helping they are not living up to their marital and/or
parental obligations. This behavior takes on compulsive
qualities so that if nurturing or giving care is impeded, anxiety,
guilt or dejection is elicited. Each time mindless helping occurs
the doers' behavior is rewarded (negative reinforcement of
inappropriate behavior) by the attenuated dysfunctional
emotion. And the repetition of mindless helping behaviors
strengthens the behaviors, thus making the inappropriate
behavior more likely to occur in the future. On the other hand,
the recipient of mindless helping is rewarded for dependency
on others (Positive reinforcement of inappropriate behavior).
Dependent individuals are also not provided with the
opportunity to learn functional behaviors that they are capable
of learning

If it is for the good and welfare of self and others, physically,
psychologically and spiritually, then it is Godly. If it brings
about harm to self and others it is wrong and un-Godly.
Spiritually, mindless helping stems from the passion of pride, a
mistaken understanding of the virtue of love, and not
recognizing that all family members have free will and thus
have responsibility for their own lives. St. John of the Ladder
(1982) tells us: "Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the
devil, contempt for men…. The proud man [male and female]
wants to be in charge of things." This is one of the features
of mindless helping. One member of the domestic church,
husband, wife, offspring , wants to be in charge of what they
think the other should be doing or not doing.

Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain describes the
deleterious effect of mindless helping on
contemporary youth: "In our days, many young
people have a strange attitude: they want to study
without attending school (they often participate in
school strikes, etc.), they want to have good
grades without studying hard, and they want their
graduation diplomas brought to them at the
cafeteria where they are sitting having fun." Such a
situation could only occur if the students are
rewarded for their laziness rather than held to
account for their studies.
 “The
judgment of man is one thing; the
judgment of God is another thing
altogether” (St. Dorotheos of Gaza) [Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed.,
trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings (Cistercian Studies Series, No 33).
Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.]

Spouses that are overly judgmental often feel hurt or
despondent when finding defects in their partners. They may
lash our verbally and become blaming and accusatory in their
interaction with their husband, wife or children. Frequently
they also forget the words of Christ as recorded by St.
Matthew (7:3): Why do you see the speck that is in your
brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own
eye?” This results in the perception of themselves as
blameless and the perception of their spouses as malevolent
and villainous. They frequently strike out with angry hurtful
accusations and criticisms. Not only does this put a wedge in
the marital relationship, but it misses the mark of acting in love
and bringing peace in the marital (and
parental) interrelationship

A increasing spiraling cycle of judgment and anger blinds them
to the irrationality of their demand for justice and it’s spiritually
damaging implications. They are inclined to tenaciously hold
on to their perception of the lack of fairness and justice in the
other’s behavior and persistently hold on to view that their
evaluation is the only correct judgment. They are inclined to
always make sure all is humanly fair in the marital relationship
and they have the right to be enforcers of this ‘fairness’.
Couples who hold on to the rigid inflexible stand that all
aspects of their marriage be totally fair, go to extremes and
demand exactitude in what the other does. Other destructive
demanding attitudes and maladaptive behaviors occur, leading
to marital discord often accompany the demand for human
justice.

In marital counseling: The wife had a ‘tit for tat’
view of her husband’s time. If a softball game
lasted a specific amount of time, she demanded it
was only fair that she have the exact same
amount of “free time” with her girl-friends to go
shopping. If he came home from work 10 minutes
late, she now also had the right to return from
some appointment 10 minutes late herself.
Couples with this dysfunctional belief do not see
anything unreasonable in holding this attitude. In
fact it is “only fair.” The are entrenched in selfrighteous vicious and rigid application of human
justice.
 Demanding
Expectations: Fairness is an
absolute necessity: A belief there is a
complete and unrestricted “right” for a rigid
fairness in social interactions, including
their spouse, children family and others.
 Overvaluation: If their standard of human
justice is not met by their loved ones, they
view it as catastrophic, as if to say more
than a 100% bad.

Individuals who maintain these cognitive distortions
must first see they are based on a system of selfcreated rules. There is no guarantee or universal law
that the world will be fair and just and that their
husband and/or wife, children and others will act in
accordance with their own determination of what is
justice. It behooves us to follow Godly rules for
social order and conform to God’s will to love Him
and others for our salvation. But it is still our choice,
mankind has free will and by cognitively
restructuring our expectations
from demands to preferences we are more likely to
be emotionally stable and act in a Godly manner.
 The
parable of the parable of the workers
in the Vineyard (Matthew 20: 1-16) is an
outstanding example of Our Lord Himself
patently rejecting human justice.

“The reason why we have both good and wicked
thoughts together is not, as some suppose, because
the Holy Spirit and the devil dwell together in our
intellect, but because we have not yet consciously
experienced the goodness of the Lord” (Philokalia I).
Our help in overcoming the imposition of our human
justice standards on spouses and children and all, is
to act in imitation of Christ Himself. To experience
His goodness, we work at overcoming our selfcenteredness, that is to say our pride. Once again,
this not to advise or condone wrongdoing by others,
but simply to recommend how we change our
perception of the way we anticipate and require
others to behave.
 The
coercion perception stumbling block is
the belief, attitude or cognition that if my
spouse persistently insists or even
recommends that I do something and I do it,
this indicates that they are in command and
control and I have lost out. If I should
capitulate to my spouse’s wishes this means I
am worthless in some way. The only way to
maintain my self-esteem and sense of self is
to never do anything anyone tells me to do,
that is to say, to do only what I have decided
to do entirely on my own.

Spiritually, this stonewalling of suggestions from
one’s spouse even when they could be helpful is
succumbing to the passion of pride. St. Maximus
the Confessor tells us: “The passion of pride arises
from two kinds of ignorance, and when these two
kinds of ignorance unite together they form a
single confused state of mind. For a man is proud
only if he is ignorant both of divine help and of
human weakness. Therefore pride is a lack of
knowledge both in the divine and human spheres.
For the denial of two true premises results in a
single false affirmation” (Philokalia II).
 English
language translations of word
“self-esteem” in the works of the holy
Fathers of the Church such as in the
Philokalia series, actually refers to what is
understood as ‘narcissism’ (a
psychological concept.): “A grandiose
sense of self importance (in fantasy or
behavior), need for admiration, lack of
empathy…” [Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric
Association . (1994) Washington DC.

Godly "self-esteem" means a true and honest
appraisal of both one's strengths and weaknesses. We
see here an inversion of meaning where good selfesteem is close to the patristic definition of humility.
English language translations of the works of the holy
Fathers of the Church such as in the Philokalia series,
it can be seen that it actually refers to what is
understood as narcissism taught that, "… the signs of
humility: when one possessing every virtue of body
and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor
to God ... because one has received so much by
grace" (Philokalia III). Centuries earlier St. Isaac the Syrian
wrote: "The person who has attained to knowledge of
his own weakness has reached the summit of humility."
(Brock, 1997).

“I will do things because I make the choice to do them,
not because someone, in this case my husband or
wife, tells me or does not tell me. If it is good for me
(especially Godly) then I will do it. My choice is
independent of anyone else’s perception. Just because
someone thinks they are controlling me doesn’t mean
they are. God and I know the truth. I will consider what
others say, but what they say will not be the basis of
what I do or do not do.” Interactions between husband
and wife will no longer be perceived as a “battle of wills
which someone has to win.” The husband or wife will
consider each encounter they have with one another
based on its own merits.

Ultimatums are the result of the dysfunctional cognition
known as Demanding Expectations: Beliefs that there
are laws or rules that must be always obeyed. A
spouses refusal to do their will makes them
“impossible to reason with.” They hold an irrational
belief that there is a universal law that spouses, and or
children, should always do what they tell them to do.
And they better come through with a big “proof” that
the spouse-parent is appreciated. If others don't
comply with their ultimatum, they consider that they
have the right to get very upset. Setting ultimatums, by
self-assured, peremptory declarative tone of voice
and by assumption of unwarranted power, becomes a
way of manipulating others to get one’s own way.

Avoiding the ultimatum manipulation does not apply in
situations involving serious, ongoing and intractable
moral issues or behavior patterns that are a clear and
present danger to a spouse and/or family members.
For example, in situations in which a spouse is living,
and is committed to live, a polygamous-adulterous
lifestyle (e.g., an open marriage), or in which a spouse
who commits physical, sexual and/or psychological
abuse as defined by law and does not commit to
seeking immediate treatment; in such situations the
spouses would be candidates to be given an
ultimatum: begin immediate treatment or separation
and, if appropriate, that legal action will be taken (as
noted above).

Moral lapses (such as adultery and substance
abuse, etc.) require guidance and discernment.
Such moral lapses do not have to result in
termination of a marriage. Husbands and wives
can learn from their failures and can even make
their relationships stronger. They can work at
demonstrating their re-commitment to one another.
One way of accomplishing this would be for the
spouse who was unfaithful to be completely open
about the details of their daily lives and, in turn, for
the aggrieved spouse to work at developing trust

To restructure irrational cognitions into rational
cognitions, the individuals issuing ultimatums might
ask themselves: “what law in the universe states
that others will respond to their peremptory
demands?” Careful reflection will reveal that no
such “law” exists—it is a ‘self-made law’. Some
may try to justify their demanding expectations
because they perceive that they are entitled to hold
them because of some ‘title’ they have. But
applying the same question to entitlement will
reveal that there is no law in the universe that says
people will comply with the title-holder because of
their title.

St. John of the Ladder tells us: “Pride is denial of God,
an invention of the devil, the despising of men...” He
goes on to detail the application of pride when dealing
with others, such as in making ultimatums. “The
consummation of vainglory is the beginning of pride;
the middle is the humiliation of our neighbor [as used
here: spouse-children], . . . the extolling of one’s own
exertions, fiendish character.” What better spiritual
description of the person who uses ultimatum in
manipulation of others, which I described previously as
“magisterial,” than St. John’s observation that “An
arrogant man yearns after authority.”

St Isaac of Syria speaks of humility as “. . . the raiment of the
Godhead. The Word who became human clothed Himself in it...
Everyone who has been clothed with humility has been made like
unto Him who came down from His own exaltedness and hid the
splendor of His majesty and concealed His glory with humility...”
Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev (2000) informs us how we can put
this into practice, that is to say, the way to attain it: “Humility is
primarily an inner quality. It consists in trust in God, absence of
hope in one’s self, the sense of one’s own unworthiness and
defenselessness . . .in the depths of the heart . . . it [also] reveals
itself outwardly . . .in giving honor to others [and] enduring
offenses and afflictions.” For those who issue ultimatums to their
loved ones, interiorizing humility into their hearts and then
practicing humility in their thoughts, words and deeds toward
others would be a powerful spiritual treatment.
 Even
a casual reading of Jesus’ encounters
with others in the Scriptures shows that He
did not demand anyone disclose their
thoughts and feelings to Him. We could say
that He had respect for mankind's free will, for
those creatures which He made in His image
and called to be like Him. He would ask a
question, but never demand an answer. He
counseled, but never forced compliance. He
read the hearts and minds of many, but never
coerced anyone to tell Him what came from
their heart, against their will.
 The
rich young man (Mt 19: 16-22)
 The woman caught in adultery (Jn 8 1-11)
 The Samaritan woman (who
spontaneously discloses her marital state)
Jn 4: 17-19

Compare the words and actions of Jesus to the
dysfunctional demands some marital couples in
troubled relationships make on each other. A
husband or wife could hold to the attitude, “If my
spouse truly loves me, they would be willing to talk
about most anything that bothers them." Or think
over this non-adaptive belief: "If my husband, or
wife, refuses to tell me what they are really feeling
and thinking it shows they don't love and respect
me." In many troubled marriages this attitudes is in
the back of the mind of either (or both) husband
and wife.
 "If
you want, or rather intend, to take a
splinter out of another person [in this case
demanding disclosure], then do not hack at
it with a stick instead of a lancet, for you
will only drove it in deeper. And this is a
stick — rude speech and rough gestures.
And this is a lancet — tempered
instructions and patient reprimand.“ St.
John of the Ladder

When Abba Serapion was a young monk he would steal some
extra food from the refectory table. He never disclosed this
failure to his spiritual father, but more importantly, his Spiritual
Father never confronted the young Abba and demanded
disclosure of his stealing. However, the Elder communicated
the importance of disclosure in a non-confrontational manner
by allowing Abba Serapion to hear his conversation with some
other monks. St. John Cassian recounts: "But through God's
love it happened that certain brethren came to the old man for
advice and asked him about their thoughts. The elder replied
that nothing so harms a monk and brings such joy to the
demons as the hiding of one's thoughts from one's spiritual
father. . . .As this was being said I came to myself. . . casting
myself to the ground I begged his forgiveness for my past
faults and his prayers for my future safety.“ [Philokalia I]

Disclosure can be appropriate and useful. However, even in
such situations the value and decision to disclose must be
perceived by the disclosing individual. The spouse desiring
such disclosure also has to overcome any disclosure
demandingness as discussed above,
psychologically preferring disclosure and spiritually celebrating
their spouse’s free will. This has to be communicated in a nonjudgmental, inviting tone. Helping one's spouse in overcoming
disclosure phobia would be greatly enhanced by interiorizing
the words of St. Paul. "Put on then, as God's chosen ones,
holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness,
meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one
has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the
Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (Colossians
3: 12-13). At times disclosure proceeds in small steps.
 Reflect
on the Holy Spirit-inspired wisdom of
St. John of Gaza (c. 525 AD). Chryssavgis
2003, records a question he entitles "On
concealing truth partially" posed to the saint:
"If I do something against my brother and he
grieves upon hearing about it, is it perhaps a
good thing to hide the truth from him in order
to stop the grief? Or is it better to admit my
fault and ask forgiveness?" The principles of
St. John of Gaza's answer can be applied to a
wide variety of life circumstances. [Chryssavgis, J.
(2003). Letters from the desert: Barsanuphius and John: A selection of questions and
responses. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press.]



If he has clearly learned about it, and you know that the matter
will be examined and revealed, then tell him the truth and ask
for his forgiveness. For lying will only further provoke him.
However, if he has not learned about it and will not examine
the matter, then it is not improper to keep silent and not give
occasion to grief.
For when the Prophet Samuel was sent to anoint David as
king, he was also going to offer sacrifice to God. Yet, because
he was afraid lest Saul learn about this, God said to him:
"Take a heifer with you; and if the king asks you: 'Why did you
come here?' tell him:' I have come to sacrifice to the Lord'"
(1Sam 16:2). In this way, by concealing one thing, which
brought the wrath of the king, he only revealed the other.
You too, then, should be silent about that which causes grief,
and the problem will pass.
 Even
our Holy Church Fathers have noted the
healing value in disclosure (confession), and
thus would promote overcoming any barriers
to revealing one's heart or overcoming
disclosure phobia. St. Isaac the Syrian,
(Wensinck, 1923) encapsulates the benefits
of disclosure: "The sick one who is
acquainted with his sickness is easily cured;
and he who confesses his pain is near to
health. Many are the pains of the hard
heart...."
 One
benefit is that by sharing experiences,
perceptions and feelings spouses can
come to know one another better and
reduce conflict. Through shared
understanding of one another they may
come to understand the viewpoint of the
other. Each individual sees the world from
their own perspective and many make the
mistake of thinking others see the world
the same way they do.


Over the years, pastorally and clinically, I have observed that when
individuals are upset about something, or about what someone
around them has said or done, I have recommended that they just
inform the other person of their unfavorable feelings about what the
person said or did. At times the person being counseled will object
saying, "what is the difference, they will do what they want to do
anyhow." I point out, "this may be true, but try it out. Just expressing
how you feel, at least you know that you have done what you can. It
is now the other person's responsibility to respond." The
overwhelming number of individuals I have counseled to simply
perform this communication task, expecting nothing, experienced a
calming effect on their own emotional state. Just expressing
displeasure has an ameliorative effect.
Interestingly, although not directly related to marital relationships,
psychologists have found improved emotional states among
individuals who have disclosed troubling events.


In research initiated by James Pennebaker (1997, 2004).
Subjects were engaged over a several day period in
expressive writing exercises about traumatic or stressful
incidents they had experienced. In the prototypic experiment
subjects wrote 20 minutes a day over a four day period. The
experimental group were instructed to write about their
"deepest thoughts and feelings concerning trauma;" the other
group were instructed to write about superficial topics.
Pennebaker's team found increased immune function in the
experimental group (measuring blood T-lymphocytes which
produce bacteria and virus fighting antibodies). The
experimental subjects also had decreased visits to their local
health care centers. Subsequent research by Pennebaker and
his team has studied disclosure among various groups of
subjects. [Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotion. NY :Guilford Press.
Pennebaker, J. W. (2004). Writing to heal: A guided journal for recovering from trauma and emotional upheaval. Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger Publications.]

Pennebaker (1997) discusses spousal disclosure in
terms of dealing with grief. He notes that "grieving
styles” differ between husbands and wives, and when
this takes place problems often arise. One "disclosing”
spouse may be inclined to interpret the quiet spouse
as uncaring or insensitive. On the other hand, the
withdrawn spouse may feel his/her partner does not
understand their intense emotions. This can be noted
in the mindreading tendency in the Arbitrary
Inference cognitive distortion noted above. The
distortion challenging could be employed in aiding
understanding of each other, both to avoid demanding
disclosure and to facilitate willingness to share
feelings.

A spouse who has grown up in what might
be termed a “full disclosure” family, with
the expectation and a practice of
disclosure, can feel “shut out” even
“emotionally abandoned” by the withdrawn
spouse – feelings strong enough to carry
them beyond the reasonableness of
challenging cognitive distortions. A good
pre-marital topic discussion.

There is so much in the teachings of Christ and His
Church, that if one is committed to be a follower of
Christ that one of the major virtues that would be
nurtured would be a firm commitment to truth.
Consider the approbative words Jesus told the
Samaritan woman: "But the hour is coming, and
now is, when the true worshipers will worship the
Father in spirit and truth, for such the Father seeks
to worship him." (Jn 4: 23) St. John (8: 22) records
Jesus very strong assertion: "...you will know
the truth, and the truth will make you free."


St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II) regards truth as
equivalent and linked to divine knowledge: "Truth is divine
knowledge, and virtue the struggles for truth on the part of
those who desire it." St. Maximus uses strong words to convey
the ubiquity and demand character of truth. He tells us: "Real
faith is truth which is all-embracing, all-sustaining and free
from all falsehood." Furthermore, to emphasize being truthful
St. Gregory of Sinai (Philokalia IV) points out it is not enough
to study truth such as in an academic discipline one has to live
it:
“To try to discover the meaning of the commandments through
study and reading without actually living in accordance with
them is like mistaking the shadow of something for it reality. It
is only by participating in the truth that you can share in the
meaning of truth.”

The marriage and family breaker is not truth itself however. It
is how truth is insisted upon and forced on spouse or
offspring. It is when truth is obnoxiously imposed on, that is to
say, when it is arrogant and rude. It is the pragmatics of the
communication interaction between husband, wife and
children which is the family problem. It is the insistence that
one's point of view is not only true, but must be adopted by the
other, simply because it is true. It is offensively asserting on
one's truth over the other's viewpoint and demanding they
acquiesce to your viewpoint. It is the continual demand that
your spouse or children acknowledge your viewpoint and
admit they were and are wrong. In disagreements, it is the
attitude held is that your spouse and children should
acknowledge and submit to 'truth as you see it.'

Research suggests that if something is said in an angry or
mean tone, it is the tone rather than the words which carry the
message. If a mothers "tone." is strident and angry for
example, this is what her husband and children would hear.
They most likely would respond emotionally, perhaps
experience some anger, hurt or confusion, and would likely
infer the mother was ‘mean.’ They will likely close themselves
off to any forthcoming messages. Interestingly, I have found
the most consistent complaint children have about their
parents is that they speak "meanly" to them. If the content of
the 'truth' one is insisting on is of a spiritual nature, one's
opponent, spouse or child may in fact, stubbornly resist,
simply to retain some sense of self-worth. I have previously
emphasized that learning is much more effective when
"discovered" by the learner than being forced by some
"teacher."

One of the descriptions of Pride given by St. John
Climacus in his Ladder of Divine Ascent is that it is
"the mother of condemnation [and] a source of
anger." This is exactly what obnoxiously insisting
on imposing one's truth on others is (even if
correct according to Christ's teaching). The
seriousness of Pride, the passion that leads to
insisting others conform to one's view point can be
seen in this dramatic metaphor of St. John: "Pride
is utter penury of soul, under the illusion of wealth,
imagining light in its darkness. The foul passion not
only blocks our advance, but even hurls us down
from the heights."

One method of effective communication is related
to the psychological communication skill of
assertiveness. (Morelli 2006). Assertiveness is
defined as an honest communication of real
feelings in a socially acceptable way; that is to say
not mean-spirited, harsh, arrogant or rude. This
means all assertive pragmatics imbibe the ethos
"of the love of Christ which includes patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, selfcontrol - what is known in scriptural terminology as
the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal 5: 22-23).“[Morelli, G. (2006, July
02). Assertiveness and Christian Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-assertiveness-andchristian-charity.]
 One
insight I had early on in my pastoral
and clinical ministry is that the world
always makes sense in some way to the
person I was talking to. Their perspective
many not be mine, but it made 'sense' to
the other. As a priest-psychologist I found it
important to attempt to see the world as
the other saw it, so I could understand
their perspective.
 Trying
out the others perspective is also
related to the psychological process of
empathy. Empathy can be described as
thinking and feeling what the other is
thinking and feeling. Being a member of a
relational unit which emphasizing shared
goals, objectiveness and cooperation and
being of one mind should facilitate
empathy. [Morelli, G. (2007, February 04). The Spiritual Roots of Altruism: The Good
Samaritan.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-spiritual-roots-of-altruismthe-good-samaritan]
I
previously discussed a very effective
communication tool in dealing with conflict. It
can be used in situations in which your point
of view is rejected outright. It is called
the disarming technique:
 After expressing your view to a person and it
is rejected, disarming becomes a powerful
way to deflect conflict. Basically disarming
makes a neutral statement about the other
individual’s response.

As simple as it sounds, in a communication impasse
(especially within family and among friends), just
suggesting to the other, a change in how to continue to
relate to one another, a truce so to speak, may be an
effective communication tool: "Look! We are all
members of our family, we love one another, and
should love one another. Sometimes we have to 'agree
to disagree.' You know, we all can't agree on
everything, nor should we have too. I can love you
even though you hold a different viewpoint than I do.
The most important thing is for us is to accept that we
have different views on this subject and move on."
Psychologically at least there are no winners and no
losers.
 In
contemporary American (and Western)
secular society, humility is not a virtue, it is
considered a vice and disability. Jesus
beautiful words known as the Beatitudes in
the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are
the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." (Mt
5:5), would be re-phrased: 'Cursed are the
meek, for they shall lose it all.' Robert Greene
(1998) would utter the motto of the proud in
his 15th Law of Power: "Crush your enemy
totally.“ [Greene, R. (1998). The 48 laws of power. NY: Penguin]



Jesus taught us just the opposite: "For what does it profit a
man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself."
(Lk 9: 25). How apt for those who obnoxiously insist on
imposing their viewpoint on family, friends and others to apply
to themselves the Idiomela by St. John of Damascus sung
during Funeral Service in the Eastern Church:
I called to mind the Prophet, as he cried: I am earth and
ashes; and I looked again into the graves and beheld the
bones laid bare, and I said: Who then is the king or the
warrior, the rich man or the needy, the upright or the sinner?
Yet, o Lord, give rest unto thy servant with the righteous.
St. Paul's instruction to St. Timothy should be the motto of a
good, smart marriage in Christ: "And the Lord's servant must
not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher,
forbearing …." (2Tim 2:24)

In the decades since programs like The
Simpsons and South Park started airing, and the
proliferation of social media, like Facebook I've
noticed both in my pastoral ministry and clinical
counseling an increase of crude language and
crass & blatantly egregious behavior especially
among young people. It's a troubling development
because they make it even more difficult to teach
our children the elementary rules of civil discourse.
These rules function not only to prevent the
debasement of society, but also to foster
psychological stability in the child and most
importantly Godly behavior.
Offensive language includes cursing, swearing, and
using profanity. Whether we like it or not, the words we
use draw from deep places within us and shape the
culture around us. The words we hear affects us
psychologically (especially children), thus shaping how
we think and act.
 Language is in part a broadcast of our psychosocial
definition. It shapes how other people see us and how
they think we see ourselves. Healthy social and
personality development is assessed by how a person
relates with others, and how emotional reactions that
accompany these relationships are displayed (Cole, M. & Cole,
S.R. (1996). The Development of Children (3rd ed.) NY: Freeman.).





O'Connor (2000) gives twenty-five reasons to stop cussing. He sorts
them into three clusters: personal, corruption of the language,
and societal effects.
Personal reasons not to swear include: it makes a bad impression, is
unpleasant to be around, endangers relationships, reduces respect,
demonstrates loss of emotional control, signals a bad attitude and is
a tool of whiners and complainers, discloses lack of character, is
immature, reflects ignorance, and sets a bad example.
Language corruption includes: abrasive and lazy word usage,
unclear communication and lacking meaning, lacking imagination,
has lost effectiveness, and "represents the numbing down of
America."
Societal effects of cussing include: declines civility, offends people,
makes others uncomfortable, is disrespectful, starts arguments, is a
sign of hostility, and can lead to violence. [O'Conner, J.V. (2000). Cuss Control: The Complete
Book on How to Curb Your Cursing. NY: Three Rivers Press.]


Who does not know the second commandment God gave to Moses:
"You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain" (Exodus
20:7)? This is affirmed by St. Mark who quoted Jesus responding the
question about what commandment is the greatest: "You shall love
the Lord your God with all y our heart, and with all your soul, and
with all your mind, and with all your strength" (Mark 12: 28-31).
Finally St Paul exhorted us: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come
out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen"
(Ephesians 4:28-30).
While the twenty five reasons to stop cussing mentioned above don't
reference these biblical exhortations, they nevertheless draw from
the Christian moral tradition and are therefore relevant to the
discussion. All of them function as a restraint against offence of the
neighbor thereby affirming the Christian commandment to love the
neighbor.
Blasphemy is a form of cussing that is considered to
be a very serious sin where words are used to curse
God. St. Nikitas Stithatos wrote about the spiritual
dangers:
 Blasphemy is a frightful passion, difficult to combat, for
its origin lies in the arrogant mind of satan ... we must
guard the senses with great diligence, and reverence
all the awe-inspiring mysteries of God, the holy images
and holy words, and watch out for the attacks of this
spirit. ... when we are inattentive it discharges through
our lips curses against ourselves and strange
blasphemies against God the Most High. [Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P.

& Ware, K. (Eds.). (1995). The Philokalia, Volume 4: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy
Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber]

Cursing is another form of spiritual cussing that occurs
when the heart is set completely against a person and
words are used with the intent of bringing the fire of
hell upon them. Cursing is a very serious offense. The
writer of the book of Proverbs wrote: "If one curses his
father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in utter
darkness" (Proverbs 20:20). The book of Ecclesiastes
warned both the curser and the one being cursed: "Do
not give heed to all the things that men say, lest you
hear your servant cursing you; your heart knows that
many times you have yourself cursed others. All this I
have tested by wisdom; I said, 'I will be wise; but it was
far from me" (Ecclesiastes 7:21-23).
 The
prohibition against cursing is so strong
that Evagrius the Solitary said: "Try not to
pray against anyone [cursing] in your
prayer, so that you do not destroy what
you are building, and make your prayer
loathsome" [Philokalia I].



St. Maximus the Confessor taught: "the grace of the most Holy
Spirit does not confer wisdom on the Saints without their
natural intellect as capacity to receive it." Goodness and
wisdom is granted to man by his "volitive faculty, so that what
He (Christ) is in His essence the creature may become by
participation." [Philokalia II]
A person should prepare himself, then, for the grace of
goodness and wisdom by all means possible. Changing
cussing behaviors is a good place to start. The first step
is metanoia ( change of mind) built on both the twenty-five
reasons to stop cussing listed above and the commandment
to love God and neighbor. Apply them both and we discover
the power to change this sin that has engrained itself through
habit.
Further, to change cussing behaviors a person has to develop
emotional control

One of the best verbal substitutes I have heard was on TV when the
judge commenting on someone's obviously fabricated testimony
said: "That is just bovine fecal matter." Thanks to O'Connor (2000)
here are some others: Nuts! Cripes! Criminey! Egad! Mercy! Holy
cow! Darn it! Oh, boy!
Another approach is to eliminate the "S" word altogether in
sentences where it is not needed: "Who [the ... ]. knows?", "Who [the
... .] cares?", "Don't give me that [ ... .]", "She thinks she's hot [ ... .]".
Some words according to O'Connor work fine in themselves: dump,
junk anything, pile, kidding, soiled, mean person, phony, bunk, guygirl, stuff, act together, hit list, country boys, coronary, short, menial.
In describing sensory reactions one can say: "This food tastes
'terrible'", "This coat feels 'itchy'". Substitutes can always be found.
O'Connor recommends finding a word that can always be a fall back
when you disagree with something: bunk, baloney, or my brother
Pete's 'haghah.'

The "S" word is crude but the "F" word misses the
mark even more. It is flat out sinful. This word
defiles one of God's greatest gifts to mankind: the
ability to have pleasurable and life-creating sexual
intercourse in a blessed and holy marriage (Morelli
2005). The "F" word rips all notions of decency,
respect, and sacredness out of sexual intercourse
and reduces it to animalistic rutting. It darkens the
awareness that sexual intercourse is the means to
love our neighbor, which in its proper moral context
is only the spouse. The interpersonal and social
impact of this word is reaches deep. [Morelli, G. (2005, July 19) Sex
is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual Reflections in a Secular World
.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliSexIsHoly.php.]


O'Connor recommends substitute words for the "F" word that begin
with the letter "f" because it is easier to catch yourself with a word
starting with "f" than one beginning with the ending consonant "k."
Starting points are: fudge, fiddlesticks and phooey. People get used
to hearing you say these words while you become more comfortable
using them. My own experience is that O'Conner is right on the
mark. In fact, in my case any other type of substitute would sound
like an atomic explosion.
Other recommended words are: fool, meddle, interfere, fiddling,
futzing, messing, fouled, botched, ruined, wrecked, muddled,
bleeping, and revolting. I do not recommend what O'Connor calls
euphemisms as everyone knows such words have come to mean
the same thing as the "F" word. Among these are "effing," "fricking,"
and "frigging". In fact this latter word is in the American Heritage
Dictionary and means "to have sexual intercourse with."
Some words are much more precise in
communication and have the double effect
of increasing meaningful vocabulary. A
sample of words falling into this category
are: odious, detestable, contemptible,
despicable,
atrocious,
appalling,
outlandish, trashy, shoddy, sleazy, sinister,
diabolical, villainous, dilapidated, vile,
heinous, and abhorrent.
 Use
communicative sentences that are
less crass, cruel and abrasive. Two
examples include:
 Avoid: "When the "F" do you expect me to
do this?
Substitute: "I'll try and stay late and get this
done."
 Avoid: "It's not my "F" problem."
Substitute: "I wasn't involved in that
project."


St. Paisios of the Holy Mountain:
He only said the good things in life and he was blind to
every evil. The elder said; "I know from experience
people are divided into two categories ... The first
resembles the fly. The fly is attracted to dirt ... when a
fly is found in a garden full of flowers with beautiful
fragrances; it will ignore them and will sit on top of
some dirt. People belonging to this category always
look to bad things in life and refuse the presence of the
good. The other category is like the bee whose main
characteristic is to always look for something sweet
and nice to sit on. The second category of people ...
sees only the good side of things. They always try to
cover up the evil to protect their fellow man."
 Parents
and all people who deal with children
must model Christ in their own lives.
Orthodox parents in particular must create an
"Orthodox Family Culture" where all family
activity and behavior are permeated with
Orthodox teaching and practice. This
exhortation is so important that a couple
hears it during their wedding service long
before the children even arrive: "Unite them in
one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair
children for education in thy faith and fear."



Proper monitoring of the media allowed into the home.
Regulate the media because it is one of the greatest
purveyors of cussing (& other immoral practices) in the larger
culture.
Ask children how a program fits with something Jesus has
taught. The parent may find a scripture passage or a
catechism answer and ask their children what they think about
it versus the program content.
Children may be able to state on their own the reasons why
some images and words are wrong. This will be more
meaningful to children than parental "preaching." Parental
discussion can then follow up by emphasizing such virtues as
respect for one's self and others as well as the true honor due
to God. Consider making joint decisions about which shows
to watch, games to play or internet sites to visit.


If children oppose the parents and insist on viewing
objectionable programming, they can be told with soft but firm
tone that we "all follow God's rules in this house" Rules should
be set and enforced with love rather than rigid authoritarianism
since authoritarian parenting styles foster anger and rebellion
in children Two scripture verses can guide the parents: 1)
"And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but
bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord"
(Ephesians 6:4); and 2) "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a
harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).
Use occasions when the media has to be regulated as
opportunities for discussion. Make sure your child understands
the reasons for your decision. Explain the reasons in age
appropriate ways as soon as you make them because that is
when dialogue can be most effective. If the child is upset or
angry, allow him to cool off and discuss it later.
 Neither
do I condemn you; go, and do not sin
again (John 6:11).
A
couple years ago the star of a well
known Nickelodeon program got pregnant
outside marriage. What makes this
distressing to parents and confusing to their
children is that the star played the role of a
"moral heroine" on the show. She talked
about sex in the context of committed
relationships and marriage. She dealt
assertively with peers who wanted her to try
alcohol, drugs and the like. She was
described as "standing up for her beliefs."
Talking with children does not mean preaching. Adults
can be preached to. Children have to discover for
themselves. The best way to talk with children is to first
ask them how they feel about the topic. Then see if
they can make the connection to Our Lord's life and
teachings. The English word "education" is derived
from the Latin word "educare" which means "to draw
out." Parents may have to help draw out these
connections. Below are some discussion points in
question format with sample answers that I think may
be helpful.
 Let me emphasize once again: Adults LOVE to preach.
Don't preach to your child. Discuss the questions if you
want the child to learn.

 The
discussion should focus on the love
God has for us and the love husband
(father) and wife (mother) have for each
other in a God-blessed committed
relationship (sacramental marriage).
Parents should focus on this "as the same
love we have for you as our children"
 The
discussion should focus on the holiness
of sex, its part in God's creation
 Example questions:
• Who created us? (God.)
• Who does God get to help him? (Mommies and
daddies. Older children may want to discuss the
physiology involved, parents should be un-anxiously
straightforward and choose age-appropriate terms
etc.)
• How does He choose them? (He blesses their
marriage.)
The theme of this discussion is that since the fall of
our first parents, we are inclined to do what we
want and not what God wants. God loves us and if
we love Him we want to do what He wants, (follow
His will).
 Example questions:

• Have you ever done anything wrong?
• If you have done wrong what can you do? (Answers: ask
forgiveness, repent, do better, follow God's will.)
• Have you ever done anything God would be unhappy
about?
• Have you ever done anything mommy or daddy would be
unhappy about?

The child should be helped to see God's never
ending love, mercy and forgiveness. The Gospels
are filled with examples of Jesus forgiving the sins
of those whom he encountered. Parents may want
to mark a few passages they could go over with
their children. With older children, parents and
children should read the Parable of the Prodigal
Son (Luke 15:11-32), and the account of the
woman caught in adultery (John 8: 3-11). Children
should be asked for the meaning of these
passages in terms of the current news story and
their own lives.
If you have done something wrong (fallen short,
sinned), are really sorry, and ask God to forgive
you, what will He do?
 Because you have done wrong does it mean God,
or mommy or daddy do not love you?
 Does God want you to displease Him (sin against
Him) again? (cf. Romans 6.)
 What is the best way to please God after
displeasing (sinning against) Him? (Ask
forgiveness [for older children, especially by going
to Confession] and try with all our heart not to
displease Him or sin against Him again.)

 Then
a connection should be made
between God's love, their own falling short,
and the falling short of the actress.








Does Jamie's pregnancy outside of marriage cause God to stop
loving her? (No, He hates her sin, but not her, just as we, your
parents, hate when you disobey us, but still love you.)
Does God want you to love her?
What can you do to show your love for her? (Pray for her, pray she
asks God to give her the grace to grow in His love of Him, obey Him
and do His will.)
Because she did something wrong is it OK for us (you) to do
something wrong?
What is more important: To please God or your friends?
What is more important: To do what pleases God or to do what you
see movie stars do?
Why not? (Because we want to love God with all our hearts and
minds, so we can please Him and be with Him in paradise.)
What do we do when we or someone gets in trouble? (Pray for them.
So we should pray for Ms. Spears, and all those whom God loves,
and that means all of us even the worst of sinners.)



Priestmonk Christodoulos biographer of Elder Paisios of the
Holy Mountain, said of the Elder: "He only saw the good things
in life and was blind to every evil." Fr. Christodoulos also said:
"I believe that if someone develops positive thoughts, ... he will
not be a loser, because God, who knows our deepest
intentions, will do him justice."
What a beautiful way to apply the Elder's teaching to this
media event. One overheard comment that reflects the spirit of
the holy Elder's words was by a woman who said: "One good
thing, she decided to keep her child and not have an abortion."
Especially with older children, the choice for life over death
could be emphasized. They could pray that Godly choices like
this could continue to be made. This could be a starting point
leading to a family discussion on the evil of abortion and the
sanctity of life.
 The
best way to show our love of God is to
love Him and do what He has
commanded; pray with all our heart to
know, love and serve Him. Pray that Our
Lord's words to the woman caught in
adultery be what He would say to this
popular actress and ourselves: "Neither do
I condemn you; go, and do not sin again"
(John 6:11).

In the Orthodox wedding service, the Holy Spirit is
invoked to: "Unite them (the couple) in one mind
and one flesh, and grant unto them fair children for
education in Thy faith and fear ... " The spiritual
goal of marriage is connected to the parental
vocation. This is of Divine origin. As God loves us,
we are to love. This love starts in the domestic
church, sanctified and continuingly enlivened by
the sharing of the Holy Mysteries in the parish
community. It then abides mutually between the
spouses, and spreads from there to their children
and then to all those in the world. It goes out to this
Jamie Spears and all of us in need of forgiveness.



Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by
the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the
will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect
(Romans 12:2).
Background:
Almost every corner of society is saturated with sexual
language and images. We hear it in the music, and see it
on television and in the movies. Sex targets all markets including the media meant for young children. Billboards,
sporting events, even a walk around the mall exposes
children to a smorgasbord of sexually related stimuli.
Pornography is readily available on the internet (a recent
study showed porn sites are the second most visited
sites on the web - news was first).

Parents (and some clergy) who think their children
are not exposed to sex in our society are blind to
their surroundings Some parents think if they do
not talk about such topics, they do not exist.
Others argue that the Church should not discuss
sexual issues. Regretfully, these attitudes
capitulate to the self-centered, pleasure-focused,
power-oriented - and in some quarters pagan -society in which Christians live today and that
eagerly seeks to become the child's well-spring of
information on sexuality and human relationships.

If parents and clergy capitulate to the culture, then the
culture will assume the teaching authority of the
parent. Several decades ago, research psychologists
demonstrated that was no real difference between real
life and mediated models (cartoons, movies, books) in
terms of their effect on a child's perceptions about
sexuality and other important moral issues (Bandura,
1986). Foreclosing (not approaching) on sexual
issues, cedes this authority to these models who then
become the child's teacher. This applies to the Church
as well. If Church leaders foreclose on sexual
questions, the child will turn to the culture for
instruction. [Bandura, A. (1986). Social Foundations of Thought and Action. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice
Hall.]

Parenthood is inextricably bound with marriage, and
thus with the Church. St. Paul explained the
relationship in more detail when he compared the
marital relationship to the union of Christ with the
Church (Ephesians 5: 32). This is a "profound mystery"
wrote St. Paul, but one that clearly equated the
sacramental union of marriage in terms of redemptive
co-creation that replicates in some measure the work
of Christ in the world through the Church. Children,
therefore, as the fruit of this union also represent in
some concrete way Christ's creative work. Hence the
stern moral warning against the abuse and
abandonment of the moral instruction of children in the
passage cited above.
 The
physical act of procreation should be
described in the same terms any other bodily
function is described like breathing or blood
circulation, free of the crudities and crassness
that is so prevalent in popular culture.
However, the function itself should be
elevated by pointing out that sex is a gift from
God that allows mankind to participate in
God's act of creation (see: Sex is Holy;
Morelli,2005). This is what makes sex sacred
and special. [Morelli, G. (2005, July 19) Sex is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual
Reflections in a Secular
World.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliSexIsHoly.php.]





It is important that those dealing with children use the correct
scientific terms: sex refers to the biology of the individuals, as
well as to the procreative act; gender has social and cultural
meaning thus:
Sex: What you are biologically, male or female.
Sexual Orientation: The sex of the individual the person is
sexually attracted to, i.e.:same sex or opposite sex attraction.
Sexual Desire or Strength: The degree of attraction, from
weak to strong.
Gender Identity: The sexual characteristics a person perceives
himself as having that are socially defined, irrespective of their
biological sex. In most Western countries, a male (sex) who
perceives himself as male (gender) would not wear a skirt. A
female (sex) who perceives herself as female (gender) might
wear lipstick.

If the term sex is replaced with the term
gender, then biological concreteness is
subsumed by cultural values leading to the
confusion we see today: the denial of
male-female distinctions, the reformulation
of human relationships (such as marriage)
in culturally relative terms.
 Proposals
by some (thank God very few)
to ordain ‘female priests’: if it is all gender
it is cultural and can be changed. Rather:
Orthodoxy affirms God revealed Himself as
Father (in a sex sense), Son (in a Sex
sense) and Holy Spirit. Inclusive language
is a path to heresy, not as God revealed
Himself and as understood by His Church.

First, when a child asks a question or shows an
interest in a sexual topic, ask the child what they think
it means. The demeanor of the parent should be no
different than towards any other question a child may
ask: calm and straightforward. For example, if a child
points out (or draws a sex organ), ask the child what
they think about it. Younger children usually give more
general answers and parents can be simply supportive
of their answer. If a young pre-school, nursery-school
age child has some understanding of how intercourse
takes place, the parental response should be given
promptly and without shame in the context of
Trinitarian love.



The parent can say something like, "Yes, in blessed marriage God
makes holy a husband who gives his seed to his wife, and created
you. This is beautiful and an act of Godly love." If a child wants more
information parents should not hesitate to give it. Most children have
more knowledge than most parents envision (Morelli, 2005). An
incorrect understanding given by a child can be corrected in terms a
child can comprehend.
If children questions more, parents can make use of ordinary objects
to illustrate how this is done. A child can be told "You know how we
use a spoon to add gravy to a potatoes. God gave daddy part of his
body to give mommy his seed to start a new baby growing. This is
how God asks mommy and daddy to help Him make children. This is
how you were made."
Obviously older children will be given more anatomically accurate
names for the sex organs appropriate to the science level they would
get in their school. Parents can even use the child's science textbook
as a reference and resource.

Parents often ask (usually after it occurs), "What do I do when
my child walks in on me while I am undressed, or we are
'making love'?" Parents and teachers know the message
conveyed when they walk into a room unexpectedly and the
child quickly tries to cover up something they are doing. Most
parents and teachers immediately see this as a "yellow flag"
indicating the child was doing something wrong. Children get
the same message when parents act shamed, embarrassed
or angry and fumble to dress. A better approach is to put on a
robe or cover up in a normal natural manner, then calmly
explain to the child about the sacred specialness of the private
body parts and behaviors and that out of respect for this
specialness and for the parent the child should always knock
before entering.

Pre-marital sex is quite prevalent in today's society. According
to a recent Washington Post report 46.8% of teens in grades
9-12 were found to have had sexual intercourse at some time
during their lives, 33.9% in the past three months"
(http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/graphic/2007/07/22/GR2007072200479.html).
The Washington Post article went on: "Teenagers today live in
an MTV-driven culture and are bombarded by sexual
messages that say it is normative for them to get involved
sexually," said Charmaine Yoest of the Family Research
Council. "We need a message that sexual experimentation as
a teenager is unhealthy." What has to be conveyed by
Orthodox Christians is what is normative for children baptized
into Christ.

The best way of approaching this issue is to
discuss the sanctity of sex and its intimate
connection with the love the persons of the Holy
Trinity have for each other and the love God has
initiated and sustained by creating us, and the love
of Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, in emptying
Himself and taking on our nature for our salvation.
"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours
in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of
God, did not count equality with God a thing to be
grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a
servant, being born in the likeness of men. And a
death, even death on a cross" (Philippians 2: 2-8).
My practice: In talking to the penitent I have never
approached this missing the mark or illness by telling
them they broke one of "God's laws." To start this way
would be to emphasize the letter of the law.
 Rather, I start out questioning the penitents on
following the spirit of the law. I ask if they are
committed to the other in a blessed marriage. Of
course I know the answer, but it focuses them on the
essential point of marriage. My inquiry continues in the
following vein: Were you committed to this person for
life? Were you committed for good and bad times? Did
you think that by becoming 'one' with this person you
could be creating a life both of you were committed to
raise in the fear of God.


This same theme should permeate parental
dialogue with their children. Suppose a news
program is on television in earshot of the family
pre-teens or teens. The newscaster is reporting on
the second, third, or fourth marriage (or living
arrangement) of celebrities. Couldn't parents make
casual remarks (with kindness and charity) like: "I
wonder if their relationship was blessed? I wonder
if they are committed to one another the way Christ
wants us to be? Let us say a prayer for them." The
parents would be conveying the spirit of what a
Christ-like relationship should be without preaching
or sermonizing.

Television and other media frequently portray aberrant
sexual lifestyles. What a beautiful opportunity to
comment on Our Lord's teaching (once again in a kind,
loving tone of voice). Based on the child's
understanding discussed above, a parent may
comment: "You know we have to love them, because
God loves them. Let us pray 'Father forgive them" as
Jesus did on the cross, and pray for their healing that
they can come to love Jesus and do what he wants
them to do. He made us male and female so we can
be blessed (Holy Matrimony) to make children." Once
again, words need not be lengthy, or sermonizing, but
pinpoint the core of the problem.

It is so obvious to say that parents should monitor what
media is in the home and surely not permit anything
contrary to the love Christ requires of us. Computers
should be in public spaces in the home. DVDs, I Pod
downloads, radio and television programming should
also not violate Christ's proscription. Pornography
obviously does not belong in an Orthodox Christian
home. Unfortunately, soft-core pornography, DVDs
with suggestive dancing and lyrics (even on CDs
holding a PG rating) are now commonplace. Parents
should pay special attention to this pernicious media
onslaught on Christ's love and use them as teaching
moments.


Background:
Most media coverage about same-sex marriage
doesn't concern legal or sociological arguments but
focuses instead on feelings? The stories take a
human-interest angle, chock full of emotional
descriptions that tug at the heartstrings but leave aside
any deeper analysis of this culture changing issue. We
see homosexual couples who report their "deep
sadness" at not being allowed to marry a member of
the same-sex, and look forward to the "joy, happiness,
and contentment" that legalized same-sex marriage
would afford the "couple in love." We see recurring
scenes of smiling and hugging same-sex couples.
 Some
parents ask if they should even talk to
their children about same-sex marriage.
Without question they should. To neglect the
issue is to neglect the moral development of
the child, and neglect is a very serious failing.
Elder Paisios, the holy monk commenting on
family life said, "Both father and mother will
responsible for not looking after their
children…The parents, who do not look after
their children, are not good parents and they
will have to justify their actions to God" The
same could be said about the clergy.


Behavioral research on effective persuasion strategies with
children (the way persuaders try to convince children that their
position is the right one to hold) reveals that the best tactic is
to associate the message with fun and happiness, rather than
provide any factual content about the message We see the
tactic employed consistently in the newscasts about same-sex
marriage mentioned previously.
The tactic is similar to one employed by child abductors. The
abductor attempts to seduce the child by playing on the
emotions. They promise a fun or rewarding activity alongside
a sentimental appeal that pulls the child into his grip. For
example, predators lure children with questions like, "Can you
help me find my lost puppy?" Another favorite is, "Do you want
to see some cute kittens in my car?" Child protection sites
warn parents about how powerful these appeals are to
children (http://www.reallifesolutions.net/family/abductions.html).

A child will not understand this crucial
insight unless you first validate his
emotion. In other words, if your child says
that the scene of say, the happy
homosexual couple, makes him happy,
acknowledge it. The feeling of happiness is
a real experience and denying it will either
confuse him or cause him to discount what
you say.
 The
child may something like, "Boy, they
sure seem happy." The parent could reply,
"Yes, they sure do." The parent continues,
"But Johnny, let me ask you a question,
'Because you are happy about something,
does that mean it is good for you?'" He
might answer yes, thus affirming that if
something makes him happy it must be
good.

Ask your next question as a game (older children and
adolescents can be asked the questions straight up).
Pick something the child really likes, their favorite food
or toy for example. They should be emotionally excited
about your choice; something they see as "really
good." Then add some unforeseen and very
unfavorable consequence that compels him to think a
bit more deeply. For example, the parent could say,
"Suppose the food were filled with poison and you
would get very sick if you ate it, or suppose you were
playing with your toy and an accident happened and
you got hurt." Let the child discover through your
questions that just because something looks good and
makes you happy does not mean it is good for you.


When is the Best Time to Talk with the Child? The best
time to talk to children about this topic is when an event that is
related to same-sex relationships or marriage is encountered.
This may be after or during viewing a news report, television
show, movie or DVD. It could also be after seeing same-sex
couples displaying mutual affection in public. This may be
common in certain communities, recreation spots or gay rights
rallies or parades. It may also occur during a chance
encounter with a gay couple during some everyday outdoor
activity.
If a parent notices their child looking, or staring or, in some
way, attending to the gay couple, it is a natural time to inquire
what the child thinks about what they are seeing. Parents
frequently ask questions of their children on different matters
such as sports, school, friends and by God's grace spiritual
matters related to life.

Three caveats: 1) let the child speak; 2)
don't answer your own questions; and 3)
don't assume you know what the child
knows or is going to say. (The
word educare from which we get the
English term educate means to "draw out"
in Latin. This is the fundamental meaning
of education.)
A
boy's mom notices him glance at the TV
and hesitate for a moment before moving
on. She says "Hey Tim, I just saw you glance
at the gay married couples. What do you
think?" He pauses a moment and answers,
"It's Ok. It's cool. We have a few gay guys in
school. They love each other. They should
be able to marry anyone they want, just like
regular people."
 Mom
(Dad too, although not home from work
yet) did their theological and psychoeducational (how to talk to children)
homework. Tim's mom is ready for a
response. "Tim, remember last week we were
talking about stealing." "Yeah, Mom!"
"Remember you were saying you understood
it was against God's will; that stealing is
against His commandment to love Him and
others? Why don't we see what God has told
us about marriage."

On Thursday evening Mom and Dad are prepared. They ask Tim to repeat what he
said about gay couples getting married. Dad says in a pleasant voice: "Ok, you have a
point. They have feelings. But is it good for them; is it God's will? You would like
someone else's PDA, but, as you said, stealing it would not be good for you. Using it
would feel good and it would be fun to use, but stealing is still wrong."
Mom chimes in, "Remember, we all agreed how we have to understand why God put
us on earth, what our purpose in life is and how we should do God's will. Let's see
what God says about marriage."
They take turns reading the relevant passages from Genesis and other parts of
scripture. They could quote the Church Fathers. At each point they always ask Tim to
make the connections.
A few examples that Tim is getting it would be: "You're right, we're made in God's
image and have to be like Him." "Making kids is God's work." "Yeah! I know what
having sex is all about, two girls or two guys can't 'do it' the same way as a girl and a
guy can." "Wow! Two fleshes become one flesh, and the child is your flesh too, I never
thought of it that way. So marriage has to be holy too!"
 Younger
children may find it difficult to
conceive of the meaning of "one flesh." St.
Paul himself said: "This mystery is a
profound one…" (Ephesians 5:32). I have
found it useful to use concrete objects that
a child is familiar with to illustrate more
abstract concepts. Most children play with
blocks and have experience with various
geometric forms in games such as
pegboard etc.


One of the stumbling blocks in any discussion of
homosexuality and same-sex is the charge "Don't judge!"
Secular moralists are libertine in most sexual matters but
exceedingly stern towards those who dare challenge them. It's
quite an inversion. The command not to judge comes from
Holy Scripture, but in this case the secular moralists are using
it to obliterate any distinctions between what the scripture says
about right behavior and relationships.
Nevertheless, the charge stops many Christians in their
tracks. It's also a powerful shaper of young minds. Children
want to be fair. They may know homosexuals, or even children
of same-sex couples. "Don't judge!" translates into "You've got
to be fair don't discriminate!” It's a difficult charge to reconcile
so let's take a closer look at what the scripture says.
 In
the book of Revelation Jesus (in the
guise of an angel tells St. John:
"Yet this you have, you hate the works of
the Nicolaitans, which I also hate." (Rev
2:6).
Jesus taught that we are to "…love your enemies,
and pray for those who persecute you.“ (Mt 5:44).
This means that judging a person must be left only
to God. No man has the authority to judge another.
 But the commandment not to judge does not mean
that we should make allowance for sin. Jesus sat
with sinners, including the prostitutes and tax
collectors. He was judged harshly for doing so.
Recall St Luke's words, "Now the tax collectors
and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And
the Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying,
'This man receives sinners and eats with them'"
(Luke 15: 1-2).

Parents can help children role play different
possible encounters. Here are a few possible
response scripts for various situations (Tom and
Jane are generic names for the script):
 Tom may be gay, but he is also a child of God.
 Jane is free to act the way she wants, she can choose
to live the way God asks us to act according to His Will
or 'do her own thing.' I will pray for her.
 Jesus has told us that only a man and woman can
marry and be blessed by the church. Tom and his male
friend cannot have a blessed marriage in Christ.
 If a male-female couple decided to just live together or
get a "justice of the peace marriage," it would not be
blessed either.







All of us, male and female are asked by God to love and obey Him,
but it is our choice.
I cannot judge Tom, only God judges, but I can pray that we all do
God's will.
Jesus told us Jane cannot be married to her girlfriend, but God also
gave us free will. I will pray for them. God told me to only look at
myself—I sure know the sins I have done.
Listen, I have chosen to live my life the way Jesus has told us. I may
mess up, but I keep trying.
Just because Tom and his friend, and Jane and her friend were
"married in court" doesn't mean it is blessed by God. God only
blesses a man and a women who marry in church.
Please note that the script models the essentials of a Christ-like
response: kindness toward all; non-judgment of persons
(judgment belongs to God only); and affirmation of the
truth that only a blessed marriage between male and female is
acceptable to God, and humility in that we are to judge
ourselves, not our brother or sister.
O
Lord and Master of my life, do not give me
the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power and
idle talk

But rather give me the spirit of chastity,
humility, patience and love to thy servant.

Yes, Lord and King, grant me to see my own
transgressions and not to judge my brother,
For blessed art thou unto ages of ages. Amen