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Assertive Communication
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness means standing up for
yourself and stating your needs in a manner respectful to yourself and others. Being assertive also means having the ability to say ‘No’ to requests that are unreasonable or that you are not currently able
to accommodate. Assertiveness is a skill
that may be learnt and developed with
practice.
Benefits of Assertive Communication
Benefits include; acting in your own interests while respecting the interests of
others, asking for help when you need it,
effective conflict resolution, clearly expressing your feelings, opinions and
needs in a manner respectful to others,
reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and developing and maintaining trust and equality in interpersonal
relationships.
Barriers to Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is not always easy to express especially if you have not learnt the
skills necessary or have not seen assertiveness in action. People who usually
communicate in a passive manner may
think assertiveness to too forward or aggressive yet there is a difference between
these two style of communication (see
our newsletter on Communication
Styles). If you lack clarity about your
goals or the content of what you want to
say it will be difficult to be assertive.
The presence of strong emotions (e.g.,
anxiety, anger, stress, depressed mood)
may also make it difficult to think and
communicate clearly.
Body Language
The way you speak - including the volume and tone of your voice, your physical gestures, and facial expressions, all
have an important impact on how your
message will be received. For example,
if you fold your arms in front of your
chest, have a stern expression on your
face or speak in an accusing tone, the
other person is likely to feel defensive
even before they have heard what you
have to say.
On the other hand, an open posture, a
calm voice, and relaxed body language
helps the other person to feel at ease,
and your message is delivered in a nonthreatening way.
Here's an acronym that might help you
remember good body language:
S - Face the person squarely.
O - Open posture, no crossed arms or
fidgeting.
L - Lean towards the person, not too
much but just enough to show interest.
E - Maintain eye contact, without staring.
R - Be relaxed, don't fidget and be
comfortable.
How to Deal with Conflict in an Assertive Manner using ‘I’ Statements.
1. Explain how you feel using an ‘I’
statement, (e.g., ‘I feel… annoyed, upset, frustrated …..) Such a statement
reduces the defensive of the recipient as
you are taking responsibility for how
you feel.
2. State what has happened, (e.g.,
‘When you…..arrive half an hour late
for lunch without phoning’).
3. Then explain why you feel this way
(e.g., Because I waste time when I
could be working’)
4. State what you would prefer the other person to do (e.g., ‘I would prefer
you to phone me and let me know when
you expect to arrive’).
In full, ‘I feel frustrated when you arrive half an hour late for lunch without
phoning because I could be getting
more work done in my office. I would
prefer you to phone me and let me
know when you expect to arrive.’
Making a Request
Sometimes asking for something can be
scary if you're usually a passive person. By following the steps below, it
may be easier than you think.
1. Acknowledge and express your
appreciation for the other person’s
contribution so far, thank the other
person for their help in the past.
2. State clearly and respectfully what
you are requesting using an assertive
communication style (SOLER).
3. Be prepared to negotiate or compromise about some of the details of
your request or accept gracefully if it
is not possible for the person to assist
or comply with your wishes. Just because you are being assertive, doesn't
mean you will always get what you
want.
4. Thank the other person for their
willingness to assist or for their time
in discussing the issue with you.
Remember, when learning any new
skill, practice is required for improvement. Try practising assertive
communication skills regularly and in
a range of settings, including with
people you are familiar with as well
as those you do not know so well.
You can even practice in the mirror.
When you do this you will notice
over time you will behave assertively
more readily and effectively. As a
result your needs and requests are
more likely to be met while fostering
respect and trust in relationships with
others.
Extract from Reach Out: http://
au.reachout.com/tips-forcommunicating
UNSW Counselling and Psychological Services
Workshops;
https://student.unsw.edu.au/wellbeingworkshops-and-seminars
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