Download SECRET AGENT MAN (or, Trading Violence for Victory) Cast (in

SECRET AGENT MAN
(or, Trading Violence for Victory)
Cast (in order of appearance):
Saul/Paul:
Dataman
Annas:
Bev
Caiaphas:
Jeff
Voice:
Michael
Ananias:
Graham
Christian Girl:
Katherine
Saul: Oh! Come in! It’s about time you got here! I’m so frustrated that I’m about to
pull my hair out!
(wait for kids to come in and sit down)
Saul: My name is Saul. I’m a Jew from the town of Tarsus. My parents named me after
King Saul, the first king of Israel. Boy, what a loser. All he had to do was obey God’s
commandments, but noooooo, he had to go and do things his own way. You know what
his “famous last words” were when he died in battle? “Rosebud.” Right.
(pace around room in frustration)
Saul: But that’s not why I’m frustrated. Recently our High Priest Annas and Chief Priest
Caiaphas were presiding over the trial of those self-proclaimed apostles Peter and John,
who follow the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth – ooh, how I hate that name! – when this
insolent Judge Wapper-doodle-weber-yeager-man-jensen comes out of nowhere and
proceeds to put the priests on trial! He had the nerve to accuse Annas and Caiaphas of
having illegally railroaded Jesus in order to have him put to death, and then told the
priests to leave the apostles alone! (speaking in a mocking voice) “If this is of man, it
will fail, but if it is of God, you won’t be able to stop them.” Ooooh!
(continue pacing)
Saul: And ever since then, these apostles have become bolder and more fearless,
preaching this Jesus all over Jerusalem and in the surrounding cities. Thousands of my
ignorant, less-well-educated countrymen have joined them. Even some of the temple
priests have gone over to the dark side to follow Jesus! Every time we try to stamp it out,
this new movement, this “church” as they call it, gets bigger and bigger. It’s… it’s like a
cockroach you can’t kill! We warn the apostles not to preach in Jesus’ name. They keep
doing it. More people join them. We throw them in prison. They keep preaching. Even
more people join them. We threaten them with death unless they stop. They still keep
preaching. Still more people join them. We haul one of their “divinely appointed”
waiters named Stephen before the court. He lectures us about how we’re “stiff-necked”
and disobedient to God. We drag him out and have him stoned to death. Their followers,
these Christians, scatter all over the surrounding area and still keep preaching! And even
more people join them! And now they’re everywhere! In our synagogues, in the temple,
in the marketplace, preaching Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!
(walk over to kids)
Saul: Well, at least we’re away from them here. After all, (ha-ha) none of you guys are
Christians, are you?
(wait for kids to respond)
Saul: Are you?
(kids affirm that they are)
Saul: Arrgh! The whole world’s going to become overrun with Christians at this rate!
Well, if the priests can’t stop you and our courts can’t stop you, then it looks like it’s up
to me to stop you! I know what I’ve got to do. But I must get the priests’ approval for it.
After all, these things must be handled delicately… (spoken like the Wicked Witch of the
West)
(walks over the Annas and Caiaphas)
Saul: High Priest Annas! Chief Priest Caiaphas! Greetings!
Annas: Hmm? Oh, hello, Saul.
Saul: I heard what happened to you both before that Judge Wapperdoodle.
Caiaphas: (Getting up and manhandling Saul) Don’t rub it in! (sits back down)
Saul: Your honors! I seek only to honor and respect the sacred traditions of our religion
and those who guard and uphold its tenets! From my youth I have zealously followed the
laws of Moses and the traditions of the elders that have been handed down to us. I want
to see these followers of Jesus, these Christians, wiped out as much as you do. But as
priests and representatives of the official religious establishment, there are certain…
protocols … that you must follow in your public office, certain… niceties… that you
must observe. I, however, as a private citizen, am not restrained by such concerns. I
have a secret plan for destroying these Christians, but I will need your covert
authorization to carry it out.
Annas: What do you want from us?
Saul: I want you to give me secret, official permission to hunt down, arrest, imprison,
prosecute and summarily execute every Christian I can find!
Caiaphas: Every single one? One at a time?
Saul: No; I’ll hold them in that jail cell over there until I can round them all up, and then
in one fell swoop I’ll DESTROY THEM ALL! DESTROY THEM ALL! DESTROY
THEM ALL!
Annas: (to Caiaphas) Does Saul seem a little unhinged to you?
Caiaphas: You heard what he said; he’s just extremely zealous for the law and our
religion.
Annas: Well, Saul, I must say that your plan sounds religious.
Caiaphas: And violent.
Annas: But mostly violent!
Annas, Caiaphas and Saul: (lifting clinched fists into the air) YAY, VIOLENCE!!
Annas: Very well, Saul. (hands paper to Saul) Here is our secret, official permission for
you to hunt down, arrest, imprison, prosecute and summarily execute every Christian you
can find!
Saul: Excellent!
Caiaphas: Yes, Saul, as our secret agent in his divine majesty’s secret service and as our
secret weapon against the Christians, you are officially… licensed to kill!
(“James Bond” music starts playing. Annas and Caiaphas leave as Saul starts “arresting”
kids and adults and putting them in “prison.”)
Saul: At last! I’ve arrested every Christian I could find here in Jerusalem! Truly God
will be pleased with my zeal for the ancient traditions! Now, on to Damascus, where
there are even more Christians to arrest! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!...
(laughed in “Mandark” style)
(a bright light suddenly shines down on Saul. Saul falls to the ground.)
Saul: (stammering) A.. a bright light… from heaven… blinding me…
Voice: (amplified and reverberated) Saul… Saul… why persecutest thou me?
Saul: Who… who art thou, Lord, who doth speakest unto me in King James English that
wilt not exist for lo yet another sixteen centuries?
Voice: I… am… OZ! Just kidding. I am Jesus whom thou persecutest…
Saul: (looking back toward kids) Oooooohhh… (in a Lucy Ricardo voice)
Voice: Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do.
Saul: Arise and go into the city? Easy for you to say; I’m blind!
(Saul stumbles around the room, bumping into bookshelves and tripping over chairs.)
Saul: Hello… hello? Is anybody…? (bumps into wall) Oh, sorry… excuse me…
(bumps in a long table) Oh! A bed! I might as well lie down here and pray. Perhaps the
Lord will have mercy on me and restore my sight.
(Ananias walks in)
Voice: Ananias.
Ananias: (looking around fearfully) Who are you? Are you a ghost?
Voice: Ananias, I am the Lord Jesus. Get up and go to the street called Straight, and at
the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul. At this moment he is praying,
and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so
that he might regain his sight.
Ananias: Lord, I have heard about this man, how much evil he has done to your church
in Jerusalem, and he has come here to Damascus with official permission from the chief
priests to arrest all who call on your name.
Voice: Go, for he is my chosen secret agent, my secret weapon, to bring my name before
the nations, before kings and before the people of Israel. I myself will show him how
much he must suffer for the sake of proclaiming my name.
(Ananias goes over to Saul)
Ananais: Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on your way here, has sent
me to you that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.
(Ananias lays hands on Saul. Saul starts to get up.)
Saul: I… I can see! Something like scales just fell from my eyes!
Ananias: Are they all gone? ‘Cause I’ve got this fish scaler here if we need to…
Saul: (Interrupting and leaning away) No, no, no! They’re all gone. All the scales are
gone.
Ananias: (bringing out a bowl of fruit) Here. Eat. You’ll need your strength for the
work for which the Lord Jesus has chosen you.
Saul: Yes, I… I understand that the Lord Jesus himself has chosen me to be his secret
agent, his secret weapon, to proclaim his message before the people of Israel, before
kings, and before the whole world! I, who hated his name and persecuted those who
believed in him! Oh, how greatly has his grace abounded beyond my sin! Now I see that
it is not by works of the Law but by faith in Jesus that one is justified before God, and
that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, even for one such as
myself who tried to destroy his church! O, the depth of the riches and wisdom and
knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
(pauses for a moment) Wait a minute… I should write that down and send it off in a
letter. In fact, I should write a whole bunch of letters to all the new churches that will
spring up as a result of my work. And then maybe one day my letters will be collected
into a book that will…
Ananias: If you will excuse me, Saul, it’s all well and good for you to plan out your
literary future, but there is a more immediate matter we must deal with.
Saul: Which is…?
Ananias: Saul, the Lord knows that you are a changed man. You know that you are a
changed man. I know that you are a changed man. (Katherine walks in) The rest of the
Christians around here, however…
Katherine: (suddenly seeing Saul) Oh, no! It’s Saul! He’s here to DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! (runs out)
Saul: So you’re saying that my reputation has preceded me.
Ananias: Exactly. You must do something that will convince the other Christians that
your faith is real, that you’re not just putting on an act to try to trick them, that you truly
believe in the Lord Jesus.
Saul: Well, let’s see. I could… put a little “fish” emblem on the back of my chariot…
Ananais: No.
Saul: I could… have the words “Jesus Saves” shaved onto the back of my head…
Ananias: No.
Saul: I could… change my name from “Saul” to “Paul”; no one would ever make the
connection…
Ananias: Better… but… no.
Saul: Well, then, what can I do to convince the Christians that I’m no longer trying to
hunt down, arrest, imprison, prosecute and summarily execute them?
Ananias: Well, you could try getting rid of the swords.
Saul: Hmm? Oh! (tosses away swords from belt)
Ananias: And then you could try releasing all the Christians whom you’ve arrested and
imprisoned.
Saul: Oh. Right! (Saul runs over and releases kids and adults from “prison.”) You’re
free! You’re free from prison. And I’m free from the prison of my own hatred, of my
own religious small-mindedness. In fact, the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has
set us all free from the law of sin and death! (pauses) Hey! I should write that down in a
letter too!
Ananias: But before you do that, Saul… Paul?
Saul: Paul, now… I think.
Ananias: Right… Paul. Before you write any letters, Paul, you must first proclaim the
name of Jesus, starting in Jerusalem, the very same city where you and the priests
conspired to destroy the Christians. That above all else will convince the church that
your faith is real.
Paul: Yes, you’re right. And you know what’s funny? Even though I persecuted the
church, the grace of God is so filling my heart that I don’t even feel guilty about it. In
fact, I don’t feel guilty about anything!
Ananias: That’s how grace works, Paul. God doesn’t call us just so we can feel guilty
for our failings and shortcomings; God calls us so we can know his love and joy in our
lives and share it with others!
Paul: We really should write this stuff down in a letter.
Ananias: Time enough for that, Paul; time enough for that.
(Paul and Ananias walk out. Annas and Caiaphas walk in.)
Annas: (peeved) Did you hear what happened with Saul, our secret agent man?
Caiaphas: Yep. (gestures in frustration) Lost another one to Jesus. (spoken like that guy
in the “Di-tech” commercials)
(Annas and Caiaphas walk out.)
(Song “Secret Agent Man” starts playing)
(All walk back in to thank kids for coming to Vacation Bible School)