Download 1 Chapter 8 Communicating About Sex

Chapter 8
Communicating About Sex
For use with the text,
Human Sexuality Today,
5th edition.
Bruce M. King
Slides by Callista Lee
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King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Talking with your partner about sex
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Good communication leads to a better
relationship, and a better relationship generally
leads to better sex.
Gender differences in communication are not
as great as popular books suggest.
Because sexual behaviors are learned, anyone
can become an “expert” if that person is willing
to read, try new behaviors, listen and ask for
direction, and learn as well as teach.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Getting used to talking about sex
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Discuss related topics in the news.
Talk about why it is difficult to talk about sex.
Discuss when and how each of you will be
most comfortable talking about sex.
Develop a shared vocabulary.
Accentuate the positive rather than the
negative.
Positive reinforcement (praise) is a powerful
motivator for behavior change.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Complaints, needs and desires
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Take responsibility for your own pleasure
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Use “I” language to focus on feelings & desires
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You must tell your partner what you want if you
expect to get what you want.
Before criticizing your partner, be aware of your
motivations. Do you want to hurt or help?
Avoid accusations
Focus on what you do want
Be specific
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Learning about each other
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Self-disclosure builds understanding and trust
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Use open-ended vs. yes-or-no questions
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Where? How? When? What?
Give your partner permission to talk about
difficult topics
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Learning about your partner begins with what you
share with your partner
Know yourself first and use “I” language
Promise to listen, respect, and remain calm
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Listening verbally and nonverbally
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Pay attention with all of your senses.
Provide feedback to your partner to be sure
you understood what was said; paraphrase.
Massage is pleasurable listening practice.
Rather than assuming what is meant by
nonverbal body language, ask if you
understand correctly.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Coping with conflicts
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Couples who display mutual constructive
communication are much more likely to survive
conflicts than couples who avoid or display the
“demand/withdraw” pattern of communication.
Rather than demand/withdraw, express to your
partner how you are hurting (frustrated, angry,
etc.) – own your feelings with “I” language and
allow him/her to see who and how you are.
Avoid blaming; just express your feelings.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
What successful couples do
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They do not allow their partners to suffer alone.
They take responsibility for their own pleasure
rather than blaming one another.
They have a ratio of at least 5 positive
interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
They self-disclose, listen actively and use “I”
language.
They agree to disagree when conflicts cannot
be solved.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Talking with your kids about sex
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Sexual learning begins in infancy and
continues throughout childhood and
adolescence.
Most sexual learning is informal and is
received from family, friends, the media and
the rest of the environment.
Not discussing sex is, itself, a communication
about sexuality.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Who provides sex education?
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As children reach their teen years, their peers
and the media (primarily television) become
their primary sources of sexual information.
The vast majority of American adults favor sex
education in schools.
Mothers are more likely than fathers to provide
information about sex and to attempt to open
communication about sex in the family.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Why talk to kids about sex?
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When parents talk comfortably with teens
about sexual risks (and use of condoms), teens
are more likely to talk with their partners about
sexual risks and to actually use condoms.
Sex education in school does not lead to any
increase in sexual behavior, pregnancy or
STDs among teens, contrary to the fears of
some adults.
Talking to your kids is your opportunity to share
your values about sexuality with them.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Things parents should consider
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Communication about sexuality should be
lifelong; avoid the single “birds & bees” talk.
Understanding about the other sex in childhood
paves the way for good communication
between men and women in adulthood.
Whatever their age, teach respect for oneself
and for others.
Discussions should always be age-appropriate.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Advice for parents
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There is no need to deny that sex is
pleasurable (plus, if you do, you’ve lost your
credibility); and scare tactics can cause lasting
harm without providing much of a benefit.
Discuss – never lecture – become “askable”
and “accepting.”
Use informal opportunities to bring up sexually
related matters (TV, comments by friends, etc.)
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
What should children know
and when should they know it? (1)
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Ages 3-5 – Correct names of body parts; they
have a right to say “no” to unwanted physical
affection; respect for privacy.
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Ages 6-9 – Self-esteem (your body is special);
basics of reproduction; touching sexual body
parts is done in private; good hygiene; nonstereotyped gender roles.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
What should children know
and when should they know it? (2)
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Ages 9-13 – What to expect in puberty; sexual
feelings are normal; children are not ready for
sexual relationships; sex is not just for
reproduction; physical appearance does not
determine a person’s value; recognizing sexual
abuse; encouragement to talk with parents
about sexuality even when opinions differ.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
What should children know
and when should they know it? (3)
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Ages 13-15 – It is normal to have sexual
feelings and fantasies; the size of one’s penis
or breasts does not determine whether they will
be a good sexual partner; love is not the same
as sexual attraction; young teens are not ready
for sexual relationships; peer pressure and
how to say “no” or disagree with friends;
awareness of exploitive relationships; basics of
reproductive health; establishing values.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
What should children know
and when should they know it? (4)
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Ages 15-18 – People of all ages are sexual
beings; sexuality is just one part of your
personality; how to integrate sexuality into
one’s value system; how to communicate
sexual feelings without intercourse;
contraceptive methods; responsibilities of
parenthood; understanding that long-term
commitments require work; sexual exploitation
among adolescents; communicating feelings
honestly.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
How parents affect their
kids’ behaviors and morality
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You are the primary role model for your child’s
adult behaviors…in your communications, in your
displays of affection and in your lifestyle.
Global moralities – “It is always wrong to have sex
before marriage.”
Situational ethics – “We strongly prefer that you
not have sex, but if you do anyway, it is important
that you use condoms.”
Teens respond best to parents who discuss rather
than preach or dictate.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall
Ethnic and gender differences
in communication patterns
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Differences between men and women often
reflect social power differences; the greater the
economic and social equality, the more open
and direct the communication about sexuality.
A dominating style of communication, common
in some cultures, leads to fewer questions from
children and teens report less satisfaction in
communications with parents so they seek
information from others more often.
King, Human Sexuality Today, 5/e © 2005 by Prentice Hall