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& Conflict
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Aarold Bennett
Intro: Aarold J. Bennett
 M.E. Conflict Campus Ambassador
 Certified Business Coach
 IBM Diversity Committee
 Grassroots Golf Association
 NBA Raptors
Communication
 Assertiveness
 Barriers to
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Communication
Sending clear messages
Body Language
Active Listening
How to Present
Communication:
Assertiveness
 Assertiveness skills are
essential to create forward
movement, sometimes
under difficult or
emotionally heightened
situations.
 To be assertive means
being aware of feelings,
wants and opinions, then
having the confidence and
tools to appropriately and
clearly express them.
Communication:
Assertiveness
 Assertiveness is a particular
mode of communication.
 a form of behavior characterized
by a confident declaration or
affirmation of a statement
without need of proof;
 this affirms the person's rights
or point of view without either
aggressively threatening the
rights of another (assuming a
position of dominance) or
submissively permitting another
to ignore or deny one's rights or
point of view.
Communication:
Assertiveness
 a person cannot be both assertive and anxious at the
same time, and thus being assertive would prevent
anxiety.
Communication:
Assertiveness
 The goals of assertiveness training
include:
 increased awareness of personal rights
 differentiation between non-
assertiveness and assertiveness
 differentiation between passive–
aggressiveness and aggressiveness
 learning both verbal and non-verbal
assertiveness skills.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Aggressive
 ag·gres·sive
 adjective1.characterized by or tending toward un
provoked offensives,
attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly forward
or
menacing: aggressive acts against a neighboring




country.
making an allout effort to win or succeed; competitive: an
aggressive basketball player.
vigorously energetic, especially in the use of initi
ative and forcefulness: an aggressive salesperson.
boldly assertive and forward; pushy: an aggressiv
e driver.
emphasizing maximum growth and capital gains
over quality,
security, and income: an aggressive mutual fund.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
 Passive aggressive behaviour takes many
forms but can generally be described as a
non-verbal aggression that manifests in
negative behavior.
 It is where you are angry with someone but
do not or cannot tell them. Instead of
communicating honestly when you feel
upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed
you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut
off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious
changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky
or put up a stone wall.
 It may also involve indirectly resisting
requests from others by evading or creating
confusion around the issue. Not going along
with things. It can either be covert
(concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant
and obvious).
Communication:
Assertiveness vs. Passive-Aggressive
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or
others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel

When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can
feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You
may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear
idea what it was

It avoids communication in a very negative way

It creates insecurity in all parties

It creates a bad atmosphere between people

It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot
engage sensibly in the issues

It avoids the real issues

It creates negative feelings and resentments in an
unassertive way
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Some examples of passive aggression might be:
 Non-Communication when there is clearly
something problematic to discuss
 Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you
feel you cannot speak calmly
 Evading problems and issues, burying an angry
head in the sand
 Procrastinating intentionally putting off
important tasks for less important ones
 Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an
event or process of change
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
 Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be
seen as better at something
 Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in
conversations
 Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get
attention or sympathy.
 Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and
their expectations
 Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for
others to punish in some way
 Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive
aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately
involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the
relationship
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not
doing things
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Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a
situation will turn the tables to become the victim and
will behave like one

Self-Pity the poor me scenario

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to
take responsibility for your own actions or being able to
take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex,
cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a
bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to
the other party

Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts
like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a
poor job of something for which they are often explicitly
responsible
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
 Passive aggression might be seen as a
defence mechanism that people use to
protect themselves. It might be
automatic and might stem from early
experiences.
 What they are protecting themselves
from will be unique and individual to
each person; although might include
underlying feelings of rejection, fear,
mistrust, insecurity and/or low selfesteem.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
 Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have
been learnt in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a
response to parents who may have been too controlling or
not allowing their child to express their thoughts and
feelings freely.
 To cope, a child might adopt a
passive-aggressive behavior
pattern.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
 For example if a child was ridiculed, put-down or punished for
openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents
the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive
resistance - agreeing with what mum or dad said in order to be a
“good child” or not speaking out honestly or at all.
 If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment
asserting
or rejection for
themselves the child would
learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling.
 An example of a child rebelling might be around toilet training,
withdrawing from family conversation, choosing subjects at
school to please parents and then not working hard, around
eating and mealtimes - all causing worry and upset to the
parents who may have no idea their behaviour is a contributory
cause to the problem.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Passive Aggression in the Workplace
 In the workplace a passive-aggressive employee or
employer may use these techniques as a form of
control and/or intimidation.
 The worker might sulk, make faces, scowl inwardly
when given jobs to do or may agree politely and
then take ages to do them. By doing so, he they are
showing annoyance in the hope they will not be
asked to do those tasks again.
 Employers can also use passive aggression when
confronted with employee problems, turning a
blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine
cases of bullying and intimidation. This avoidant
behaviour can be very damaging to individuals and
teams of individuals within organisations.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive
behaviour
 Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviours:
 Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behaviour
 Become aware of the impacts of your behaviour and how your desire to
defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further
uncomfortable feelings for yourself
 Take responsibility for your actions and reactions
 Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an
overall objective view of the situation
 Learn to be
assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to
your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and
truth and strengthen your relationships
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive
behaviour (continued...)
Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to your
thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth
and strengthen your relationships
Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:

Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to be
understanding towards your partner

Explain to your partner how their behaviour towards you is affecting
you. Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you
feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the
situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your
behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”.
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Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame
yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others
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Be honest about your part in the situation
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If the aggressive behaviour of others continues to affect you in a
negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you
will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life
in a positive way.
Communication:
Assertive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Communication:
Assertiveness
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise
brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).
Communication:
Barriers and Strategies
 While there are many subtleties to communication
between people, some basic skills can help you to be a more
effective communicator.
 This section will explore:
 Barriers to Listening, and Strategies for Effective Listening;
 Barriers to Accurate Perception, and Strategies for Accurate
Perception;
 Barriers to Effective Verbal Communication, and Strategies
for Effective Verbal Communication.
Communication:
Barriers to Listening
 Focusing on a personal agenda. When we spend our listening
time formulating our next response, we cannot be fully attentive
to what the speaker is saying.
 Experiencing information overload. Too much stimulation or
information can make it very difficult to listen with full
attention. Try to focus on the relevant information, and the
central points that are being conveyed.
 Criticizing the speaker. Do not be distracted by critical
evaluations of the speaker. Focus on what they are saying - the
message - rather than the messenger.
Communication:
Barriers to Listening
 Getting distracted by emotional noise. We react emotionally to certain words,
concepts and ideas, and to a myriad of other cues from speakers (appearance, non-verbal
cues). Make a conscious effort to quiet your own emotional reactions so that you can
listen properly.
 Getting distracted by external “noise”. Audible noise may be extremely distracting.
Some things can be minimized – e.g., turn down the ringer on your phone, and the email
beep on the computer while meeting with someone. Other noises may be unavoidable –
e.g., construction, other people. Also, there may be figurative “noise” from the external
environment, such as distracting or inappropriate decor in a room, or environmental
conditions such as the room being too hot or cold.
 Experiencing physical difficulty. Feeling physically unwell, or experiencing pain can
make it very difficult to listen effectively. You may wish to communicate that this is not a
good time, and reschedule the discussion. Otherwise, you may just need to concentrate
even more on the task of listening.
Communication:
Strategies for Effective Listening

Stop. Focus on the other person, their thoughts and feelings. Consciously focus on quieting your own
internal commentary, and step away from your own concerns to think about those of the speaker. Give
your full attention to the speaker.

Look. Pay attention to non-verbal messages, without letting yourself be distracted. Notice body
language and non-verbal cues to allow for a richer understanding of the speaker’s point. However,
avoid getting distracted from the verbal message.

Listen. Listen for the essence of the speaker’s thoughts: details, major ideas and their meanings. Seek
an overall understanding of what the speaker is trying to communicate, rather than reacting to the
individual words or terms that they use to express themselves.
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Be empathetic. Imagine how you would feel in their circumstances. Be empathetic to the feelings of
the speaker, while maintaining a calm centre within yourself. You need not be drawn into all of their
problems or issues, as long as you acknowledge what they are experiencing.

Ask questions. Use questions to clarify your understanding, as well as to demonstrate interest in
what is being said.
Communication:
Barriers to Accurate Perception
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Stereotyping and generalizing. Be careful not to hold on to preconceptions about people or things. We often have a
tendency to see what we want to see, forming an impression from a small amount of information or one experience,
and assuming that to be highly representative of the whole person or situation.

Not investing time. Making assumptions and ignoring details or circumstances can lead to misconceptions. When we
fail to look in-depth for causes or circumstances, we miss important details, and do not allow for the complexity of the
situation.
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Having a distorted focus. Focusing on the negative aspects of a conversation or a situation is a habit common to
many people. Even though we may recognize the positive things, we often give more weight to the negative, allowing
one negative comment to overshadow numerous positive ones.
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Assuming similar interpretations. Not everyone will draw the same conclusions from a given situation or set of
information. Everybody interprets things differently. Make sure to check for other people’s interpretations, and be
explicit about your own.
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Experiencing incongruent cues. As speakers, and as listeners, we are constantly and simultaneously sending cues
and receiving them from other people. Try to be consistent with your verbal cues and your body language. Do not say
one thing and express something else through your body language. Be aware of how your non-verbal communication
relates to your spoken words. If someone else seems to be sending a double message -- by saying one thing and
expressing something else in their body language -- ask for clarification.
Communication:
Strategies for Accurate Perception
 Analyze your own perceptions. Question your perceptions, and think about
how they are formed. Check in with others around you regularly, and be aware
of assumptions that you are making. Seek additional information and
observations. You may just need to ask people if your perceptions are accurate.
 Work on improving your perception. Increase your awareness of barriers to
perception, and which ones you tend towards. Check in with yourself regularly.
Seek honest, constructive feedback from others regarding their perceptions of
you as a means of increasing your selfawareness.
 Focus on others. Develop your ability to focus on other people, and
understand them better by trying to gather knowledge about them, listening to
them actively, and imagining how you would feel in their situation.
Communication:
Barriers to Effective Verbal Communication

Lacking clarity. Avoid abstract, overly-formal language, colloquialisms, and jargon, which obscure your message more
than they serve to impress people.

Using stereotypes and generalizations. Speakers who make unqualified generalizations undermine their own
clarity and credibility. Be careful not to get stuck in the habit of using stereotypes, or making generalizations about
complex systems or situations. Another form of generalization is “polarization” or creating extremes. Try to be sensitive
to the complexities of situations, rather than viewing the world in black and white.

Jumping to conclusions. Confusing facts with inferences is a common tendency. Do not assume you know the
reasons behind events, or that certain facts necessarily have certain implications. Make sure you have all the
information you can get, and then speak clearly about the facts versus the meanings or interpretations you attach to
those.

Dysfunctional responses. Ignoring or not responding to a comment or question quickly undermines effective
communication. Likewise, responding with an irrelevant comment -- one that isn't connected to the topic at hand -will quash genuine communication. Interrupting others while they are speaking also creates a poor environment for
communication.

Lacking Confidence. Lacking confidence can be a major barrier to effective communication. Shyness, difficulty being
assertive, or lack of self-worth can hinder your ability to make your needs and opinions known. Also, a lack of
awareness of your own rights and opportunities in a given situation can prevent you from expressing your needs
openly.
Strategies for Effective Verbal
Communication

Focus on the issue, not the person. Try not to take everything personally, and similarly, express your own needs and opinions in terms of
the job at hand. Solve problems rather than attempt to control others. For example, rather than criticizing a co-worker’s personality, express
your concerns in terms of how to get the job done more smoothly in the future.

Be genuine rather than manipulative. Be yourself, honestly and openly. Be honest with yourself, and focus on working well with the
people around you, and acting with integrity.
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Empathize rather than remain detached. Although professional relationships entail some boundaries when it comes to interaction with
colleagues, it is important to demonstrate sensitivity, and to really care about the people you work with. If you don’t care about them, it will
be difficult for them to care about you when it comes to working together.
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Be flexible towards others. Allow for other points of view, and be open to other ways of doing things. Diversity brings creativity and
innovation.

Value yourself and your own experiences. Be firm about your own rights and needs. Undervaluing yourself encourages others to
undervalue you, too. Offer your ideas and expect to be treated well.
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Present yourself as an equal rather than a superior. Even when you are in a position of authority, focus on what you and the other
person each have to offer and contribute to the job or issue.
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Use affirming responses. Respond to other in ways that acknowledge their experiences. Thank them for their input. Affirm their right to
their feelings, even if you disagree. Ask questions, express positive feeling; and provide positive feedback when you can.
Sending Clear Messages
 The basic communication process includes the key
elements of someone sending a message, one or more
people receiving the message, and then giving
feedback that reflects their understanding of what was
said. The clarity and appropriateness of that initial
message determines the success or failure of the
communication.
 Effective communication is as important in the
workplace as it is in more intimate relationships. It is a
skill that can be learned and continually improved by
managers and employee at all levels of the
organization.
 There are three factors for the person sending the
message to consider. Although this appears to
complicate a simple, perhaps informal, interaction, the
results are worth the time spent thinking about what is
being said before any words are actually spoken.
Sending Clear Messages
Deciding How to Say the Message
 This sounds simple but is not always. It might be useful to consider the
following points in order to send an oral message effectively.
 Tone of voice being used. Some people have naturally gruff voices that turn
everything they say into an attack. Other people’s light voices make it difficult
to take them seriously. People with shrill voices sound nervous and excitable.
Although it is not easy to change a tone of voice without sounding phony, the
person sending the message should be aware of the impact of his tone of voice
and, perhaps, compensate with the words used and/or body language.
 Expressing emotions. There are appropriate emotions to show in the workplace
but there is also a line that can be crossed easily when enjoyment becomes
hurtful sarcasm, pleasure takes on too personal a tone, and sadness slides into
depression. Sometimes, too, the manager or a co-worker is so upset about
someone’s work that the emotion in his voice is overpowering the pertinent
message. Everyone should understand the impact of any emotional overlay to
his message and, perhaps, tone it down.
Sending Clear Messages
Deciding What to Say
For a message to be effective, the speaker must have a clear understanding of what she wants to say and
why she wants to say it.
Deciding what to say depends on:
 The purpose of the message. What is the intended outcome of the communication? Is it to share
important information that staff need to do their work? Is it just to open up an informal, friendly
chat? Is the message really a question to gather information? The answers to these questions
determine the scope, formality, and expectation of what is being said.

Who is receiving the message? If this is a communication between two co-workers, there might be
more informal content, based on opinions and untried ideas. An employee reporting to his boss on
the outcome of a project will probably be more formal, focused, and organized in what he says.

Any barriers like language problems, or cultural differences. For example, it is always best not to use
offensive or complicated language. A software specialist who is explaining a new program to the office
staff wants to make sure that what he is saying is simple, to the point, and useful. There are situations
in which the speaker wants to remember that staff from some cultures might be very uncomfortable
with certain language or messages.
Sending Clear Messages
Using Appropriate Body Language
 It is important that the body language is sending the same message as any words that are
spoken. We don’t even have to say a word in order to send a message. We communicate
non-verbally with the way we use our bodies.
 These messages are seen in facial expressions, eye contact, body posture, hand gestures
and even how and where a person stands or sits. There are many web sites with articles
and academic papers that explain in great detail how body language enhances or
distorts the message being sent.
 Because body language is not codified the same way as words, it is often open to
misinterpretation. For example, a large, male manager standing behind a woman at her
computer to explain something on the screen might think he is being helpful and
businesslike. She might see that looming body language as intimidation, no matter what
words come out of the manager’s mouth. Or, the words might sound like a reprimand,
but the body language says relaxed and friendly, sending the message that ‘what
happened was really okay but, as your manager, I have to tell you not to do that again’.
 This kind of mixed message is the reason that communication workshops usually have
videotaped practice sessions so people can see themselves as other see them.
Communication:
Body Language
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQENwD-QlRA