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Wanton Mechanics
…
Why won't Heisenbergs'
operators live in the suburbs?
• They don't commute
What is the difference between a
Quantum Theorist and a Beauty
Therapist?
• The Quantum Theorist uses
Planck's Constant as a
foundation, whereas the
Beauty Therapist uses Max
Factor.
What's the difference between
Max Factor and Quantum
Theorists?
• Max Factor has models that
work.
Pop PHD Qualifier Question
• Hamiltonian oracles are the continuum limit of the standard
unitary quantum oracles. In this limit, the problem of finding the
optimal query algorithm can be mapped into the problem of
finding shortest paths on a manifold. Prove this trivially:
Willamette Hall
Second Floor
What did one photon say to the
other photon?
• I'm sick and tired of your
interference.
Why do soccer club Fermi and
club Bose never play a match
against each other?
• They can't agree about the
spin of the ball.
A small furry mammal walks
into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says,
"Sorry, our occupancy is only
6.02*1020."
We can't serve a mole.
Prof: Some experimentalists
have proposed using Krypton gas
in scintillation detectors.
• Grad Student: Won't that
scare away the
superstrings?
How many quantum
mechanicians does it take to
change a light bulb?
• They can't. If they know
where the socket is, they
cannot locate the new bulb.
How many experimental high
energy physics graduate
students does it take to change a
light bulb.
• One – but it takes them 10
years to complete this PHD
thesis.
How many quantum physicists
does it take to change a light
bulb?
• None, once they have
observed it is out it has
already changed.
Mrs. Schroedinger to
Mr. Schroedinger:
What the hell did you do
to the cat?
It looks half dead!
Heisenberg is stopped by a
traffic cop who asks:
"Do you know how fast you
were going?"
Heisenberg replies: "No,
but I know exactly where I
am"
If a professor asks you where that
Assignment is that you just didn't do,
just say that you know
It’s momentum so precisely that it
could be
almost anywhere in the universe.
Global Warming
The Heineken Uncertainty
Principle:
• You can never be sure how
many beers you had last night