Download Couples therapy

Couples Therapy
The relationship as the client
Post WW-II history of marriage
 Economics


Shift in type of work due to industrialization
Necessity of dual incomes
 Technology



Industrialization
Transportation
Birth control
 Social Norms (next slide)
The change in social norms
 Shift from external, role-oriented criteria (e.g., good worker,
provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction.
 Studies of changing themes in popular magazine articles about
marriage since the '50s document increased emphasis on selfdevelopment, flexible and negotiable roles, and open
communication about problems. Surveys show similarly dramatic
changes in criteria for "marital satisfaction".
 These changes reflect increases in individualism and our
standard of living, as well as improved contraceptive methods
and greater availability of abortions.
 Could you conceive of staying in a marriage unless you're happy?
Current statistics
 The American divorce rate has increased dramatically
since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s).
 Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and
the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher.
Median duration is 7.2 years.
 More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since
1974).
 Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed
marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today.
 Barely half of couples report significant improvement from
therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -and a third of those who improve have problems later on
(Bray & Jouriles).
Characteristics of “happy” couples
Tolstoy’s adage:
“All happy families are alike, but
unhappy marriages are unhappy
in their own way.”
 Characteristics (John Gottman)





foundation of affection and friendship
"validation sequences“
ability to resolve disagreements
“positive sentiment override”
 a 5 to 1(or better) compliment-criticism ratio is optimal
 as the ratio decreases, marriage satisfaction decreases
Amount of conflict relatively unimportant (all relationships have conflict)
Distressed couples (Gottman cont.)
 Engage in a wide range of
destructive fighting techniques



Personal attacks (name calling)
Dredging up the past
Losing focus (…and the “kitchen sink”)
 Tend to resort to the "four horsemen of
the apocalypse“ [video]




Criticism (more common in women)
Defensiveness
Withdrawal/stonewalling (more common in men)
Contempt
Couples’ interaction styles (Gottman cont.)

Three ways of understanding couples’ interaction styles:
 Validating (optimal)





the 5 to 1 ratio (optimal)
respect partner's opinions and emotions
compromise often
resolve problems to mutual satisfaction
Volatile
 arguments, conflict may or may not be resolved
 Vacillate between heated arguments and
passionate reconciliation


Avoiding – do not deal with problems (agree to disagree)
Compatibility of interaction styles sometimes more
predictive of relationship success than the style itself
Differences between couple work
and individual work
 People in the room
 Trust
 Confidentiality
 Pace
Assessment
 Three main parts



Couple history
Individual history
Behavioral sample
Goals of therapy

The most-studied form of couple therapy -- CBT Marital Therapy
 Help partners negotiate behavior change
 Teach more effective communication skills (e.g., active listening, how to argue)
 Examine specific conflict themes and the associated stories/beliefs

Gottman (microskills)
 Avoid the 4 horsemen and other forms of destructive fighting
 Focus on and encourage “positive sentiment override”

Latest research findings
 Improving "communication skills" may not be the key to resolving many couple
problems (Baucom; Burleson & Denton).
 Good will between partners may be more important than good
communication skills
 Good language and communication skills can even make bad marriages
worse (e.g., keeps problem salient)

Several promising new approaches
 Acceptance therapy (aims to interrupt partners' attempts to change each other)
 Solution-focused therapy (aims to identify exceptions to the problem and
reinforce strengths in the couple's relationship)
Therapeutic techniques
 Maintain balanced approach
(don’t show favoritism)
 Have members of the couple
talk to each other, not the
therapist
 Anticipate backsliding (habits
are hard to change)
Evaluations
Strategies
Feelings
Needs
NVC Model
NVC MODEL
Evaluations
APPLIED TO
SCENARIO 1
Disorganized
Strategies
Doesn’t care
Frown
Feelings
Make
promise
to self
Incompetent
Jerk
Untimely
Disappointed
Anxious
Needs
Trust, Respect
Productivity
Demand
apology
Angry
Untrustworthy
Annoyed
Threaten
Frustrated
Avoid
Selfish
Use
sarcasm
Speak in clipped tones
Clueless
Express
feelings
Rude
NVC MODEL
Evaluations
Disorganized
Strategies
Doesn’t care
Frown
Feelings
Make
promise
to self
Incompetent
Jerk
Untimely
Disappointed
Anxious
Needs
Trust, Respect
Productivity
Demand
apology
Angry
Annoyed
Threaten
Frustrated
Avoid
Selfish
Use
sarcasm
Speak in clipped tones
Clueless
Express
feelings
Rude
The goal of Nonviolent Communication is to:
-- listen beyond Strategies and Evaluations to the Needs underneath
-- speak to the Needs of those involved
-- create strategies that meet everyone’s needs (no compromise)
Evaluations
Strategies
Feelings
Needs
NVC Intimate Communication Makeover
Evaluations
Criticisms
Judgments
Self-blame
Guilt
Shame
Demands
Coercion
Threats
Observations
Needs-based empathy
Needs-based honesty
Needs-based self-reflection
Regret, Mourning
Self Acceptance
Needs-based requests
NVC Makeover Components (some definitions)
Observations: Describing a behavior or event without evaluation words, just as a videocamera would show it.
E: “I notice your car is in the middle of the driveway”
Needs Based Empathy: Connecting to and being present with the needs of the other (their
hopes, wants, what might be important to them).
E: “Were you hoping to make your life a little easier by not having to deal with bushes?”
M: “Are you feeling frustrated b/c we talked about this last time and it happened again?”
Needs Based Honesty: Sharing your own needs without blame or expectation - when the
other person is truly ready to hear you.
E: “It’s important to me that I can count on you following through with agreements so that
I can trust you and count on you.”
Needs-based Self-Reflection: Connecting to and being present with your immediate, as well
as “larger” needs (hopes, wants, what is important to you).
M [internal dialogue]: I’m feeling annoyed because I want the trust between us to be
strong enough to resist small failures to follow through.
Needs-based Requests: Clear communication about a strategy that would help meet a need
of yours (different from a demand)
What might a request look like?
Role play with Rosenberg
Class Demonstration?
Further Resources
Center for Nonviolent Communication
www.cnvc.org (includes workshop schedule, trainer info, and
complete list of books and videos)
Conflict Hotline (live role plays with NVC coach)
www.youtube.com (type in “conflict hotline”)
NVC Academy (telecourses, audio-courses, and free materials)
www.nvctraining.com