Download Effective Parent-Child Communication

Effective Parent-Child
Communication
Theo A. Cope, Ph.D.
Psychologist & Positive Psychotherapist
Father & Grandfather
Outline
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Communication is…
Models of communication
I’m the parent!
I feel what you’re saying
I hear what you’re saying
How to talk & listen to your child & teen
‘The problem with
communication
is the illusion
that it has occurred.
George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950
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The Nature of Communication
Communication is a process in which people who
occupy differing environments exchange messages in a
specific context via one or more channels and often
respond to each other’s messages through verbal and
nonverbal feedback.
The Nature of Communication
The Process of Communication
– Sender
– Message
– Encoding
– Channel
– Receiver
– Decoding
– Feedback
– Noise
I FEEL WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
4 Parts of Our Emotions
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Physiological Changes
Nonverbal Reactions
Cognitive Interpretations
Verbal Expression
Nonverbal Reactions
External bodily changes
such as:
• Blushing or
• Perspiring
Behavioral changes
such as:
• Facial expression
• Posture
• Gestures
• Vocal tone
• Rate of Speech
What Influences Our Emotions?
• Personality
• Culture
• Biological Sex and
Gender
• Social Conventions
• Social Roles
• Imagination
• Expectations
• Fear of SelfDisclosure
• Emotional Contagion:
“emotions are
infectious”
Managing Difficult Emotions
• Facilitative Emotions:
Contribute to effective
functioning.
• Debilitative Emotions:
Hinder or prevent
effective interpersonal
communication.
I’M THE PARENT!
Parental Styles (Baumrind)
• Authoritarian parenting
– High parental control with little warmth
• Authoritative parenting
– A fair degree of parental control with being
warm and responsive to children
• Indulgent-permissive parenting
– Warmth and caring but little parental control
• Indifferent-uninvolved parenting
– Neither warmth nor control
Parental Control
• Parents’ efforts to supervise and monitor
their children’s behavior
• Effective control
– Setting standards that are appropriate for the
child’s age
– Showing the child how to meet the standards
– Rewarding the child for complying to these
standards
Parental Control
• Parents should enforce the standards
consistently
– Children and adolescents are more compliant
when parents enforce the rules regularly
• Effective control is also based on good
communication
– Parents should explain why they’ve set standards
and why they reward or punish as they do
I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING
Will you please ‘listen’!
BUT WILL YOU REALLY LISTEN??
Qualities of Active Listeners
Desire to be
“other-directed”
No desire to
protect yourself
Desire to imagine
the experience of
the other
Desire to
understand,
not critique
ACTIVE LISTENING
Body Language
Open-Ended
Questions
Repeat Content
Acknowledge
Feelings
Don’t Judge
Be Quiet
HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL
LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS
WILL TALK
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Harper Collins.
HOW TO TALK SO TEENS WILL
LISTEN & LISTEN SO TEENS
WILL TALK
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (2005). New York: Harper Collins.
Help Them Deal With Their Feelings
• Accept their feelings.
• Listen with full attention.
• Acknowledge their feelings with a
word – “Oh,” “Mmm” or “I see.”
– Non-judgmental listening
• Give their feelings a name.
– “I can see you’re frustrated (angry,
hurt)...”
Help Them Deal With Their Feelings
• Give them their wishes in fantasy.
– “I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll
bet you wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead.”
• When you give a feeling a name, also be
specific.
– To show empathy – that you understand.
– Don’t say, “I understand…” because you
probably don’t.
– Respond with “The movie was a little scary in
the part where the transformer was blown
up.”
To Engage a Child’s Cooperation
• Instead of ordering, describe what you
see, or describe the problem.
– “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”
• Describe what you feel.
– ‘I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.“
• Give information.
– “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”
• Offer a choice
– “Would you rather pick up the towel now
or wash the blanket later?”
To Engage a Child’s Cooperation
• Say it with a word.
– “The towel!”
• State your values and/or expectations.
– “I expect you to put things where they belong
just like we all need to do.”
• Write a note.
– “Please put me back so I can dry.”
Instead of Punishment
• Express your feelings strongly—without
attacking character.
– “I” statements, not “you” statements.
– “I’m furious my tools were left out all night!”
• State your expectations.
– “I expect my tools to be put back after they’re
borrowed.”
• Show how to make amends.
– “What these tools need now is a little steel wool
and a lot of elbow grease.”
• Give the child a choice (consequences).
– “You can borrow my tools and return them, or
you can give up the privilege of using them.
Your choice.”
• Take action to follow through on
consequences.
– Child: “Why is the tool box locked.”
– Father: “You tell me why.”
• Problem solve.
– “What can we work out so that you can use
my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll
be sure they’re there when I need them?”
Praise and Self-Esteem
• Describe what you see.
– “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books
lined up on the shelf.”
• Specificity is important to give useful feedback and
to show that you are not brushing them off and that
you thought about it.
• Describe what you feel.
– “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
Praise and Self-Esteem
• Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior
with a word.
– “You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens
and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I
call organization!”
• Give the praiseworthy behavior a name.
• Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic.
– You must be honest and authentic so you don’t
interfere with a child’s desire for
accomplishment.
Praise and Self-Esteem
• Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m
so proud of you.”
– Use “you” statements such as “What an
achievement. You must be so proud of
yourself!”
• Point out what they do right.
– Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them
from trying.
– Reward with praise and recognition.
Working It Out Together
• Step 1: Invite your
child to give their
point of view.
• Step 2: State your
point of view.
• Step 3: Invite your
child to brainstorm
with you.
• Step 4: Write down all
ideas—without
evaluating.
• Step 5: Review your
list and decide which
ideas you want to put
into action.
SUMMARY
• Effective communication takes practice,
patience and more patience
• There are ways to model communication,
but it’s also a dance of mind & heart
between the sender & receiver in many
contexts.
• There are skills parents can learn about
how to listen & talk to their children and
have their children to listen & talk to them.
Effective Parent-Child
Communication
Theo A. Cope, Ph.D.
Psychologist & Positive Psychotherapist
Father & Grandfather
• http://www.learntospeakkid.com/
• http://kidsthemanual.com/