Download That, who, and which clauses into phrases - UCSD Blink

Exercise
Rewrite the questions, putting them in active voice and deleting unnecessary words.
1. The Mail Services Department is responsible for processing incoming, outgoing, intra-campus,
and student mail in support of the UCSD Campus community.
2. Before the previous quarter was over in June, the UC budget for next year had been approved
by the Office of the President itself.
3. The ten-year plan was developed by a student representative group after consultation with the
UC Regents and a faculty group.
UCSD
CAMPUS NOTICE
University of California, San Diego
OFFICE OF THE CHANCELLOR
November 10, 2009
ALL ACADEMICS AND STAFF AT UCSD
ALL STUDENTS AT UCSD
SUBJECT: UC San Diego Celebration of International Education Week 2009
I am pleased to announce and encourage faculty, staff and students to participate in International
Education Week from November 16 - 20, 2009.
The purpose of these activities is to celebrate the benefits of international education and exchange
worldwide. The week is dedicated to enhancing international awareness across UC San Diego, as well as
to reinforcing the importance of the exchange of students and scholars across borders. Details and a
complete schedule of events can be viewed
at: http://iew.ucsd.edu/iew/calendar.html
In recognition of this annual event, I am approving one hour of administrative leave with pay that
employees may apply to their attendance at an International Education Week event. Supervisors are
asked to allow employees one hour of administrative leave with pay to attend an International
Education Week event when the absence does not infringe upon the performance of required job duties
or patient care.
Inquiries regarding the events may be directed to Dulce Dorado, Director of International Student Office
(858-534-3730 or [email protected]), or Christi Gilhoi, Director of International House (858-822-2215
or [email protected]).
Marye Anne Fox
Chancellor
Avoiding Wordiness—The Red Flag List
Participles
In most circumstances, you can avoid the use of participles. Always try to shoot for the simple tense of a
verb. Participles include:
have, had, will, will have, should to name a few.
Have/ had—Simple past
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If you have had someone book travel for you…
If someone booked travel for you
Will—Simple present
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When you click OK, a new window will open.
When you click OK, a new window opens.
Should—Simple present
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Departments should check peak times before going to the Campus Card office.
Check peak times before going to the Campus Card office.
Prepositions
Circle the Prepositions. Too many prepositions can drain all the action out of a sentence. Get rid of the
prepositions, and find a strong active verb to make the sentence direct:
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
In this passage is an example of the use of the rule of justice in argumentation.
This passage exemplifies argumentation using the rule of justice.
Verbs instead of noun clauses
Verbs give your writing more impact than heavy-sounding noun phrases.
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Use "discuss" instead of "have a discussion"
“Have a meeting" (meet)
"Give consideration to" (consider)
"Be of concern to" (concern)
That, who, and which clauses into phrases
Using a clause to convey meaning that could be presented in a phrase or even a word contributes to
wordiness. Convert modifying clauses into phrases or single words when possible:
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The report, which was released recently… vs. The recently released report
All applicants who are interested in the job must… vs. All job applicants must
The system that is most efficient and accurate... vs. The most efficient and accurate system.
Other keywords include:
Not—Often times when “not” is used, there’s one word that can replace what it’s negating:
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If your group is not eligible…
If your group is ineligible…
To be—Avoid any form of the verb, “to be.” This is passive tense and we want to make our language
action-oriented.
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Once the form is filled out…
Once you fill out the form…
Complete the form and…
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A campus ID card is required for parking permit requests.
Parking Services requires a campus ID card for parking permit requests.
Checkpoints for Web Writing
1. Context and placement
 Doesn’t repeat existing content (links to it instead)
 Has a logical home (taxonomy, navigation, etc.)
 In the correct template (for Blink and TritonLink)
2. Title
 First three words are “information carrying”
Examples: Hazing and Student Organizations, Connecting to Campus Workstations
 Either conveys a topic (Grade, Staff in Memoriam) or implies an action (Changing a Grade,
Reclassifying a Staff Position)
3. Main Message
 For a defined audience and addressed to that audience
 Answers what the audience wants to know
 High on the page (in summary box for Blink pages)
 Contains actionable content
4. Subheads
 Use keywords
 Work together to summarize page
 Sized in order of importance
5. Paragraphs
 Arranged in order of importance (inverted pyramid)
 As short as possible – no more than 50 words, 5 lines, or 4 sentences
6. Sentences
 As short as possible – 25 words or fewer
 No unnecessary words or phrases
 Most important sentence first in each paragraph
7. Style
 Uses active voice
 Addresses the reader (you) as much as possible
 Sounds conversational if read aloud
 Uses digits for all numbers
 Bullet lists are consistent (all phrases or all sentences, capitalization, etc.)
8. Format
 Easy to scan and visually appealing
 Half as long as similar printed material
 Linked words are information carrying (not “click here”)
Recommended Resources
UCSD:

Working With Portal Services
 http://blink.ucsd.edu/go/SME
 Includes this class PowerPoint and links to pages about writing and organizing for Blink
and TritonLink

UCSD Web Editorial Style Guide
o http://blink.ucsd.edu/go/styleguide
Usability and writing experts:
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Gerry McGovern
 “Killer Web Content” book
 Subscribe to New Thinking e-mail newsletter: http://www.gerrymcgovern.com
Jakob Nielsen
 Useit.com
 Subscribe to Alertbox newsletter: http://www.useit.com/alertbox
Janice Redish
 “Letting Go of the Words” book
 http://redish.net/writingfortheweb
Other resources:

Usability.gov