Download One of the most destructive forces that occurs in families is

Oneofthemostdestructiveforcesthatoccursinfamiliesisemotionalreactivity.
AtMainstreamweareveryawareofthisandweworktohelpfamilieschangethis.
JimPiekarski,MFT,haswrittenabookdevotedtothistopic.
Hereisanexcerptfromhisbook:
MasteringYourEmotions:7StepstoTransformingEmotionalReactivity
WithYourSpouseandOthers
Wethinkyouwillfindthishelpful!
Belowisalistofthemostcommonfaultycommunications.Reviewthelistandask
yourselfifyoucommunicateinanyoftheseways.Don’tbedisappointedifyouidentify
withmanyofthembecauseeveryoneusesthematsometimeintheirlives.Thesemethods
ofcommunicatingaredestructiveandencouragehurt,defensivenessandresentment.By
identifyingandeliminatingthem,wecanopenthewaytohealthycommunicationand
reduceemotionalreactivity.
1.
Discounting:Weundermineanother’sfeelings,pointofview,orwhatthey
findimportant.“Howcouldyoufeelthat?”,or“Ican’tbelieveyoulike
countrymusic,”discountstheirfeelings.Rollingyoureyesinresponseis
alsohurtful.
2.
Putdowns,namecalling,andlabeling:Wemakeapersonalattackon
someone’scharacterratherthanfocusontheother’sbehavior.“You’rejust
lazy.”“Youcan’tdoanythingright.”Callingnamesisnotappropriateunless
thenameisbothaffectionateandwelcomedbytheperson.
3.
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Sarcasm:Thisisaput‐downusingvoicetone,exaggeration,etc.
4.
Silenceaspunishment:Wemanipulateothersbynottalkingtothemand
bywithdrawing.
5.
Leavingthescene:Weabandoncommunicationwithothers,without
excusingourselvesorwithoutmakinganappointmenttimeinthefutureto
talkabouttheproblem.
6.
Bringinguppasthistory:Werubtheotherperson’snoseintheirpast
deeds.Wetriggertheotherpersontofeelbadaboutthemselves.Veryfew
peoplearestrongenoughtohearmorethanonenegativeatatime.The
onlytimeitisappropriatetobringupanotherperson’spasthistoryis
whenwehavepermissionfromthemandthereisaspiritoflearningfrom
thesepastevents.
7.
Needingtoberightandnotbeingabletosaywe’resorry:Wedonot
takeresponsibilityforouractions.Pastconflictsbecomedifficultto
resolve.
8.
Denialoffeelings:Wetellotherswearenotangry,upset,orhurt,when
weobviouslyare.
9.
Makingassumptions:Weassumewhatanother’sintentions,feelingsor
thoughtsare.Wecommunicatetheseassumptionsasiftheywerefacts
withoutcheckingthemout.
10.
Defensiveness:Insteadoflisteningandrespondingtocriticism,wedeny
orcounterattack.
11.
Martyrdom:Weblameourmiseryonsomebodyelseorsufferinsilence.
Weplaythevictim.
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12.
Notlistening:Wedon’tfocusonwhattheotherissaying.Weinterrupt,
finishtheirsentences,thinkaboutourowncounter‐arguments,orwejust
ignorethembyspacingout.
13.
Crosscomplaining:Werespondtoacomplaintbybringingupanother
complaintinretaliation.
14.
Fixingtheother:Werushintogivingtheotherpersonsolutionsrather
thanlisteningtothem.
15.
Arguingoverthefacts:Wedonotfocusontheunderlyingfeelingsand
concernsthatarethebasisforthedisagreement.
16.
Holdingback:Wedon’tsharehowwearefeelingorwhatwereallywant.
Thiscreatesdistanceinourrelationships.
17.
Stayinginthenegative:Weexpressourresentmentandcriticism,butdo
notexpressourlove,appreciation,orgivecompliments.
18.
Using“always”or“never”:Whendescribingotherpeople’sbehavior,
thereareusuallymanyexceptions.
19.
Justifying:Wejustifyourabusivebehaviororhurtfulcommunication.We
makeexcusesratherthantakeresponsibility.Thereisnojustificationfor
hurtfulactionsandpoorcommunication.
20.
Badgering:Werepeatandbringupthesamethingsoverandoveragain,
orwedonotletanotherpersonexcusethemselvesfromanargument.
Neitherpersonhastheopportunitytocalmdownandcollectthemselves.
21.
Intimidation:Weuseangerandaloudtoneofvoicetogetourwaywith
others.
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22.
“You”language:Wefocusourdiscussionontheotherperson,ratherthan
talkaboutourownfeelingsandconcerns.
23.
Nottellingthewholetruthaboutourfeelings:Weexpressouranger,
butnottheothermorevulnerableemotionsthataccompanytheanger,
suchashurt,fear,andshame.Orwejustdisplayourpositivefeelings,
neverconfrontingmorepainfulissueswiththeotherperson.
24.
Notbeingspecific:Wedonotgiveothersfeedbackaboutspecific
behaviorsthataredifficultforus.Theotherpersonremainsconfused
aboutwhatchangeisneeded,whattheyaredoingthatupsetsus,orabout
whatwewantorneed.
25.
Mindreading:Weexpecttheothertoknowwhatwewant,feel,think,or
needwithoutourtellingthem.Wefeelangryandresentfulwhentheydo
notreadourminds.
This list describes the most common ways we communicate poorly with others. It
is not only helpful in our efforts to stop these behaviors in ourselves, but it also alerts us
to faulty communications in others, making it possible to provide feedback so that they
may understand and change their behavior, if so inclined.
If individuals in a relationship hold each other accountable for faulty
communication and embrace eliminating poor communication together, they can make
great strides to “clean up” their communication and reduce emotional reactivity. Even if
one person in a relationship stops using this damaging style of speaking, it will diminish
emotional reactivity and help the relationship. By referring to this list after an argument,
we can discover exactly what triggered the emotional reactivity, and decide to do
something to remedy this in our next conversation.
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