Download Fall 2014 - Stairways Behavioral Health

T H E N E W S L E T T E R O F Y O U R
EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM
For Your
Information
HAPPINESS BOOSTER
Take a daily “thank you” walk. Simply
walk outside, in a mall, at lunch, or
anywhere else you can think of, and think
about all of the things,
big and small, that you
are grateful for.
Research shows that you
can’t be stressed and thankful
at the same time. When you
combine gratitude with
physical exercise, you flood
your brain and body with
positive emotions and natural
antidepressants that lift your
energy, mood and happiness.
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / monkeybusiness
BETTER COMMUNICATION
FOR COUPLES
Couples who stay together – and stay
happy – use positive communication skills.
Practice these positive techniques in
conversation with your partner:
■ Show genuine interest in your partner
■ Take turns talking
■ Communicate understanding of your
partner’s problem
■ Validate your partner’s emotions
■ Show affection
■ Don’t give your partner unsolicited advice
FALL 2014
FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS
Tips For Dealing With
Difficult Family Members
n Is there someone in your immediate
or extended family who gets on
your nerves?
n Do you sometimes find yourself
distracted or impatient at work
because you are thinking
about a mother-in-law,
brother-in-law, parent, child, or
sibling who was insensitive or
obnoxious during a recent phone
call or visit?
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / dolgachov
“You are not alone,” says Leonard Felder, Ph.D., who has been counseling individuals and
families for over 25 years. In his book, When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good People,
Felder interviewed 1,358 men and women about their family situations and found that over
70% of us have a frustrating or difficult relative who keeps stirring up conflicts. Felder
suggests, “It’s normal to have some stressful family interactions and your relatives probably
won’t change overnight. But there are specific things you can do to significantly change how
you respond to these difficult individuals who are in your life for the long-haul.”
Are You Carrying Unfinished Business About a Family Member?
Felder warns of five crucial signals that your family stresses are starting to affect you physically
or emotionally. See how many of these sound familiar about you or someone you know:
1. Is there someone in your family who tends to criticize you or give you harsh advice that
makes you second-guess your financial well-being or your appearance?
2. Do you sometimes find yourself physically tired or in a bad mood because of a recent
unpleasant conversation or unresolved situation with a family member?
3. Do you ever find that after a phone call or visit with one of your problematic relatives you
tend to “take the edge off” by indulging a bit more than usual in food, alcohol, drugs, or
other habits?
4. Do you sometimes feel weighted down financially or emotionally because you are trying
to help a family member who doesn’t seem to appreciate your efforts?
5. Do you ever secretly wish your family was a little less difficult or a lot more supportive?
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / michael jung
Continued on page 2
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: What is post-traumatic stress p. 2; Preventing holiday burnout p. 3; EAP services p. 4
Difficult Family Members...
WELLNESS
Continued from page 1
What is Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder?
If one or more of these signals applies to you, there are
two different ways to respond. The most common
response is “denial.” According to Dr. Felder, “The
majority of people attempt to ignore that there are
frustrating issues happening in their family.” On the
other hand, there is a healthier way to respond – to use
proven techniques for dramatically improving your
family interactions.
Mike is a 48-year-old truck driver
who travels from Cleveland to
Chicago three times per week. On
his way back home late one
night, he was rounding a bend
on the dark highway when he
noticed a figure standing by the roadside up ahead in the distance. As
he neared the figure standing by the roadside, he noticed it was a
woman walking slowly, staring down at her feet. Just as he was about
to pass by, the woman suddenly turned and leaped into the path of
Mike’s truck. He had no time to react, and slammed on his brakes at
the same moment he felt the impact of her body against the front of
his rig.
The rest of the evening passed in a haze. The state police ruled that the
woman likely committed suicide and after taking down the necessary
information, allowed Mike to leave the scene with a supervisor at his
trucking firm. Mike was driven home by his supervisor who tried to
reassure Mike that the accident wasn’t his fault.
The next day, the cause of death was ruled a suicide and Mike was
cleared of any wrong-doing. He went about the next few days almost
as if nothing had happened. He returned to his normal routine,
generally performing as well as he’d always had. Despite his seemingly
normal exterior, Mike’s wife began to notice slight changes in his
behavior. At night, he thrashed about in fitful sleep, grinding his teeth
and mumbling to himself. He also seemed tense and irritable during
the day, which was totally uncharacteristic of Mike. Then the
nightmares started. Mike was haunted by night terrors. He started
drinking more than usual, losing his temper and withdrawing from
friends and family. Even though the accident wasn’t his fault, he felt
intense guilt. Mike fell into a deep depression and eventually took a
leave of absence from work.
Suggestions to Help
Rather than letting your unresolved family conflicts
continue to eat away at you, there are specific steps
you can take, including:
u Build a stronger alliance with the family
members you do enjoy. Make sure you set aside a
few minutes each week or each month to check in and
strengthen the connection you have with siblings,
cousins, in-laws and relatives who are sensible and
caring. You might even ask one of your more wellrespected relatives to speak up on your behalf the next
time you are having a conflict with one of your more
difficult family members. Felder recommends, “Ask
ahead of the next family gathering for your most
supportive relative to say to your often-critical family
member, ‘Hey, that’s enough negative comments about
Chris. From now on, let’s find something positive to talk
about when the family gets together’.”
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
After experiencing an especially traumatic or distressing event, individuals are
said to be suffering from post-traumatic stress when they become so
preoccupied with the traumatic experience it interferes with normal activities.
“Shell-shock” as it has been called, refers to symptoms like flashbacks,
nightmares and general emotional numbness following a traumatic experience
or event.
Symptoms most often reported by post-traumatic stress victims are a “replay”
of the terrifying event and re-experience of the same feelings associated with
the event. The victim has no control over when, where, how long or how
frequent these re-occurrences happen. Often there’s a preoccupation with the
event, which includes self criticism over one’s actions during the traumatic
experience. “If I had only left earlier..., I should have did ‘this’ instead...,” as if
the experience could have been averted or lessened in severity had the
individual responded differently. Commonly, there is a sense of victimization, a
feeling of powerlessness and lack of control over their lives.
True post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms appear after the event and not
Continued on page 4
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u Remind yourself whenever necessary of the
higher reason why you’re trying to learn to deal
with this person. It might be that this difficult relative is
married to someone in your family that you do love and
that you don’t want to hurt. Or it might be that dealing
with this challenging family member is an opportunity to
learn important lessons about patience, persistence,
setting good limits, or making an outsider feel welcomed.
Or it might be that you and this other person are both a
little too stubborn and possibly this family conflict is a
chance to work on finding a middle ground. Make sure to
keep your higher reason in mind so that your efforts will
feel worthwhile.
Continued on page 3
Difficult Family Members...
Continued from page 2
u Be prepared to set “compassionate
limits” with your difficult relative. Instead
of letting this person treat you like a doormat, or
else raging in anger when he or she treats you
badly, a more effective and mature approach is
to set “compassionate limits.” You can be
compassionate but firm as you say, “I care
about you and I know you care about me. So
let’s take a few minutes with each of us
suggesting what we can do to make our next
phone call or visit more satisfying for both of
us.” Felder suggests, “Instead of your reacting
like a frustrated child, I’ve found with hundreds
of counseling clients that when you take charge
and offer these ‘compassionate limits’ you will
sound and feel like a competent manager and a
worthwhile adult. You will be preventing the
usual power-struggle with this negative relative
and instead turning your conversation with this
person into a creative brainstorming session
that uncovers positive alternatives.”
u Make sure to set small, achievable
goals for what constitutes success with a
difficult relative. If your relative has a basic
personality that is hyper-critical, extremely
self-absorbed, or exceedingly stubborn, don’t
set up an unrealistic expectation that this
person is going to be easy. Instead, Felder
recommends that you set for yourself a
realistic small goal that will allow you to feel
successful. For example, if a ten minute phone
call or a two hour visit is the most you can
handle with a particularly unpleasant relative,
don’t volunteer for a sixty minute phone call or
a seven day visit that is bound to turn out badly.
Or if your relative has a habit of giving you too
much advice, set a new realistic goal for your
interactions, such as: “I’ll listen to one piece of
advice and say, ‘That’s interesting. I’ll consider
it,’ without getting into a big debate or war this
time.” When it comes to difficult family
members, it’s good enough to just keep your
interactions brief and civil, while remembering
to say to yourself, “I don’t need to change this
person’s basic personality—I just need to stay
healthy, calm and relaxed no matter what he or
she does.”
u Pick one location, activity or topic you
and this person both enjoy. Rather than just
repeating the same old interactions that
haven’t worked for years, why not try
something new this time—be proactive and
schedule a brief activity that has a high
likelihood of bringing out the best in both of
you. Is there a TV show, a type of movie, an art
museum, a music event, a nature walk, or
some old family photo albums that the two of
HOLIDAY STRESS
Preventing Holiday Burnout
If you are prone to experiencing holiday burnout, consider the suggestions below to
lessen holiday stress:
1. Develop realistic expectations about the holidays.
It is easy to expect too much of the holidays. When we have
expectations which are not met (regardless if they are realistic or
not), we may feel disappointed, upset or worse. This contributes
to holiday stress. Keep expectations for the holiday
season manageable by not trying to make the holidays
“perfect.” Think about what was stressful
last year and how that could be different
this year.
2. Do more of what you enjoy.
Which parts of the holiday season do you
want in your life? Which parts would you
prefer to do without? Figure out what
you want and plan for more of that part in
your life.
3. Set boundaries and limits.
Be realistic about what you actually have
time for. Make a list and prioritize the most
important activities. Always think before
committing to any responsibility or social event. Learn
to say “no” politely but firmly to keep your holiday
time manageable.
4. Develop a holiday budget that is based
on what you can afford.
Remind yourself that it is possible for your family to
have memorable holiday experiences without
spending a great deal of money. Be sure to include
all holiday spending in your budget, including big
family dinners, wrapping paper, decorations,
parties, etc. Stick to your budget.
5. Plan ahead for potential problems.
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / smithore
Make a list of the problems that continually happen
every year. Then, plan ahead how you are going to handle them. If your brother and
brother-in-law have never gotten along and frequently argue at holiday gatherings,
plan ahead how you will respond to this situation.
you can do together peacefully? Make sure
you set up at least one successful way of
connecting with this person so you can build
up some resilience for when he or she
becomes difficult once again.
dependents with any type of personal,
family or work-related concern. If you need
help, why not call an EAP counselor today?
We’re here to help you.
Contact Your EAP
Recommended Reading
Do you need help dealing with a difficult
family member or other family issue?
Remember, your Employee Assistance
Program (EAP) can provide free and
confidential counseling to help you or your
When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good
People, by Leonard Felder, Ph.D., includes
dozens of practical tips for improving family
gatherings and resolving family conflicts
throughout the year.
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Post-Traumatic Stress...
Continued from page 2
during the traumatic episode itself.
Commonly, this disorder succeeds such
disturbing experiences as rape or other
sexual abuse, physical attack, combat
exposure, a serious car accident or
childhood physical abuse. People
experiencing post-traumatic stress may
experience difficulty concentrating, sleeping
comfortably or moving forward with their
lives. They may withdraw from friends and
family, suffer headaches, avoid situations or
events that remind them of the experience
and easily become agitated and/or
depressed. Alcoholism or other substance
abuse/addictions are common.
What to Do
Those suffering from post-traumatic stress
can be treated. If you or a dependent has
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder,
contact your Employee Assistance Program
(EAP) for confidential counseling, referrals
or information. Your professional EAP
counselor can help you obtain accurate and
effective treatment. We’re here to help you.
Stairways
Behavioral Health’s
New Opportunities
Employee Assistance
Program
Please call for free,
confidential assistance
(814) 456-0584
1-800-321-7988
The information in this newsletter is for the purpose of information only and is not meant to
replace consultation with your
EAP professional, mental health
professional or physician. Your
EAP is a benefit provided for
you by your company. We
encourage you to call. No issue
is too big or small.
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Stairways
Behavioral Health’s
New Opportunities Employee Assistance Program, Erie, PA
As normal healthy adults, we all experience set-backs and difficulties
from time to time. Most often, we are able to recover from them and
resolve our problems ourselves. Sometimes professional assistance
can help when problems have grown too complicated to manage alone
and begin to affect our happiness, relationships, health and job performance. During these times, an employee assistance program can be
very helpful.
As one of your employee benefits, you and your family can take advantage of free, professional and confidential help through Stairways’
Employee Assistance Program (EAP). New Opportunities EAP is staffed
with trained counselors dedicated to help with any type of personal
problem including:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Job-related problems
Workplace conflicts
Marital/Family issues
Parenting issues
Emotional problems such as stress, grief, anxiety and depression
Crisis situations
Alcohol and other drug abuse
Eldercare issues
Communication and interpersonal problems
You and your immediate family members are eligible to use this EAP
service free of charge. Just call New Opportunities at (814) 456-0584
or toll-free at 1-800-321-7988 to make an appointment.
Appointments can be arranged to fit your schedule including evenings
and weekends.
Remember, anything discussed with the counselor is strictly confidential. Information will not be released to your employer, family or anyone
else unless you want it shared and sign a written consent form.
New Opportunities EAP provides an initial assessment of your situation
and short term counseling as needed. Our counselors can also give you
referrals to appropriate community resources. Contact New
Opportunities EAP today to schedule an appointment.
WE ARE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED US!
Healthy Exchange is published quarterly by Jenican Communications, 19 Gatewood Dr., Aliso Viejo, CA 92656, (949) 360-1508. Copyright © 2014 Jenican Communications. All rights
reserved. This newsletter is not intended to provide medical advice on personal wellness matters, which should be obtained directly from your physician.
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