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Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out?
Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce
Although most everyone desires a happy, long lasting marriage, there are situations in life which might
lead to consider a divorce. Researchers have found that 40 to 50% of first marriages and about 60%
remarriages are ending in divorce. Although the numbers among Latter Day Saint couples are lower, the
reality is that many faithful Latter Day members are facing the hard decision of ending their marriages.
Consequences of divorce affect both spouses as well as children. Although young people have seen a lot
of divorce around them, they are still affected in many ways: twice the risk for various social and
emotional problems (Amato, 2005); feelings of loneliness, (Wallerstein, Lewis and Blakeslee, 2000);
more probability of experience financial hardships (Waite and Gallagher, 2000); they are less likely to
graduate from high school, go to college or graduate from college (Amato 2005); they are twice as likely
to doubt their parents’ religious beliefs or to attend church services (Marquardt, 2005) they are at
greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy (Woodward, Ferguson, and Horwood, 2001); and
they are much more likely to experience divorce when they marry (Wolfinger, 2005).
Spiritual Counsel on Divorce
Marriage is ordained of God. The Lord taught:
“But from the beginning of the Creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man
leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife… What therefore God hath joined together, let not
an put asunder (Mark 10:6-9).
In the celestial law, God has commanded us to stay together keeping our marriages strong even when
there will be challenges and problems. However, there may be situations in a marriage which require
ending it. Elder Oaks taught, “when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to
have a means to end it”. (2007, p.71).
Although the Lord currently permits divorce and remarriage, the standard for divorce is still high.
President James E. Faust stated:
“In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the
dignity of a covenant…
“Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be
considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to
definitely state what is a “just cause” for breaking covenants. Only the parties to the marriage can
determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if
these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious than a
prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a
human being.
“At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocations for breaking the sacred
covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply “mental distress” nor “personality differences”, nor
“having grown apart”, nor “having fallen out of love”. This especially so where there are children.
President Faust gives a three-part “test” for those who are seeking counsel to determine if they should
end their marriage.
1. Prolonged difficulties. President Faust does not state how long “prolonged” means, but he
mentions that the decision should be unrushed and careful. Elder Oaks counseled (2007, p- 73)
“Even those who think their spouse is entirely to blame should not act hastily”. He then notes
that many marriages become happy again if they stay together and work on resolving their
problems.
2. Apparently irredeemable relationship. This is related to the first. By this president Faust means
there are little or no hopes for repairing the relationship. To determine this, there should have
been sincere efforts to understand and fix the problems. Even if one spouse is not willing to try,
this does not excuse the other to make his or he part to make needed changes. While a member
of the seventy, Elder Bruce C. Hafen (2005) taught that we have a shepherd’s covenant in our
marriages, not a hireling’s contract: “The good shepherd giveth his life or the sheep; but he that
is an hireling… seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep and fleeth” (John 10:11-12).
3. Destruction of human dignity. The third part of the test is that a relationship has deteriorated to
the point of threatening to destroy the dignity or sense of worth of one of both spouses.
Although this might be hard to discern, abuse in all its forms and repeated infidelity can fit in.
Feelings of unhappiness and unfulfillment, growing apart, are not part of this standard.
Secular Perspectives
1. Allowing time for deciding about divorce. This is related to President Faust’s first point. We
should allow time to help us in this decision, as long as safety issues are not involved. Research
shows that the first five years of marriage have the highest risk of divorce (Bramlett and
Moscher, 2002). Other research mentions that many who divorce regret their decision.
2. Trying to resolve problems before deciding to divorce. Research has found that only about 30%
of US couples who divorce make an attempt to reconcile (Wineberg, 1995). The good news is
that research has also found that about 80% of couples who sought counseling of some kind
may see improvement and if they continue, they might see improvement and solution in their
major problems. (Ward & McCollum, 2005). There is also evidence that marriages who
persevere in their relationships with patience and work often improve significantly over time.
3. Divorce, dignity and wellbeing. As with President Faust’s test, a just cause of divorce is that the
relationship has become destructive to a person’s basic dignity. In most cases the process of
divorce and problems to rebuild a life can be challenging and many times leads to depression
and lack of confidence. For some, divorce can be the beginning of a new happy life. But in
general a marriage breakdown and divorce. Many people who were unhappy in their marriages
did not end up having a sense of wellbeing years later. However, it is important to consider
situations where one’s human dignity or safety (and children’s dignity and safety) are in
jeopardy. Spousal abuse and repeated infidelity can produce feelings of traumatic stress, anger,
depression, anxiety, and psychological paralysis (Snyder, 2007).
The Best Course
The Lord’s standard for a just cause for divorce is a high one. It is not easy to live this celestial law. It
takes great efforts and discipline to stay in an unhappy marriage and try change and improvement. It is
also hard to discern whether a marriage is destructive for one’s dignity. Wisdom is required to carefully
consider the potential consequences of divorce in all the family.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks (2007, p. 71-72) counseled:
“Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I
strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage
problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but
selfishness… The first step is not separation but reformation… Under the law of the Lord, a
marriage like a human life, is a precious living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them.
We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The
same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.
“Latter Day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages.
Some divorces are necessary and just. To discern our motives, spiritual and secular principles can be of
assistance. Prayer is also an invaluable tool to help us making such an important decision.
The Lord will support the efforts couples make to preserve their marriages. If their work proved to be
fruitless, they will know they tried their best to honor a relationship ordained of God.
References
Amato,P.R. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional wellbeing of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96
Bramlett, M.D. & Moscher, W.D. (2002). First marriage dissolution, divorce, and remarriage: United
States. Advanced Data from vital and health statistics, no. 323. Hyatsville, MD: National Center for
Health Statistics.
Faust, J.E. (2004, August) Fathers, mothers, marriage. Ensign, 34(8), 3-7
Hafen, B.C. (2005). Covenant Hearts: Marriage and the joy of human love. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.
Marqardt, E. (2005) Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York: Crown
Oaks, D.H. (2007). Divorce. Ensign, 37(5), 70-73.
Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007). Getting pat the affair: A program to help cope, heal,
and move on –together or apart. New York: Guilford.
Waite, L.J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case of marriage. New York: Doubleday.
Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J.M. & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: A 25-year
landmark study. New York: Hypertion.
Ward, D.B. & McCollum, E.E. (2005). Treatment effectiveness and its correlates in a marriage and family
therapy training clinic. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 33, 207-223.
Wineberg, H. (1995) An examination of ever divorced women who attempted a marital reconciliation
before becoming divorced. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 22(3/4), 129-146.
Wolfinger, N.H. (2005). Understanding the divorce cycle: The children of divorce in their own marriage.
New York: Cambridge University.
Woodward, L., Ferguson, D.M., & Horwood, L.J. (2001). Risk factors and life processes associated with
teenage pregnancy: Results of a prospective study from birth to 20 years. Journal of Marriage and
Family, 63, 1170-1184.