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Intro voice: January 12th, 1939. World leaders come together to the snowy wasteland of
Svalbard for a conference on some of the most significant issues of the day. Their
mission: Discuss…
Title and voice: Films of the 1930s
Narrator: I’m your moderator, Kensington Longbottoms, the most English person
you’ll likely ever meet. On behalf of the governing body of Svalbard, I’d like to
thank you all for coming here: American President Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
German Chancellor Adolf Hitler, Japanese Emperor Hirohito, Russian Premier
Josef Stalin, and our own British Prime Minister, Neville Chamberlain.
FDR: I’d like to speak on behalf of everyone present and thank you for inviting us here
to this wonderful…frozen wasteland.
Stalin: Reminds me of the Urals.
FDR: Well, remind me not to fight you in a ground war during the winter! Ha-ha-ha!
Stalin: [laughs]
Hitler: [looks perplexed]
FDR: I’m so glad we could all meet here peacefully without fighting, without war,
without crippling…
Hitler: And without conflict, too.
Narrator: [shushes Hitler like Monty Python, i.e. Britishly]
Stalin: Roosevelt, why do you speak so loudly? Are you calling for a secret attack on
Russia?
FDR: Oh, I always speak this way. If you want me to tone it down a bit, just tell me that
my secretary’s in my office and Eleanor’s outside the door!
Narrator: “President Roosevelt, what was your opinion on the movie Snow White and
the Seven Dwarfs?”
FDR: “I thought it was a wonderful film. For children, that is. I think that boys and
girls who see this movie will grow up to be good young men and women due to
the responsible morals this movie conveys.”
Narrator: “And what exactly is the moral of Snow White in your opinion Mr.
President?”
FDR: “No matter how ugly, how stupid, or how clumsy you are, as long as you have
goodness in your heart, all will go well for you…” [pause as FDR looks up as if
he’s said something meaningful]
Hitler: “Yeah, except that those dwarfs should have all been terminated.”
Stalin: “On the contrary! The dwarfs were the only ones working hard to support
themselves. The queen did nothing but worry about her beauty, and the princess
Snow White did nothing but play with furry animas in the forest all day. Why
should they deserve all the riches of the kingdom? The dwarfs should have staged
a rebellion and taken all of the Queen’s and Snow White’s property to share
equally among themselves.”
Hitler: “What kind of country is ruled by dwarfs, or, for that matter, cripples?” [quick
shot of FDR’s legs]
FDR: “There’s no need for all that bloodshed. The queen was the only evil character in
that film. She wanted to kill Snow White just so that she could be the fairest in
the land.”
Hirohito: “The will of the Queen is not to be questioned. The hunter was the worst
scum in that movie. He consciously disobeyed the direct command of his
authority. Who is he to put his own worthless feelings before the divine
command of the Imperial Family? He should have disemboweled himself on the
spot!”
Stalin: “Yeah…traitors are spooky. I lie awake at night now thinking ‘just how safe are
my apples?’ Might an old woman have poisoned them?” [looks around in panic]
FDR: So what about that monster movie, King Kong? That one might become a classic
one day.
Hirohito: Ah, the epic tale of foolish men who dare to challenge the power of nature and
the gods and pay horribly for it! Those foolish exploiters of nature have suffered
through the destruction of their cities!
FDR: Oh yes, I’m sure that Tokyo will never be destroyed in a giant monster horror
film…?
Hirohito: Of course not, we do not toy with nature.
FDR: Well, I just sort of saw the film as a bit of a lesson about greed. It was big business
that brought Kong into the city, after all. They should have just left the poor beast
alone.
Stalin: How right you are, my friend! That monster’s rampage was entirely to blame on
the greedy capitalists! The monster crushed those evil capitalists in a glorious
revolution, leaving the road free for the common man to reign supreme!
FDR: That’s not quite what I-!
Hitler: But… the title is King Kong. What is Kong King of? Skull Island? New York?
[looms ominously] THE WORLD?! How far does his rule extend?
FDR: Uh…. Yes… Well, anyway…..In the end, the beauty killed the beast, remember?
Hitler: Ah, the way it should be. The blonde girl pushes the filthy ape off the building.
Clearly a metaphor for Aryan supremacy!
Narrator: “Let’s talk about Modern Times. The film is certainly a strong commentary
on the effects of industrialization on society. What do you all think?”
Stalin: “I’ve found that factories are a very convenient place to put your political
enemies. Was Chaplin some sort of dissident?”
Hitler: “Or, for that matter, any race you don’t particularly like. I’ve found that
concentration camps are the ideal method for eliminating troublesome portions of
the population.”
FDR: “I’ll have to keep that in mind… However, I don’t believe that lower-class
Americans should be forced to work obscenely long hours on repetitive tasks just
to feed their families.”
Hitler: “Franklin, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Stalin: “The proud hard-working laborers should not be forced to sacrifice their lives to
their disgusting bourgeoisie employers.”
Hirohito: Why not? “Your life is as light as a feather, but your loyalty is as heavy as a
mountain.”
Everybody: [confusedly] “What?”
Hirohito: “I don’t know…I was just…ummm…”
Hitler: “I believe, daß your statement very profound is. I certainly understand the value
of loyalty to country.”
Narrator: Of course. Tell me, Mr. President, what do you think of “Gone With the
Wind? From the point of view of a Northerner, perhaps?
FDR: “Gone With the Wind” is definitely one of my favorite films. It has everything
one could want in a picture: war, drama, comedy…it’s wonderful. Being from the
north, as you say, really doesn’t have anything to do with my opinion of the film,
though. Of course, the North was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the
ground forces of the Confederacy. That was certainly a date which will live in
infamy.
Narrator: Which date?
FDR: I’m not sure when it was exactly…. hmm…[there is a long pause, everyone tries
to think]
Narrator: Anyway, what do you think of “Gone With the Wind,” Premier Stalin?
Stalin: I think it is a classic example of the rich aristocrats bullying the poor defenseless
farmers.
Narrator: How’s that, exactly?
Stalin: You see, the North is the old monarchical regime, and the South represents the
Marxist revolutionary movement. Rhett Butler is a sort of, ah, Rasputin-type
character—
Narrator:
—I’m not sure I understand—
Stalin: [interrupting]
—I see Scarlet O’Hara as Mother
Russia, trying to survive the conflict of civil war.
Narrator: You’ve never seen “Gone With the Wind,” have you?
Stalin: I did…well, part of it anyway. I fell asleep somewhere in the first half. So,
technically, I have seen it, but if you mean all of it, no. [pause]
Narrator: Tell me Emperor Hirohito, Japan has experienced a few civil wars in its
history. How were they similar to the American civil war as it was portrayed in
the film “Gone With the Wind?”
Hirohito: Well, one thing is that even women sometimes participated in battle. Scarlet
O'Hara could have been in the midst of bloody combat. There certainly wouldn’t
have been time to cry over trite love affairs and such.
Narrator: Were you all unhappy with the film’s length? Four hours is quite long for a
film.
Hirohito: I don’t mind long movies.
Narrator: What about you, Mr. President?
FDR: I didn’t mind it so much. I’m quite used to sitting for long periods of time. [quick
shot of narrator nodding wisely] I think it’s necessary, especially because the film
is based on a novel. I could have done without the excessively long musical
interludes, however.
Stalin: I agree. I hate Western music.
FDR: Hey, Josef, be a sport.
Stalin: Sorry.
Hitler: I got bored.
[Everyone else stares at him]
Narrator: Who are your favorite characters in the movie?
FDR: Hmm…that’s a toughie…I personally feel Rhett Butler is the strongest character.
He doesn’t let anything get him down, not Scarlet O’Hara, not the war, not
anything. Scarlet O’Hara is quite tough also, for a woman
Stalin: I like Scarlet O’Hara…hee-hee
Narrator: I see... Who is your favorite character, Emperor?
Hirohito: I personally identify with Mammie. She tries to hold the family together
during the war. She doesn’t want to get involved. [he starts to get emotional, as
he is referring to himself now.] Everything is so out of control. She is supposed to
be in charge, but she’s not! The stupid generals keep escalating the war without
my input. I’m just here along with the ride. We’re all going to die …..! [breaks
down and cries in his hands]
Narrator: [awkward pause]…Do you feel that the film adequately represents the Negro
slave as well as the white slave owner? [pauses, waits for answer, gets none] I’m
thinking of such characters as Mammie and the young slave girl. What do you
think of them as characters?
FDR: Well, I never really thought about it….
Hitler: [mumbles in German]…inferior race…[mumbles in German]
Hirohito: What is a…Knee-Grow?
[What is a “Negro?”--------------------]
[-------------“Negro” tte nan desu ka?]
Stalin: Don’t worry about it, my little Japanese friend. It’s some silly Western word.
Personally, I think the movie unfairly represents men with mustaches. It implies
that men with mustaches are untrustworthy. And we all know how false that
assumption is! Don’t you agree?
Hitler: Yes! I agree!
Hirohito: [nods affirmatively]
Narrator: Umm, yes…Let’s go on to the next film, “Shall We Dance” with Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rodgers. It is a musical [as he starts speaking, we hear a piano start
to play] featuring a number of…what is that sound?
[Camera pans to Hitler playing a Gershwin tune on the piano. He is smiling and
humming at the same time. When he finishes, Hitler asks,]
Hitler: Who wrote that tune? I learned it after hearing it in the film.
FDR: I believe it is “name” by Gershwin. He and his brother Ira wrote the entire
soundtrack. Wonderful tunes.
Hitler: Who is Gershwin?
Narrator: A famous Jewish composer.
Hitler: Ach…. mench…let’s talk about a different movie.
Narrator: We’re not done with this one yet. Tell me, everyone, who are your favorite
characters?
Stalin: I like Petrov. He’s Russian. Well, actually, he’s not really Russian. He’s played
by an American actor. Plus, even if he were a Russian, he fled his motherland.
An expatriate! Traitor! Kill Him! [quick shot of Russian armies marching]
FDR: I just love Ginger Rodgers. So graceful…so talented…so…New
England…wonderful.
Stalin: She’s an example of flagrant American Capitalism seducing the heart of the
motherland!!!
Hirohito: The dancing was a bit offensive for my taste.
FDR: Oh, I don’t know, it’s fun—exhilarating, even! —to watch people dancing around
on their own two legs. [looks forlorn and crippled]
Narrator: Now to talk about the Hunchback of Notre Dame. What are your opinions on
this movie?
FDR: It contained an important lesson for our youth in my opinion. It depicted a world
full of hate and discrimination and a lack of understanding of differences between
people. That’s something I think we as a people need to overcome.
Hitler: I agree. Anyone who is not a healthy Aryan should be disposed of. That way
there will be no differences to cause problems.
Hirohito: True. Homogenous cultures are definitely superior.
FDR: That’s not exactly what I meant…
Hitler: I mean, what good is a deformed cripple like Quasimodo to his society? What
purpose can he serve?”
FDR: [looking pissed] Well, I suppose he could take some sort of government office,
maybe help the suffering people of his country find jobs…
Hitler: His country? France? They do not need jobs: they’re French! They’re
subhuman for God’s sake. And they’re chubby…You complete me, Hirohito.
Hirohito: And you me, Hitler.
FDR: This is getting too strange for me.
Stalin: Yeah, well, you’re crippled.
Narrator: Well, anyway, this film was an attack against the church. The clergyman
Frollo was plotting against everyone in order to obtain Esmerelda.
FDR: I was a bit surprised at the idea of corruption in the church. I suppose it goes to
show that there’s corruption everywhere.
Hirohito: "No, just in the Christian Church. Christians fail to recognize the divine
bloodline of the Japanese Imperial Family. The ultimate power of such holy
monarchs as myself is sadly underestimated by the western world. Religion is
flawed when it does not involve reverence toward the proper ruler."
Stalin: The only function of religion is to assist a leader in coming to power, like Lenin. I
see little wrong with Frollo’s actions.
Hitler: Frollo was wrong for abusing church power, but at least he was moral enough to
prosecute the gypsies.
FDR: [groans]
Narrator: Now, let’s move on to the most recent film of the 1930s. It’s called “Park
Bench Alone!” Its world premiere is… right now, at our very own Svalbard
Conference!
[They all smile in excitement]
[Movie is shewn]
Stalin: That was…remarkable!
FDR: I thought it was very strange…
Hirohito: Namuamidabutsu… [message flashes “untranslatable”]
Hitler: I thought it was lots of fun. That boy is so cute! Like kittens and puppies! And
chickens! Und Blitzkrieg! Und Tod! Und Hoffnungslosigkeit! Und
Todesqualen! Und Schicksal! Und Schlacht! Und
Höchstgeschwindigkeitsbegrezungen! [yells randomly in German]
[cue the theme music]
Narrator: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Tomorrow at the Svalbard
conference, we discuss foreign, id est, non-American, films, with Mohandas
Gandhi, Benito Mussolini, Chiang Kai-shek, and the Deputy Governor of Canada,
whose name we haven’t bothered to learn. Good night.