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Chapter 15
Ending Relationships
Disengagement and Termination
A few quotes to consider
 This sucks! I can't think! I can't sleep! I can't eat! Is love supposed
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to hurt so?
The greatest experience we can ever have is usually not a
welcomed one at that time.
It amazes me so that we enter a relationship whole and leave it
only a half.
I looked in the mirror this morning, but I only saw me without you.
I see this pain as a blessing. At least I know I have experienced
love—some people will never know such a blessing.
When we wear our heart on our sleeve, nobody notices our great
butts!
If the government could tax broken hearts, there would be no
deficit.
Why Relationships End
 Relationship endings are inevitable (why?)
 85% of adults in US have experienced a
romantic breakup.
 Pain of losing a relationship is worse when it
means losing identity, networks,
emotional/sexual gratification, resources, even
children
 So why do relationships end?
17-year study of married couples
 Infidelity ** (22%)
 Lack of communication #
 Incompatibility/lack of
 Physical or psychological
shared interests (19%)
 Drinking/drugs **
 Grew apart
 Partner’s personality #
abuse **
 Loss of love #
 Not meeting family
responsibilities **
 Work problems
**Women more than men;
# men more than women
Major Factors
 Infidelity and Interest in a Third Party
 Forms of infidelity: Sexual, emotional, and both
 Socio-evolutionary theory and gender differences
 Available alternatives (social exchange theory)
 Incompatibility
 Personality similarity is a good thing
 Discrepancy in attitudes and values tends to lead to
breakups
 Ethnic and age differences can be problematic
 Differences in education, intelligence, and health
 Differences in emotional involvement and sexual
compatibility
Major Factors, cont.
 Alcohol & Drugs
 Co-dependency
 Growing apart
 Gradual atrophy
 Loss of love
 Chronic dissatisfaction eats away at the positive
feelings associated with love—feelings of joy, warmth,
contentment, passion
 Relationship disillusionment
 Positive illusions fade
Communication as a cause
 Emotional or Physical Withdrawal
 Lack of support and listening
 Demand-withdraw conflict patterns
 Negative Communication
 Poor conflict management
 Negative emotional expression (e.g., contempt,
sarcasm)
 Lack of Openness and Intimacy
 Abusive communication
 Using communication as psychological abuse
Duck’s Phase Model
Breakdown: Relationship Dissatisfaction
Threshold: “I can’t stand this anymore!!”
Phase 1: The Intrapsychic Phase
Threshold: “I’d be justified in withdrawing.”
Phase 2: The Dyadic Phase
Threshold: “This just won’t work.”
Phase 3: The Social Phase
Threshold: “It’s now inevitable.”
Phase 4: The Grave-Dressing Phase
Emotional Repair & Relationship Realignment
Resurrection
Knapp’s Staircase Model
Knapp’s Stages
Differentiating
Function: to restore individual identity and
autonomy--(opposite of integrating)
Sample Dialogue:
“I hate going to parties.”
“I don’t understand that; I love to
socialize.”
Circumscribing
Function: to avoid in-depth disclosure, personal
communication (opposite of intensifying)
Sample Dialogue:
“Did you have a good day at work?”
“Yeah. What time will dinner be ready?”
Stagnating
Function: to achieve psychological separation
(communication is at a standstill)
Sample Dialogue:
“Let’s not get into this again.”
“Yeah, it’s pointless to talk about it.”
Avoiding
Function: to achieve physical separation
(sometimes as a testing ground)
Sample Dialogue:
“Let’s take a break for a while.”
“I’ll move my things out.”
Terminating
Function: to break up while minimizing
negative affect and negative consequences
Sample Dialogue:
“This isn’t working out.”
“Yes, it’s been coming for a long
time… let’s break up…”
Catastrophe Theory
 Some relationships do not gradually unwind through stages
of dissolution, but end suddenly (“sudden death”).
 In one study, about 25% of people reported their
relationship ended because of a single critical event.
 Such events include:
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Infidelity
Serious arguments
Physical violence
The discovery of incompatibility
Strategies for Breaking Up
Unilateral (One person)
Indirect
Direct
Avoidance
Relational Ruses
Withdrawal of Support/Affection
Pseudo de-escalation
Cost Escalation
Direct Dump (fait accompli)
Dating other people
Relationship talk
Justifications
Threats/bullying
Positive tone
De-escalation
Can use just one or several
Bilateral (Both persons)
Fading Away
Blame Game
Negotiated Farewell
More likely to be friends
Negative Outcomes of Breakups
 Negative Emotions
 Loneliness
 Financial Consequences
 Effects on Children
 Living with feuding parents vs. dealing with a divorce
 Feeling “caught” between parents
 The intergenerational transmission of divorce
 Health Consequences
Positive Outcomes of Breakups
 Personal Positives:
 Sense of relief—threats are gone; ambiguity &
conflict are over.
 Increased self-sufficiency
 Ability to handle life on one’s own
 Relational Positives:
 Knowing more about how to communicate with
partners—not jumping into another relationship too
quickly
 Knowing more about how to develop, maintain,
and terminate relationships
Positive Outcomes, cont.
 Environmental Positives:
 Being able to concentrate more on school, work,
and friends
 Future Positives:
 Knowing what you want (or do not want) in
future relationships
Closing note…
 All of these positives depend on the ability to reflect
objectively on the relationship and its termination process.
 Not to assign blame or justify, but to understand.
 Paradoxically, part of the objectivity is understanding
emotions.
 Are you Angry? Hurt? Sad? Guilty? Resentful? Relieved?
 Can you forgive? Can you ask for forgiveness?
 Can you still be friends or at least appreciate the good in each
other that initially attracted you?