Download Part 1: Identify Problems and Revise (80 points)

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TECM 2700
Practice Style Exam
Part 1: Identify Problems and Revise (80 points)
Please complete the following for 5 sentences:
 Identify all the problems in the sentence (use technical terms and identify the problem area of
the sentence).
 Rewrite the sentence to eliminate the problems. Leave the original sentence.
 Rewrite and identify problems for only 5 sentences. If you complete more than 5, I will
only grade the first 5.
 Example:
The ball was thrown by Brown.
Problems: No actor in subject.
Passive Voice (was thrown).
Rewrite: Brown threw the ball.
1. The results of the tests underwent extensive reviews, hoping to find some cause of the flaw.
Problems: no actor in subject, no action in verb, dangling modifier, AIN – reviews
Solution: We reviewed the test results extensively, hoping to find the error that caused the
flaw.
2. Attempts at explanations for increases in voter participation in this year’s elections were
offered by several candidates.
Problems: AIN, no actor in subject, passive
Solution: Several candidates attempted to explain why more people voted in this year’s
elections.
3. The loss of the market to foreign manufacturers by domestic automakers could result in the
unemployment of hundreds of thousands of workers and stagnation in the national economy.
Problems: no actor in subject (loss), complex (stagnation)
Solution: Domestic automakers may lose the market to foreign manufacturers, resulting in
hundreds of thousands of workers being unemployed (losing their jobs) and the national
economy slowing down.
4. Subsequent to the organizational forum, we will endeavor to ascertain how the compensation
program will operate and then communicate that to employees.
Problems: complex language
Solution: After the organizational meeting, we will try to figure out how the compensation
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program will operate (work) and then communicate that to employees.
5. Having no previous familiarity with it, the metal deposit detection device did not function as
expected.
Problems: dangling modifier, stacked nouns, vague (as expected)
Solution: Because we had not used it before, the metal detector did not work.
6. The CIA had fears that the president would make a recommendation to Congress for a
reduction in its budget.
Problems: AIN, NAV – had, make
Solution: The CIA feared that the president would recommend that Congress reduce its
budget.
7. Until such time as the new health plan goes into effect, all employees should continue to file
claims according to the current plan without further delay.
Problems: unnecessary words
Solution: Until the new health plan starts, all employees should continue to file claims
according to the current plan.
8. Because of the clerk’s inability to help us with the equipment, there was a delay in the repairs
that we had to do the next day.
Problems: no actor in subj. (there), no action in verb (was), AIN – delay, repairs
Solution: We had to delay the repairs until the next day because the clerk couldn’t help us
with the equipment.
Part 2: Revise a Short Passage (20 points)
Please revise one of the following passages:
 You do not have to identify problems in the passage.
 Be sure to eliminate all style problems.
 Leave the original paragraph so I can compare your rewrite to it.
1. Acid rain looks, feels, and tastes just like clear rain. The harm to people from acid rain is not
direct. Walking in acid rain, even swimming in an acid lake, is immediately no more
dangerous than walking or swimming in clean water. However, the pollutants (sulfur dioxide
[SO2] and nitrogen oxides [NOx]) that cause acid rain also damage human health. These
gases interact in the atmosphere to form fine sulfate and nitrate particles that can be
transported long distances by winds and inhaled deep into people’s lungs. Fine particles can
also penetrate indoors. Scientific studies have identified a relationship between elevated
levels of fine particles and increased illness and premature death from heart and lung
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disorders, such as asthma and bronchitis. Based on health concerns, SO2 and NOx have
historically been regulated under the Clean Air Act, including the Acid Rain Program. By
lowering the SO2 and NOx emissions from power generation, the Acid Rain Program will
reduce the levels of find sulfate and nitrate particles and so reduce the incidence and the
severity of these health problems: asthma and bronchitis. Due to decreased mortality, hospital
admission, and emergency room visits, the public health benefits of the Acid Rain Program
are estimated to be valued at $50 billion annually when fully implemented by the year 2010.
Rewrite: Scientific studies show the benefits of the Acid Rain Program. Acid rain does not
harm people directly since it looks, feels, and tastes like clear rain, but its pollutants damage
human health. The pollutants of acid rain, sulfur dioxide (SO2) and nitrogen oxides (NOx) are
gases that interact in the atmosphere to form fine sulfate and nitrate particles that the wind
can carry long distances and people can inhale. Studies such as recent one by the National
Institute of Health have identified a relationship between elevated levels of fine particles,
increased illness, and premature death from disorders like asthma and bronchitis. The Acid
Rain Program, under the Clean Air Act, regulates SO2 and NOx to lower the levels of sulphate
and nitrate particles and therefore reduce the severity of health problems. Administrators of
the Acid Rain Program estimate the monetary value of the public health benefits of the
Program to be $50 million annually once they complete its implementation in 2010.
2. Bovine spongiform encephalophy (BSE) is a chronic, degenerative disorder affecting the
central nervous system of cattle. It is commonly called Mad Cow Disease. Evidence suggests
that certain contaminated cattle-feed ingredients are the source of BSE infection in cattle. The
process that leads to the contaminated feed starts when livestock already harboring the BSE
agent are slaughtered. The edible parts are removed after cows and sheep are killed. They
undergo a process called rendering at a special plant. Two major products are created: fat,
which is used in an array of products (such as soap, lipstick, linoleum, and glue) and meatand-bone meal, a powdery, high-protein supplement that is often processed into animal feed.
Although the animal remnants are “cooked” at high temperatures during the rendering
process, the BSE agent, if present is able to survive. When this contaminated meat-and-bone
meal is fed to cattle as a protein supplement, the BSE agent can be passed on to many new
cattle. It is believed that this is how BSE was spread through the U.K. cattle herds. No test
can reliably detect BSE in live cattle. A diagnosis is confirmed by examining brain tissue
after death.
Rewrite: Mad Cow Disease is the common name for bovine spongiform encephalophy
(BSE), a chronic, degenerative disorder affecting the central nervous system of cattle. BSE
spreads from infected cattle to non-infected ones through contaminated cattle feed. The
process that leads to the contaminated feed is as follows:
 The slaughterhouse slaughters cattle.
 It removes edible parts for sale as meat and sends the rest to a special plant to be made
into usable products in a process called rendering. The rendering process creates two
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major products:
o fat, used in many everyday products such as soap, lipstick, and glue
o meat-and-bone meal, a powdery, high-protein supplement that may become part
of animal feed
Although the rendering plant processes the animal carcasses at high temperatures during the
rendering process, the BSE agent can survive. When non-infected cattle eat this contaminated
meat-and-bone meal as a protein supplement, they can become infected. The British
government believes that this is how British cattle herds contracted BSE. Since no test can
reliably detect BSE in live cattle, only after whole herds had contracted the disease and some
had died were owners able to confirm the disease by examining brain tissue in dead cattle.
Part 3: Name all eight “to be” verbs for passive voice (4 extra credit points)
is am are was were be being been
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