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HORROR-SCOPES
All of us have this one annoying dumbass of a friend who has unfaltering faith in horoscopes and zodiac
signs. Well, if you ARE that dumbass reading this, I have a prediction for you.
*soothing voice*
‘Certain words you may read in your very recent future are going to humiliate you. However tomorrow if
you wear turquoise, Venus will transit to the next sign and connect with Neptune, which will make you
forget that your parents dropped you on the head as a baby…several times.
End your day, as you always do, by jacking off to Bejan Daruwalla’.
And if you are wondering who won the race between the rabbit and the turquoise….OH MY GOD, YOU
POOR THING, YOU! :’(
So, now the thing about astrology is… it’s SHIT.
The position of the sun, moon and the planets IS NOT why you have a non existent love life. Jupiter will
NOT increase the size of your penis. Jupiter will NOT improve your grammar. Jupiter did NOT give you
that god-awful haircut. Jupiter did NOT make you take up engineering.
The thing is, sweetheart, that JUPITER does not care. And neither do the other planets. I checked.
I do not get one thing about daily horoscopes. Is every single person, who belongs to a particular zodiac
sign, going to have the same day?
For instance, this is my horoscope for the day.
Pisces:
The day's energy is apt to be lively, making it much easier to get the things done that you need to do,
Pisces. You will find people are more than eager to help you. The trick is to integrate your leadership
abilities with the knowledge available from other people. You will create a winning combination of
power and strength to put to use in just about any realm of your life.
First of all, it’s VAGUE. Put any situation in your head and read the above prediction again.
I mean you can picture a really ambitious, hard working man having a productive day. OR some guy
with erectile dysfunction managing to have a good shag.
And do you know how many Piscean men are going to get away with rape in Delhi today?
Don’t even get me started on the zodiac signs. What the hell is this OPHIUCHUS? You know what it
sounds like? I was going to make a dirty joke but I changed my mind. Something to do with blowjobs.
That’s all I’m going to say. No more.
Now, astrology is a kind of science, apparently. Just like BREAD is science
Every zodiac sign is supposed to have these specific personality traits, symbol, element, lucky gems,
lucky number, lucky fragrances, lucky Gatorade flavor etc.
The problem is that these “specific” traits are…well… NOT specific. They are a compilation of universal
facts about human nature worded in a roundabout manner which seem to apply to you irrespective of
which sun sign you belong to.
You enjoy your own company and are quite satisfied to potter around in a quiet way and enjoy what nature and life have to offer.
You’re equally comfortable in a social environment. Sometimes you do feel isolated and a little disconnected from life. This makes you
feel dispassionate even if you do seem to be enjoying what is going on.
At least, 50% of you are going to identify with this. And I haven’t even mentioned what zodiac sign I
picked this excerpt from.
Most of these traits are flattering. They provide you with a sense of individuality. ‘Leos believe in hard work and
will always strive hard to achieve their goals’. And you think “HELL, yeah! I DO strive hard to achieve my goals!
SO TRUE.”
And if you do happen to find two people with diametrically opposite personalities who happen to have the
same zodiac signs, the excuse is, “Well, there are always exceptions.”
You know what? GRAVITY is a fact. I do not see EXCEPTIONS floating in the air around me.
And what happened to all the Saggitarians who became OPHIOCHUSIANS (?) this year? Did they change
overnight? Does THAT explain Harsha Bhogle’s hair?
Also, how about making it a little less boring? How about giving me some fun facts? Like Libran women are
well endowed. *makes weighing scale hands*
Saggitarians are most likely to give you Chlamydia.
Geminis pick their nose a lot.
I would still respect a person who KNOWS what he or she is talking about in his or her particular field of
interest EVEN if it’s astrology. A person who could explain this to me :
‘In Western astrology, astrological signs are the twelve 30º sectors of the ecliptic, starting at the vernal
equinox (one of the intersections of the ecliptic with thecelestial equator), also known as the First Point of
Aries. The order of the astrological signs
is Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius,Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces’
In case, you were wondering, NO, the fits you get in the morning are not ecliptic fits.
Let’s just face it. You don’t know jack. But you still memorise all the details of each zodiac sign so you can bring
it up in conversation and sound slightly interesting.
I overhear women bitching about their boyfriends. Everyone does, yes? And they are all “Oh, he’s such a
typical Saggi, yaa!” No, girls. He’s an ASSHOLE.
“Oh he was so shy! He couldn’t even look directly at me! So cute! Such a Gemini.” He is not a GEMINI. He is a
staring-at-your-cleavage! And maybe you need to rethink your choice of outfits on a first date. (slutty) *coughs*
Men use this to get lucky with women. “Oh, you know, Aries is 88% compatible with Pisces.” Yes, but how does
that make my eyes compatible with YOUR FACE?
It’s quite appalling how people actually try to show off their vast knowledge of zodiac signs. They are actually
PROUD of it. I mean, really? You are taking life decisions based on what a man named BEJAN DARUWALLA
has to say to you. And anyway, how lethargic were his parents when they named him?!
Here’s the thing. Horoscopes are a waste of time. If you really want to succeed in your career, you don’t need
to worry about the position of the earth with respect to some obscure star in the sky. You need to suck up to
your boss.
If you want to want to improve your love life, how about worrying about the positions in your bedroom?
If you want to lose weight, put that cheese pav bhaji away.
If you are looking for a partner, log on to bharatmatrimony.com
If you want to do well in your board exams…well, we talked about your parents dropping you on the head. So
maybe no one can help you there.
Stop sitting on your asses!
You know why the rabbit did not win? He stopped at a tarot card reader on the way. Be the Turquoise.