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T H E N E W S L E T T E R O F Y O U R EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM For Your Information HAPPINESS BOOSTER Take a daily “thank you” walk. Simply walk outside, in a mall, at lunch, or anywhere else you can think of, and think about all of the things, big and small, that you are grateful for. Research shows that you can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time. When you combine gratitude with physical exercise, you flood your brain and body with positive emotions and natural antidepressants that lift your energy, mood and happiness. © Can Stock Photo Inc. / monkeybusiness BETTER COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES Couples who stay together – and stay happy – use positive communication skills. Practice these positive techniques in conversation with your partner: ■ Show genuine interest in your partner ■ Take turns talking ■ Communicate understanding of your partner’s problem ■ Validate your partner’s emotions ■ Show affection ■ Don’t give your partner unsolicited advice FALL 2014 FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS Tips For Dealing With Difficult Family Members n Is there someone in your immediate or extended family who gets on your nerves? n Do you sometimes find yourself distracted or impatient at work because you are thinking about a mother-in-law, brother-in-law, parent, child, or sibling who was insensitive or obnoxious during a recent phone call or visit? © Can Stock Photo Inc. / dolgachov “You are not alone,” says Leonard Felder, Ph.D., who has been counseling individuals and families for over 25 years. In his book, When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good People, Felder interviewed 1,358 men and women about their family situations and found that over 70% of us have a frustrating or difficult relative who keeps stirring up conflicts. Felder suggests, “It’s normal to have some stressful family interactions and your relatives probably won’t change overnight. But there are specific things you can do to significantly change how you respond to these difficult individuals who are in your life for the long-haul.” Are You Carrying Unfinished Business About a Family Member? Felder warns of five crucial signals that your family stresses are starting to affect you physically or emotionally. See how many of these sound familiar about you or someone you know: 1. Is there someone in your family who tends to criticize you or give you harsh advice that makes you second-guess your financial well-being or your appearance? 2. Do you sometimes find yourself physically tired or in a bad mood because of a recent unpleasant conversation or unresolved situation with a family member? 3. Do you ever find that after a phone call or visit with one of your problematic relatives you tend to “take the edge off” by indulging a bit more than usual in food, alcohol, drugs, or other habits? 4. Do you sometimes feel weighted down financially or emotionally because you are trying to help a family member who doesn’t seem to appreciate your efforts? 5. Do you ever secretly wish your family was a little less difficult or a lot more supportive? © Can Stock Photo Inc. / michael jung Continued on page 2 INSIDE THIS ISSUE: What is post-traumatic stress p. 2; Preventing holiday burnout p. 3; EAP services p. 4 Difficult Family Members... WELLNESS Continued from page 1 What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? If one or more of these signals applies to you, there are two different ways to respond. The most common response is “denial.” According to Dr. Felder, “The majority of people attempt to ignore that there are frustrating issues happening in their family.” On the other hand, there is a healthier way to respond – to use proven techniques for dramatically improving your family interactions. Mike is a 48-year-old truck driver who travels from Cleveland to Chicago three times per week. On his way back home late one night, he was rounding a bend on the dark highway when he noticed a figure standing by the roadside up ahead in the distance. As he neared the figure standing by the roadside, he noticed it was a woman walking slowly, staring down at her feet. Just as he was about to pass by, the woman suddenly turned and leaped into the path of Mike’s truck. He had no time to react, and slammed on his brakes at the same moment he felt the impact of her body against the front of his rig. The rest of the evening passed in a haze. The state police ruled that the woman likely committed suicide and after taking down the necessary information, allowed Mike to leave the scene with a supervisor at his trucking firm. Mike was driven home by his supervisor who tried to reassure Mike that the accident wasn’t his fault. The next day, the cause of death was ruled a suicide and Mike was cleared of any wrong-doing. He went about the next few days almost as if nothing had happened. He returned to his normal routine, generally performing as well as he’d always had. Despite his seemingly normal exterior, Mike’s wife began to notice slight changes in his behavior. At night, he thrashed about in fitful sleep, grinding his teeth and mumbling to himself. He also seemed tense and irritable during the day, which was totally uncharacteristic of Mike. Then the nightmares started. Mike was haunted by night terrors. He started drinking more than usual, losing his temper and withdrawing from friends and family. Even though the accident wasn’t his fault, he felt intense guilt. Mike fell into a deep depression and eventually took a leave of absence from work. Suggestions to Help Rather than letting your unresolved family conflicts continue to eat away at you, there are specific steps you can take, including: u Build a stronger alliance with the family members you do enjoy. Make sure you set aside a few minutes each week or each month to check in and strengthen the connection you have with siblings, cousins, in-laws and relatives who are sensible and caring. You might even ask one of your more wellrespected relatives to speak up on your behalf the next time you are having a conflict with one of your more difficult family members. Felder recommends, “Ask ahead of the next family gathering for your most supportive relative to say to your often-critical family member, ‘Hey, that’s enough negative comments about Chris. From now on, let’s find something positive to talk about when the family gets together’.” Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder After experiencing an especially traumatic or distressing event, individuals are said to be suffering from post-traumatic stress when they become so preoccupied with the traumatic experience it interferes with normal activities. “Shell-shock” as it has been called, refers to symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares and general emotional numbness following a traumatic experience or event. Symptoms most often reported by post-traumatic stress victims are a “replay” of the terrifying event and re-experience of the same feelings associated with the event. The victim has no control over when, where, how long or how frequent these re-occurrences happen. Often there’s a preoccupation with the event, which includes self criticism over one’s actions during the traumatic experience. “If I had only left earlier..., I should have did ‘this’ instead...,” as if the experience could have been averted or lessened in severity had the individual responded differently. Commonly, there is a sense of victimization, a feeling of powerlessness and lack of control over their lives. True post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms appear after the event and not Continued on page 4 2 u Remind yourself whenever necessary of the higher reason why you’re trying to learn to deal with this person. It might be that this difficult relative is married to someone in your family that you do love and that you don’t want to hurt. Or it might be that dealing with this challenging family member is an opportunity to learn important lessons about patience, persistence, setting good limits, or making an outsider feel welcomed. Or it might be that you and this other person are both a little too stubborn and possibly this family conflict is a chance to work on finding a middle ground. Make sure to keep your higher reason in mind so that your efforts will feel worthwhile. Continued on page 3 Difficult Family Members... Continued from page 2 u Be prepared to set “compassionate limits” with your difficult relative. Instead of letting this person treat you like a doormat, or else raging in anger when he or she treats you badly, a more effective and mature approach is to set “compassionate limits.” You can be compassionate but firm as you say, “I care about you and I know you care about me. So let’s take a few minutes with each of us suggesting what we can do to make our next phone call or visit more satisfying for both of us.” Felder suggests, “Instead of your reacting like a frustrated child, I’ve found with hundreds of counseling clients that when you take charge and offer these ‘compassionate limits’ you will sound and feel like a competent manager and a worthwhile adult. You will be preventing the usual power-struggle with this negative relative and instead turning your conversation with this person into a creative brainstorming session that uncovers positive alternatives.” u Make sure to set small, achievable goals for what constitutes success with a difficult relative. If your relative has a basic personality that is hyper-critical, extremely self-absorbed, or exceedingly stubborn, don’t set up an unrealistic expectation that this person is going to be easy. Instead, Felder recommends that you set for yourself a realistic small goal that will allow you to feel successful. For example, if a ten minute phone call or a two hour visit is the most you can handle with a particularly unpleasant relative, don’t volunteer for a sixty minute phone call or a seven day visit that is bound to turn out badly. Or if your relative has a habit of giving you too much advice, set a new realistic goal for your interactions, such as: “I’ll listen to one piece of advice and say, ‘That’s interesting. I’ll consider it,’ without getting into a big debate or war this time.” When it comes to difficult family members, it’s good enough to just keep your interactions brief and civil, while remembering to say to yourself, “I don’t need to change this person’s basic personality—I just need to stay healthy, calm and relaxed no matter what he or she does.” u Pick one location, activity or topic you and this person both enjoy. Rather than just repeating the same old interactions that haven’t worked for years, why not try something new this time—be proactive and schedule a brief activity that has a high likelihood of bringing out the best in both of you. Is there a TV show, a type of movie, an art museum, a music event, a nature walk, or some old family photo albums that the two of HOLIDAY STRESS Preventing Holiday Burnout If you are prone to experiencing holiday burnout, consider the suggestions below to lessen holiday stress: 1. Develop realistic expectations about the holidays. It is easy to expect too much of the holidays. When we have expectations which are not met (regardless if they are realistic or not), we may feel disappointed, upset or worse. This contributes to holiday stress. Keep expectations for the holiday season manageable by not trying to make the holidays “perfect.” Think about what was stressful last year and how that could be different this year. 2. Do more of what you enjoy. Which parts of the holiday season do you want in your life? Which parts would you prefer to do without? Figure out what you want and plan for more of that part in your life. 3. Set boundaries and limits. Be realistic about what you actually have time for. Make a list and prioritize the most important activities. Always think before committing to any responsibility or social event. Learn to say “no” politely but firmly to keep your holiday time manageable. 4. Develop a holiday budget that is based on what you can afford. Remind yourself that it is possible for your family to have memorable holiday experiences without spending a great deal of money. Be sure to include all holiday spending in your budget, including big family dinners, wrapping paper, decorations, parties, etc. Stick to your budget. 5. Plan ahead for potential problems. © Can Stock Photo Inc. / smithore Make a list of the problems that continually happen every year. Then, plan ahead how you are going to handle them. If your brother and brother-in-law have never gotten along and frequently argue at holiday gatherings, plan ahead how you will respond to this situation. you can do together peacefully? Make sure you set up at least one successful way of connecting with this person so you can build up some resilience for when he or she becomes difficult once again. dependents with any type of personal, family or work-related concern. If you need help, why not call an EAP counselor today? We’re here to help you. Contact Your EAP Recommended Reading Do you need help dealing with a difficult family member or other family issue? Remember, your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) can provide free and confidential counseling to help you or your When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good People, by Leonard Felder, Ph.D., includes dozens of practical tips for improving family gatherings and resolving family conflicts throughout the year. 3 Post-Traumatic Stress... Continued from page 2 during the traumatic episode itself. Commonly, this disorder succeeds such disturbing experiences as rape or other sexual abuse, physical attack, combat exposure, a serious car accident or childhood physical abuse. People experiencing post-traumatic stress may experience difficulty concentrating, sleeping comfortably or moving forward with their lives. They may withdraw from friends and family, suffer headaches, avoid situations or events that remind them of the experience and easily become agitated and/or depressed. Alcoholism or other substance abuse/addictions are common. What to Do Those suffering from post-traumatic stress can be treated. If you or a dependent has symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, contact your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for confidential counseling, referrals or information. Your professional EAP counselor can help you obtain accurate and effective treatment. We’re here to help you. Stairways Behavioral Health’s New Opportunities Employee Assistance Program Please call for free, confidential assistance (814) 456-0584 1-800-321-7988 The information in this newsletter is for the purpose of information only and is not meant to replace consultation with your EAP professional, mental health professional or physician. Your EAP is a benefit provided for you by your company. We encourage you to call. No issue is too big or small. 4 Stairways Behavioral Health’s New Opportunities Employee Assistance Program, Erie, PA As normal healthy adults, we all experience set-backs and difficulties from time to time. Most often, we are able to recover from them and resolve our problems ourselves. Sometimes professional assistance can help when problems have grown too complicated to manage alone and begin to affect our happiness, relationships, health and job performance. During these times, an employee assistance program can be very helpful. As one of your employee benefits, you and your family can take advantage of free, professional and confidential help through Stairways’ Employee Assistance Program (EAP). New Opportunities EAP is staffed with trained counselors dedicated to help with any type of personal problem including: • • • • • • • • • Job-related problems Workplace conflicts Marital/Family issues Parenting issues Emotional problems such as stress, grief, anxiety and depression Crisis situations Alcohol and other drug abuse Eldercare issues Communication and interpersonal problems You and your immediate family members are eligible to use this EAP service free of charge. Just call New Opportunities at (814) 456-0584 or toll-free at 1-800-321-7988 to make an appointment. Appointments can be arranged to fit your schedule including evenings and weekends. Remember, anything discussed with the counselor is strictly confidential. Information will not be released to your employer, family or anyone else unless you want it shared and sign a written consent form. New Opportunities EAP provides an initial assessment of your situation and short term counseling as needed. Our counselors can also give you referrals to appropriate community resources. Contact New Opportunities EAP today to schedule an appointment. WE ARE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED US! Healthy Exchange is published quarterly by Jenican Communications, 19 Gatewood Dr., Aliso Viejo, CA 92656, (949) 360-1508. Copyright © 2014 Jenican Communications. All rights reserved. This newsletter is not intended to provide medical advice on personal wellness matters, which should be obtained directly from your physician. 7