Download Essay feedback for Formal Writing Revisions

Essay Feedback for consideration on Revision-D.R.Oliveira
NOTE:The majority of these areas were/are not taken into consideration on the grading of your on-demand writing
tasks. For the revision, they will be considered. PLEASE see me if you are uncertain about any category or for any reason.
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Weaving in Quoting Textual Evidence, fiction or non-fiction:
(Thank you Eliza Gardner for the new word: Weaving!I like it more than what I have always used: embed)
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Delete for all time: THIS QUOTE SAYS, THIS QUOTE MEANS, THIS QUOTE –period
In fact: Delete the word Quote
Weaving in of quoted lines:
 Your words lead into the “quote words” (cite).
 “Quoted words” lead into your words” (cite).
 Your words lead into the “quoted words” and the sentence continues with your words (Cite).
Weaving in has beginner strategies and advanced strategies
 Beginner: The author comments when “Quoted words” (Cite).
 Beginner: Gatsby says, “Quoted words” (Cite).
 Beginner: When you make an abrupt declaration that you are about to quote a line
 Intermediate:
o So inspired, Gatsby “had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time,
decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way” (Cite).
 Advanced:
Ex:
So inspired, Gatsby “had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time,
decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way” making certain the rich around
him noticed his wealth (Cite).
Ex: According to some, dreams express "profound aspects of personality" though others
disagree (Foulkes 184).
After weaving in a quote, please:
 Explain its connection to the point you were trying to make
 Do Not just move onto your next point and abruptly drop your reason for inserting a quoted piece of
evidence
After weaving in a quote, please:
 DO not say: “This quote means” as a way to begin to explain the connectivity to your point.
 Smoothly work out your explanation. If stuck, maybe refer to the moment as:
EXAMPLE:
Here, Gatsby exposes his need for public acknowledgement, but also his naiveté that wealth is the
mechanism by which the wealthy accept people.
Block Quoting:
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MLA: Use block quotation when the quotation extends more than four typed lines. You will likely most often
use them when quoting from fiction/literature. A block quotation is removed from the main body of your text.
Indent one inch from the main margin (the equivalent of two half-inch paragraph indentations) and begin your
quote. Maintain double spacing throughout, but do not use quotation marks. Period at end THEN Cite.
Gatsby experiences a moment of clarity while standing with Daisy on his dock, as:
Possibly it had occurred to him that the colossal significance of that light had now to him vanished forever. Compared to the great distance that
had separated him from Daisy it had seemed very near to her, almost touching her. It had seemed as close as a star to the moon. Now it was
again a green light on a dock. His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one. (98) <Note difference here too-Mrs. O
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MLA: Citing Text
MLA allows you to cite in the middle or at the end of a quotation when not block quoted. For this class, please
cite only at end of a sentence, unless you have 2 different sources in 1 sentence… in that case, you need to cite
immediately after the first source, and then the 2nd is cited at end of sentence.
Writing Conventions:
THIS
Succinct Writing
Passive Voice
Please avoid these linking verbs;
state of being verbs; passive verbs
Is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been,
had, have, could, would
WEAK VERBS to AVOID
Vocabulary
WEAK VOCABULARY to AVOID
Unprovable-usually
Prepositions in Formal Writing
Tenses
Topic Sentence
Thesis Statement
This must be followed by a noun or an adjective and a noun.
Grammatically: it needs to indicate what it is modifying. Logistically, the
reader needs to know to what the writer is precisely referring
EX:
“In the beginning of the story” (5 words)
“As the story begins” (4 words)
Ex:
“He was thinking she was rudely behaved” (7 words)
“He considered her behavior rude” (5 words)
You will notice when you avoid passive voice, your writing becomes more
succinct. See above examples.
Active Verbs enliven your writing, making it more interesting to read
Do, Does, Doing, Did
SHOW, SHOWING, SHOWS, SHOWN
Get, Got, Getting, Gotten
The stronger your vocabulary, the stronger your articulation of thought.
Bottom line: Read more, Learn more. Then USE IT [vocabulary] ALOUD…
try it on… OWN IT. Ask me if you are using it correctly before you start
trying it on… I will never scoff.. only be proud that you dare to try on new
words!! 
THING, THINGS: There is ALWAYS A BETTER VERB
Likewise: Watch: Nothing, Everything, Something too
AVOID:
Never, Always, Every, All, Ever and other all-encompassing words-Usually
cannot prove them.
1. Can’t end in a preposition
2. Must comma at the end of a prepositional phrase
3. Must know preps to know rules
Past Tense: For History
Present Tense: For Literature
Ex:
Gatsby drives his car rather than Gatsby drove his car
Exception: If in the literature, something happened in the past, then you
need to speak of it in the past:
Ex: Gatsby grew up poor…
Tense Hopping: Be sure to stay in one tense
1. They DRIVE THE ENTIRE PARAGRAPH and CAN DRIVE MORE THAN ONE
PARAGRAPH
2. They support the Thesis Statement
3. They have logical ordering
4. Everything in the paragraph must be, in some way, connected to the
topic sentence
5. Suggestion: Highlight your topic sentences and then look at thesis, and
then look at the info in the Topic Sentence. Oftentimes (note: it is one
word), you just need to tweak your Topic Sentence
1. Arguable; Takes ONE stand
2. Does not LIST subtopics
Sentences/Paragraphs
Emphasizing Words/Phrases
AVOID:
In formal writing
IDIOMS
COLLOQUIALISMS
CONVERSTAIONAL LANGUAGE
AVOID:
In formal writing
ASKING QUESTIONS of your
reader
Repetition and Lecture
THE READER
In Conclusion/To Conclude
TRANSITIONING
Titles
SECOND PERSON PRONOUNS
Conjunctions
Contractions
1. Vary first words/phrases of sentences, especially those in a row, or
within a paragraph
2. Vary first words of all paragraphs when writing short papers. Long
papers: Still vary –just be aware of the frequency with which you begin
paragraphs with same word
3. EXCEPTION: When you yourself are repeating to emphasize
something
1. ALL quoted words must be cited, except for titles of Short Works
2. IF you wish to emphasize a thought, do not quote it, bc then you have
to cite it. INSTEAD: “Italicize to Emphasize” (Easy to memorize that
little device)
1. Please just say what you mean- rather than use a trite (overused)
cliché or expression
2. Examples:
 He looked down upon others (He condescended)
 He looked up to his father (He respected)
 Talking to him is like walking on thin ice (His volatile nature scares
people)
 On another note (In addition)
Ex: “Why would anyone risk his life to chase after a vacuous dream such as
an unattainable woman’s love?”
You as high school writers, typically write to prove something…
a. Avoid talking to the reader, which is what questioning in essence,
is doing
b. If you are proving something, why ask questions?
When writers do not have enough concrete facts to support their
assertions, they tend to lapse into repeating of their thoughts. It begins to
feel like a lecture to the reader
This is a camouflaged way of saying “I”… uh-huh, yep… Right? You know
it’s true!! 
SO often, I just note: Delete “The Reader” and the sentence is just great
the way it is left. True story.
Any “transition phrasing like this”, such as To Begin, First, Next.. et cetera..
these transitioning phrases are less effective than using Transition
Sentencing. Notice when I parentheses “In Conclusion”-What is left that
follows is usually just great.
Short Works are QUOTED
(Short stories, Short poems, TV Shows)
Long, Major Works are ITALICIZED when Typing, or UNDERLINED when
hand writing.
(Novellas/Novels; Newspaper and Magazine Titles, Made for Cinema
movies)
Please avoid (do not use): You, Your, You’re, Yourself
…unless writing a speech or a letter 
But, Or, Yet, And:
Please use as conjunctions, rather than the first word of a sentence in
Formal Writing
1. In Formal Writing, please avoid: use of Contractions (can’t, won’t)
2. CANNOT is one word 99% of the time
3. A LOT is 2 Words 100% of the time